Monday, April 9, 2012
My weekend was fine, actually, which is a relief, considering my last Thursday and Friday were murderous.
Photo - a few pics taken yesterday that I never posted. Just lovin on my babe.
Not-so happy topic:
The anniversaries around Kendall (in April and November) are insanely difficult for me, and I think I figured out today in therapy why. See, I still blame myself for her death. I still beat myself up, thinking that I could have done something to prevent her death. I hash and re-hash the week of her death, and I wonder what I could have done differently to make it so that she would have lived. And the guilt is there, it's intense, but the ANGER I have - the pure, unadulterated, seething, white-hot ANGER I have at myself for losing her is so intense, that on these anniversaries, it brings it all to the surface, and I drown in it. I hope to one day be able to get to a place where I let myself off the hook a little bit and where I can have an anniversary where I simply mourn her and what could have been, rather than beat myself up and get really hurt and angry, but I'm not there yet. I wish I were, but I'm not. It's just that simple. So, on those days, rather than focusing on Kendall and her sweet little life, all the guilt and anger smothers me, until I can think of little else. This is all definitely a journey I'm on, and I hope I can work on that - I really hope so. But until then, I mostly just have to grit my teeth and get through the anniversaries as best as I can, even if my best that day is only managing to get out of bed and dressed and not restricting any meals. And that's okay, I think. Just need to take it one day at a time, one anniversary at a time.
But on to happier topics.
I am falling madly and deliciously in love with Stephen King. I NEVER read his stuff in the past, because I thought it would be dark and demonic and less-than-stellar writing...but I was so, so wrong. He is an amazing storyteller, and I get hooked on the first page. And yes, while he doesn't really write about light matter, I still get so involved in the characters and their stories, and I get lost in his incredible ability to weave a story.
Me likey the Kingy.
I've been sitting outside in this beautiful Spring weather all weekend for hours while Mila naps, reading "Insomnia." Next on my list? Maybe "The Stand" or "Salem's Lot." Maybe I'll even go a little crazy and read "Carrie," who knows. :)
And on to an even happier topic!!!
So, this weekend, Brandon and I were musing that we really should take the kids and go on a quick weekend trip, just to get away. So we were thinking of going in a few weeks to spend the weekend in St George, and then go to Zions Natl. Park for some hiking. And we were excited! But then we were like, "Well, when in Rome..." and decided that if we're going to go on a trip anyway, we might as well go all out and make it a real vacation, because once we move into el beautifulo houso, we are going to have no moneyo, and real vacations will be sparse for the next few years. So we decided to go to Orlando, FL, and take Cade to Universal Studios and to the Harry Potter theme park, which is like his version on the most amazing dream come true EVA. And we'll go to Sea World too, because I want to see Shamu, or since he murdered his trainer, maybe a whale that looks just like Shamu that I can pretend is still friendly and not a people-eater. That whale needs some behavioral therapy, but that is BESIDE the point! ...Anyway, we are muchos excited. We are leaving on Memorial Day, and going for the whole week. We're staying in a fun resort right at the park, and I'm going to get tan and get to spend time with 2 of the 3 favorite people in my life, Man and Mini-Man. Mila is going to stay with my mom, and while I'll miss her, I'm reallllly thrilled to spend some quality one-on-one time with Cade, where he gets lots of attention, without him having to compete for it with his little sister. It's going to be so great for him; I am more excited for him than I am for me! Now I just need to get through the next 6 weeks without peeing my pants and see if I can make it...I am THAT excited!
So a cheap weekend getaway to St George morphed into this giant vacation to Orlando. WOOPSIE! :)
So, I'm happier. Happier than I maybe was a few days ago, and I hope you are too. :)
© blogalisciousness by brie at 4:05 PM