And maybe I'm being extra hard on myself because I have an eating disorder and punish myself blah blah blah, but I don't think so. We all had those moments where reason bee-lines out the window and you do something incredibly stupid. And if you haven't had one of those moments, then promptly quit reading this blog and go buy yourself a tiara, because you are SOMETHING SPECIAL. But for all the rest of you, keep reading. :)
So, how do we get past those moments? How do we come to terms with the stupid crap we've done without beating ourselves up too much about it, but also learning from it? I'd say I'm a pretty sound and logical person now...but wow...it wasn't even that long ago that I just made this decision that literally couldn't have been worse, and I messed up a lot of things, and it took a long time to put the pieces back together. Or take me as a teenager for example. I was INSANE. And maybe the anorexia was partly to blame, because it was like, EATING my brain, so maybe that accounts for some of the stupidity, but seriously...who thinks ratting your hair and then hair spraying it into an UGLY COMA is a GOOD thing? And yes, I'm being facetious, but man, I looked HIDEOUS. And...surprisinly mannequin-like. All that hair that didnt move! Eebie jeebies!!
Photo - That was my hair, in 9th grade. Except, I wasn't Donny Osmond. And I didn't have Chiclet teeth. Or at least I hope not.
But to be more serious...
I've always blamed myself for all these stupid things I've done, where I just think, man, I should have had better judgement. And then I beat myself up for the stupid mistakes, and go round and round in circles, never getting anywhere but in an endless cycle of self-judgement and self-anger and blame, etc. And I'm not sure how to get past all that.
But I do know that I need to forgive myself for the past moments where reason and logic seem to have been deficient in my diet (along with most everything else, wahahaha). But today, as I was hashing all this out with someone I really trust, like she's in the top 3 of people I trust...I just realized, I need to forgive myself and move on. I need to give myself a break, realize I was doing the best I knew how in the moment, be a little lenient on myself, and think, okay, so what can I learn from this? How can I use this experience to help me be a better person, rather than use it as ammunition against me to fuel my eating disorder or other self-destructive behavior(s)?
There comes a moment where it's time to let go and forgive yourself, and maybe laugh when you think about the past and your silly mistakes, rather than shriek in horror. I don't rat my hair anymore, and I certainly don't look like I'm wearing a helmet anymore, so see, I learned from that. Take that 9th grade Brie! Way to be an object lesson!
And for the serious stuff? The life changers? The things I deeply regret and wish I could have made better decisions on? I just need to let go. I need to learn from them, so that the pain and humiliation I endured will not have been in vain. I'm starting to think I'm an okay person now, and maybe I'm an okay person because I made so many mistakes along the way, and maybe I was able to learn and grow from them to get to where I am. And maybe I should gift myself some forgiveness. Maybe it's time to do that, and move on.
What do you think?
Except the helmet hair! I can never forget the helmet hair!!!!!!! IT LIVES FOREVER.