So I had an interesting conversation today with the T, about my blog. I was telling her how therapeutic it is for me and about how much it helps me, and about how all of you who comment are like my mini-pseudo therapists who have the most amazing things to say, that always, without fail, help me through whatever it is in particular I am going through. I told her I almost don't need her - I just need you for all my therapeutic troubles...and hell, this is much cheaper! :)
Photo - me and Bobbi, contemplating recovery... even admidst smeary eye makeup. ;)
And then the conversation kind of morphed into how it's so much easier for me to be open and express myself through the written word, rather than through actually having a conversation with someone face to face. And, to my surprise, (and relief) she doesn't think at all that I use my blog as a crutch, but rather that it can be used as a tool to continue helping me in my recovery. And that was nice to hear - because I do know that it's so much more comfortable for me to write a blog post about, say, the depression I went through a couple weeks ago, rather than talk out loud to someone about what is happening for me in real time, and I really hope that one day I can get there; that at some point it will get more comfortable for me to ask for help or say out loud what is going on for me, but until that happens, honestly, I'm just really glad I have Blogxygen as an outlet. And even when I am better about communicating my needs or feelings or whatever, I still think I'll have Blogxygen anyway, just because I love it so much and I love all of you so much. So, all in all, I don't think I'm going anywhere. :)
And it was kind of interesting, because I feel like my blog is so much more genuine than it used to be. Two, three years ago, when I was blogging, yes I was blogging about recovery, but I don't think it was as honest because I was much more entrenched in my eating disorder, and I was quite underweight. And yes, while I was really and truly trying to get better, so I most definitely get points for that, I still think that now, when I talk about recovery, it means more because I'm at a healthy weight and am taking care of myself, etc, so (I hope) it comes off more real. I'm not perfect, and of course my recovery is not perfect, but I can tell you for damn sure that it's a gazillion times better than it was a couple years ago. And yes, while back then I was honestly trying, I wasn't there yet, but I feel like I'm getting really close to "There" now, and so I feel better about blogging about it, and I can sense from you guys that you all seem to be responding more honestly and enthusiastically to it, too.
And, even a few years ago, I'd get emails from a lot of readers asking me how I lost all the weight, and praising me for my thinness, and it was really hard, and it stressed me out, because I could see that people who were trawling the web for pro-ana material were flocking to my blog to look at my scary-skinny pictures, when that was not my intention at all. But now, I never get emails like that from readers. I get emails asking for help, or maybe asking for advice, or just saying hi. :) And while I'm notoriously bad at responding to emails (I'll get there, I promise!) I still sincerely love getting every one of them, and hearing from my readers. So I can tell in that way, thankfully, that Blogxygen has evolved in a good way, and that makes me happy.
So thanks to all for being there for me. Thanks for supporting me and Blogxygen through this journey. Thank you for letting me share my life - even when it isn't always that pretty. I'm glad to be a part of your life, even if in a very small way - even if I'm that "one kinda cool and kinda crazy chick from Utah." I'll take it. :)
For those of you that have blogs, has your blog evolved with your recovery? Have you seen Blogxygen evolve? Does blogging help or hinder your recovery? Thoughts, please!
Addendum - I posted this blog a couple hours ago, but since then, I've been thinking. I don't want other people who are in recovery but who are not doing well or are underweight and who blog to think that I mean that their posts and blogs are disingenuous or fake. That's not what I am saying at all - simply that for me, since I've been walking the walk and talking the talk, my blog, for me personally, seems more helpful both for me and others. That is all. :)