This post may be a bit muddled, as my thoughts feel pretty scattered. I'm try to make this as cohesive as possible, but I ain't promisin you much.
I mentioned briefly in my last post that I did not have a good appointment with my dietician yesterday. And it wasn't. It wasn't okay at all. I think a month or two ago I wrote about how I was beginning the journey of intuitive eating, and that I was going to try to really figure out what it meant for me, and if I was happy and healthy and non-eating disordered using that approach. And I've been on that journey ever since, and for the most part, it has been going well. I have more or less maintained my weight, but when I say that, I do have to admit that I have lost some - but my team wasn't worried, because they could see how hard and honestly I was working to figure this all out.
So I've been doing it. I'm reading the book and applying it to my life and really trying to get the hang of it. And it is HARD. Harder than I ever thought, really. Having an eating disorder for 10+ years and then trying to switch to intuitive eating mode...wow...it's not easy. But I was proud of myself because I thought that for the first time ever, it was clicking.
Until yesterday. Yesterday it felt like everything fell apart.
I saw my dietician, and she told me that I had lost weight. And, according to her, not just a "little," but "a significant amount." I have no idea if to her, "significant" means half a pound or five. I really don't know. And it doesn't really matter. But that is all she told me. And I was frustrated, and stymied, because I could look her honestly square in the eyes and tell her that I wasn't restricting or engaging in my eating disorder, at least not intentionally. I feel like I have been trying incredibly hard to honor my hunger, and I try to listen to my fullness and stop when I feel ready, etc. I have worried less about my weight and my body than I have in a long time. I have felt liberated and happy, thinking I was letting go of the eating disorder.
Until I found out that I lost weight. This really upset me. REALLY upset me. Because I feel like intuitive eating must be yet just ONE more thing that I suck at and can't do. I don't know why I lost weight. I don't know if it's because I sometimes still err on the side of undereating when I'm sitting at a meal and in doubt; I just don't know. And that's the thing! If there was some easy, concrete answer as to why I lost weight, then it would be easy to fix. I felt like my dietician wanted me to just admit that I had been restricting, but I hadn't. I swear on my life I hadn't.
So for this week, she said that a big part of intuitive eating that I haven't yet really embraced, is the idea that I need to take risks. I need to risk eating too much, or eating a scary food, or risk even gaining weight. And I agree - I probably do need to be more willing to take risks during this whole process, but I get confused with that, because yesterday I ate a piece of pie, 2 oreos, and a chocolate chip cookie! IN ONE DAY. A year ago, that would never ever in a billion jillion years happened - EVER. So I see myself letting go and taking risks, so I just wonder, what else does she want from me? To binge? And, logically I know she is not trying to get me to swing so extreme on the other side of the spectrum, but I do feel really confused about what to do and how to proceed with this whole intuitive eating thing. How do I risk more than I am?
She said that what she and my team are worried about, is that I won't gain the weight back that I lost. She said that a "normal", non-eating disordered person, if they lost some weight due to illness or stress or anxiety or whatever, over a period of a few weeks, would naturally gain the weight back that they had lost. But she said they're not so sure if I'll do that. And I don't know if I will. I don't know what the hell my body is doing. I feel like I don't trust it because I lost weight when I am eating quite a large amount of food. I JUST DON'T GET IT.
So that's where things are right now. I feel a little down and unmotivated about this whole intuitive eating thing. And yet, I don't want to have to follow a mealplan for the rest of my life either, because that would get so tedious and boring. But I don't know what to do, because obviously I can't keep losing weight, otherwise pretty soon here I'd be in hot water and unhealthy and need to gain again. And I absolutely don't want to go there, either.
So how should I do this? What do you think happened? Anyone else have any similar experiences when going through this intuitive eating thing? I'm feeling pretty down and confused, so if anyone has any input, I'd love to hear it. Thanks friends.