Monday, April 9, 2012

Happier Topics

Happy Monday, Lovercicles.  How are things?

My weekend was fine, actually, which is a relief, considering my last Thursday and Friday were murderous. 

Photo - a few pics taken yesterday that I never posted.  Just lovin on my babe.

Not-so happy topic:

The anniversaries around Kendall (in April and November) are insanely difficult for me, and I think I figured out today in therapy why.  See, I still blame myself for her death.  I still beat myself up, thinking that I could have done something to prevent her death.  I hash and re-hash the week of her death, and I wonder what I could have done differently to make it so that she would have lived.  And the guilt is there, it's intense, but the ANGER I have - the pure, unadulterated, seething, white-hot ANGER I have at myself for losing her is so intense, that on these anniversaries, it brings it all to the surface, and I drown in it.  I hope to one day be able to get to a place where I let myself off the hook a little bit and where I can have an anniversary where I simply mourn her and what could have been, rather than beat myself up and get really hurt and angry, but I'm not there yet.  I wish I were, but I'm not.  It's just that simple.  So, on those days, rather than focusing on Kendall and her sweet little life, all the guilt and anger smothers me, until I can think of little else.  This is all definitely a journey I'm on, and I hope I can work on that - I really hope so.  But until then, I mostly just have to grit my teeth and get through the anniversaries as best as I can, even if my best that day is only managing to get out of bed and dressed and not restricting any meals.  And that's okay, I think.  Just need to take it one day at a time, one anniversary at a time.

But on to happier topics.

I am falling madly and deliciously in love with Stephen King.  I NEVER read his stuff in the past, because I thought it would be dark and demonic and less-than-stellar writing...but I was so, so wrong.  He is an amazing storyteller, and I get hooked on the first page.  And yes, while he doesn't really write about light matter, I still get so involved in the characters and their stories, and I get lost in his incredible ability to weave a story. 
Me likey the Kingy. 
I've been sitting outside in this beautiful Spring weather all weekend for hours while Mila naps, reading "Insomnia."  Next on my list?  Maybe "The Stand" or "Salem's Lot."  Maybe I'll even go a little crazy and read "Carrie," who knows.  :)

And on to an even happier topic!!!

So, this weekend, Brandon and I were musing that we really should take the kids and go on a quick weekend trip, just to get away.  So we were thinking of going in a few weeks to spend the weekend in St George, and then go to Zions Natl. Park for some hiking.  And we were excited!  But then we were like, "Well, when in Rome..." and decided that if we're going to go on a trip anyway, we might as well go all out and make it a real vacation, because once we move into el beautifulo houso, we are going to have no moneyo, and real vacations will be sparse for the next few years.  So we decided to go to Orlando, FL, and take Cade to Universal Studios and to the Harry Potter theme park, which is like his version on the most amazing dream come true EVA.  And we'll go to Sea World too, because I want to see Shamu, or since he murdered his trainer, maybe a whale that looks just like Shamu that I can pretend is still friendly and not a people-eater.  That whale needs some behavioral therapy, but that is BESIDE the point!  ...Anyway, we are muchos excited.  We are leaving on Memorial Day, and going for the whole week.  We're staying in a fun resort right at the park, and I'm going to get tan and get to spend time with 2 of the 3 favorite people in my life, Man and Mini-Man.  Mila is going to stay with my mom, and while I'll miss her, I'm reallllly thrilled to spend some quality one-on-one time with Cade, where he gets lots of attention, without him having to compete for it with his little sister.  It's going to be so great for him; I am more excited for him than I am for me!  Now I just need to get through the next 6 weeks without peeing my pants and see if I can make it...I am THAT excited!

So a cheap weekend getaway to St George morphed into this giant vacation to Orlando.  WOOPSIE!  :)

So, I'm happier.  Happier than I maybe was a few days ago, and I hope you are too.  :)


Heather Lindquist said... Disney World? : )

brie said...

Heather, we might do Disney world but we can't decide bc Cade is much more into the rides and characters at universal studios over Disney world...he's not much into all those characters, you know? So we think he'd enjoy the Harry potter theme park and spiderman theme park can't decide for sure!

Liz said...

Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. You'll get there though.
Yay for vacations, sounds like you guys will have a blast.
Glad to hear this weekend was good.

Heather Lindquist said...

Well, from what I've heard, universal studios is amazing! You'll have a great time no matter what you do! But if you have time, you should give Disney a's good too!

Katie said...

Sounds like a blast! Any time away from Utah and in a sunny place is the ideal vacation.

CH said...

Universal in California is great, but I find that they don't have a TON of rides... but if Cade is more into that than Disney, definitely do Universal!
Disney is fun, but I honestly think it's more about the "Disney experience" than the actual rides or attractions... he may enjoy it more when he's a few years older! :) Just a thought.

I like that you said it was okay to take it one anniversary at a time, and that being "just okay" is fine on those days. I agree. I think that in recovery, if there are days that are extra challenging to you, it's okay to not feel your best, but to keep focused on recovery, and not restrict/purge/whatever your behavior of choice may be.I think that is the very essence of recovery - wanting to be back in a place where the ED is "safe" and "comforting", but knowing it really isn't, and to stick to the recovery thing.

I'm glad today is better than Thursday and Friday :)

I'm so excited for you guys, for the trip! :)

Jonny and Haley said...

I'm seriously jealous about Harry Potter world. I expect a full report! I want to feel like I was there so please take lots of pictures of Cade living the dream.

Cammy said...

Dark Tower, Dark Tower! There are references to it in nearly every one of his other books that you miss if you haven't read DT yet. Glad you're enjoying his work; he is absolutely the king (no pun intended) of characterization.

Michelle said...

I just saw my cousins pictures of the Harry Potter theme park and was über jealous!! Looks so fun!!

brie said...

Cammy, confession: I read the first DT, and couldn't finish the second. :( should I give it another go?

Haley, I'm not really joking when I say you and Jonny should come with us!

CH, thanks for your support. I love getting your comments. :) just doesn't yet seem to be into the whole Disney thing yet...maybe in a couple years!

Cammy said...

Yeah, the first one in the series is the least engaging, which is unfortunate. I'd still highly recommend them, and I was totally hooked by the end of the 2nd book. The 4th is absolutely my fave. The 5-7th are really distinctive from the first 4, in terms of style, mostly because King almost died after being hit by a car and it seemed to really throw him for a loop; that comes out in the books. He got scared that he hadn't finished what he considered to be his magnum opus yet, and churned the last 3 books out in less than 2 years. Anyway, have you read 'On Writing' yet? It's a fantastic mix of autobiography and writing advice, very different from his other work but I loved it.

Laura said...

I love how you said, "even if my best that day is only managing to get out of bed and dressed and not restricting any meals." I mean, do you hear yourself?! You just described and included "not restricting" as a somewhat baseline, absolute minimum for yourself! As if it's just such a given that you won't allow yourself to restrict that restriction wouldn't even be an option. Like not restricting is just an "of course" sort of thing now - even for the hardest of days. that is SO cool!!! You would not have been able to write something like that before :)

brie said...

Hey Laura...

I hadn't thought of it that way, but you're damn right!! :) I wouldn't have been able to say that, even 6 months ago. Woohoo recovery!

Laura said...

YES!! So awesome!! Woohoo recovery is right!!