Monday, April 23, 2012

Blogxygen (and me) Evolved

So I had an interesting conversation today with the T, about my blog.  I was telling her how therapeutic it is for me and about how much it helps me, and about how all of you who comment are like my mini-pseudo therapists who have the most amazing things to say, that always, without fail, help me through whatever it is in particular I am going through.  I told her I almost don't need her - I just need you for all my therapeutic troubles...and hell, this is much cheaper!  :)

Photo - me and Bobbi, contemplating recovery... even admidst smeary eye makeup.  ;)

And then the conversation kind of morphed into how it's so much easier for me to be open and express myself through the written word, rather than through actually having a conversation with someone face to face.  And, to my surprise, (and relief) she doesn't think at all that I use my blog as a crutch, but rather that it can be used as a tool to continue helping me in my recovery.  And that was nice to hear - because I do know that it's so much more comfortable for me to write a blog post about, say, the depression I went through a couple weeks ago, rather than talk out loud to someone about what is happening for me in real time, and I really hope that one day I can get there; that at some point it will get more comfortable for me to ask for help or say out loud what is going on for me, but until that happens, honestly, I'm just really glad I have Blogxygen as an outlet.  And even when I am better about communicating my needs or feelings or whatever, I still think I'll have Blogxygen anyway, just because I love it so much and I love all of you so much.  So, all in all, I don't think I'm going anywhere.  :)

And it was kind of interesting, because I feel like my blog is so much more genuine than it used to be.  Two, three years ago, when I was blogging, yes I was blogging about recovery, but I don't think it was as honest because I was much more entrenched in my eating disorder, and I was quite underweight.  And yes, while I was really and truly trying to get better, so I most definitely get points for that, I still think that now, when I talk about recovery, it means more because I'm at a healthy weight and am taking care of myself, etc, so (I hope) it comes off more real.  I'm not perfect, and of course my recovery is not perfect, but I can tell you for damn sure that it's a gazillion times better than it was a couple years ago.  And yes, while back then I was honestly trying, I wasn't there yet, but I feel like I'm getting really close to "There" now, and so I feel better about blogging about it, and I can sense from you guys that you all seem to be responding more honestly and enthusiastically to it, too.

And, even a few years ago, I'd get emails from a lot of readers asking me how I lost all the weight, and praising me for my thinness, and it was really hard, and it stressed me out, because I could see that people who were trawling the web for pro-ana material were flocking to my blog to look at my scary-skinny pictures, when that was not my intention at all.  But now, I never get emails like that from readers.  I get emails asking for help, or maybe asking for advice, or just saying hi.  :)  And while I'm notoriously bad at responding to emails (I'll get there, I promise!) I still sincerely love getting every one of them, and hearing from my readers.  So I can tell in that way, thankfully, that Blogxygen has evolved in a good way, and that makes me happy.

So thanks to all for being there for me.  Thanks for supporting me and Blogxygen through this journey.  Thank you for letting me share my life - even when it isn't always that pretty.  I'm glad to be a part of your life, even if in a very small way - even if I'm that "one kinda cool and kinda crazy chick from Utah."  I'll take it.  :)

For those of you that have blogs, has your blog evolved with your recovery?  Have you seen Blogxygen evolve?  Does blogging help or hinder your recovery?  Thoughts, please!

Addendum - I posted this blog a  couple hours ago, but since then, I've been thinking.  I don't want other people who are in recovery but who are not doing well or are underweight and who blog to think that I mean that their posts and blogs are disingenuous or fake.  That's not what I am saying at all - simply that for me, since I've been walking the walk and talking the talk, my blog, for me personally, seems more helpful both for me and others.  That is all.  :)


Katie said...

I love your blog and in fact I have a 16 year old niece struggling with anorexia right now and I gave her your blog because it really is inspiring. I am recovered for about 5 years and it still helps me to continue to choose recovery, so thank you.

Liz said...

:) I've gone back to some of your older posts and I can truly say that your blog has evolved, and I think that's great. I know with my own blog since it's still just a baby, that my posts are not really recovery motivated but I'm hoping I will get to the point that I'm really open and honest about my recovery and my problems. I'm definitely not that good in face to face situations, I feel ya on that one.

Anonymous said...

I totally relate. I mean, when I started blogging, I thought I was trying to get better. I mean I definitely wasn't actively trying to stay in the eating disorder, but I was really half-hearted in my recovery attempts (mostly trying to stay out of inpatient EW). Now that I've chosen to sort of put both feet into recovery, I feel like I have more to say. (Probably because I'm nourished and, like, coherent.) I also think blogging helps me because I get excited to post positive things, good changes I'm making. Not that I don't still have my struggles (I mean, I'm still in IOP, transitioning from my last inpatient stay), but I also feel like I'm more actively choosing the healthier path.

Anyway, enough about me. Your blog has definitely evolved, but so have you! Besides the fact that logistically some real things have changed in your life (you know, having another kiddo), it's been cool to see you pull yourself out of the yucky eating disordered place and create a healthier, happier world for yourself.

Also, I really relate to expressing yourself better in written word than verbally. I'm the exact same way, and my T understands and works with me (I'm also a LOT more open with her than most people) and I've done a lot of work with "letter writing" and stuff, but sometimes I get frustrated because people in my life get irritated that I can't/don't express myself/reach out when I'm clearly struggling. It's slooooowly shifting.

Ok. The end of my obscenely long comment.


Sharee said...

Totally evovled! It IS easier to write things down for me too. Probably because I can erase what I say. Like today I told some girl that my husband is super frugal and would be more turned on if I wore coupon lingerie. kinda regretted that right after I said it. I hardly know her and she is in my ward and lives around the corner! She will prob have that image in her mind every time she sees a coupon. Any way it is so great about your recovery, you have the cutest kids who deserve a healthy mom. It is so awesome to see how well your doing! keep it up!

Cammy said...

I've been reading your blog for at least 2.5 years now, and I have absolutely watched it evolve over time. There are a lot of ED recovery blogs out there, but the first time I came across yours I was hooked, because you are an amazing writer with a great sense of humor and a skill for giving a strong voice to any story you're telling, whether it's about a therapy appointment or your cats or peanut butter Oreos.

I had a lot of respect for you early on, because you were obviously intelligent and insightful and were dealing with some tough things. That respect has grown even more as you've shared all you've been through in the past few years.

I know this is a very sensitive issue, but it seemed to me that losing Kendall was a big turning point, at least given what was observable on the blog. My heart really broke for you and I wish it hadn't happened. I won't pretend to understand what it was like. And I don't want to sit here across the country, never having met you in person and yet psychologizing you. But I think that biggest contrast I see in the Brie of the Blog comes before and after that. Like I said, I can't imagine how painful that was, and I think it's normal for something like that to change a person in major ways. I hope that's okay to say, but if you're looking for feedback on how the Blogxygen evolution has felt to readers, that's the main contrast that sticks out in my mind. *cringe* I hope that was okay. :/

I think I want to say I'm proud of you for the way you've dealt with so many things and have kicked ED ass on top of everything else in the process, but I'm afraid that comes across as patronizing. Suffice it to say that watching this blog unfold has been inspiring, touching, and has done nothing but build more and more respect and admiration for the strong, intelligent, insightful woman that you are, Brie.

Sarah @ Bearing, Eating, Being said...

Man, Cammy beat me to basically everything I was going to say. I started reading your blog when I was deeply entrenched in my disorder but trying to recover, and I've been reading ever since. In every stage of recovery, I've found you to be an amazingly wise, funny, bright light who radiates perseverance. Now, you also radiate peace (even when you go through a bad week or a bad period of time...the anchor of peace is there and I can tell.)

My blogging style has has definitely changed as I've changed from someone who had to be very recovery focused to someone who is just living recovery and doesn't need all the energy devoted to recovery any more. I blog less now (busier with my job which I could have never had if I DIDN'T put in the recovery work!) and being a blogger defines me less...but only because being a worker defines me more now. I'm so thankful for everything that blogging has been to me, and I owe YOU a lot of thanks for that because you encouraged me to start my blog.