Friday, March 30, 2012

I'm Going to Eat Today

How has everybody's today been? Mine's been pretty good - I had a ROLLICKING fun time in therapy this morning, and I had lotsa breakthroughs. :) It's funny, I always talk to Husband on the way to my appointments, and as he's saying goodbye to me, he always says, "Breakthrough Honey, breakthrough!" And I try so hard not to disappoint! Although I will admit that sometimes it's hard to stay focused on serious (aka boring) stuff when we could spend the sesh laughing and joking. My therapist kind of makes fun of me, and I make fun of her back, and I am okay with that. If I had an all doom and gloom therapist that wore plaid, one-size-fits all dresses with moon boots and Napoleon Dynamite glasses and was always all serious, I'd be so...unmotivated. Not to mention I'd discreetly drop hints of where she could get some stylish, affordable clothes. I guess what I'm saying is that I have to feel like I can relate to my therapist, so that is why I seem to do better with T's that are 1) young(ish) and 2) have at least SOME semblance of fashion sense, or at the very least don't wear socks with their Tevas. Yeah, all of that, but ESPECIALLY the whole Tevas part. I once had a T who wore white sweat socks with her purple Tevas, and I threw up in my mouth a little every time I saw her. I actually told her once that I thought what she was doing to her feet was atrocious, and she laughed. And continued to rock the socks and Tevas. At least she was comfortable with herself, right, I mean there's a life lesson in there somewhere.

So I had a really awesome thought that I wanted to share with all of you:

This morning, before I got out of bed, I was kind of just lying there and thinking of the day ahead; what I was going to do and the errands I had to run, etc. And I kind of just had this thought really randomly and nonchalantly pop into my head, and it was something like, "I'm going to eat today." And I just had this sense of RELIEF wash over me, that I wasn't going to abuse my body today, and that I wasn't going to have to worry about what I was or wasn't eating, and I wasn't going to have to be so starved and malnourished that all I could think about was food. It was simple. "I"m going to eat today." And I have. And I've felt great. I've had a great day with my family and it's so amazing to have the physical energy and mental stamina to keep up with my kids. To sure, not love the way I look, but not abuse it or punish it as a result.

5 words. 5 words that seem so silly, or something that your average person wouldn't have to think about - I'M GOING TO EAT TODAY - is a life changer for me. A total game changer. It means everything. It means LIFE. And maybe I sound really dramatic, but I don't think so. It really means that much to me.

And, I really really really hope that you can say tomorrow, when you wake up, "I'm going to eat today." Try it. Maybe it will change your life too. :)

Thursday, March 29, 2012

On the Importance of Virtue

So it goes without saying that one of the highest responsibilities of a parent is to raise their children with good, strong, honest values. I get that. I'm totally on board with that, and I have taken it upon myself to make sure Cade and Mila are really kind and considerate and respectful kids - and since kids are notoriously naughty, my hope is that at least when they are adults, they'll be bursting with values.  Or at least not robbing any banks.

But does one ever think of the responsibilities a pet owner has? On teaching their animal(s) the importance of good, strong, honest values?  That is what this post is really about.

Take Hairy for example. Every night as I am giving her her evening rubdown, I implore upon her the importance of keeping her virtue and remaining chaste. I tell her a pure and chaste cat is a becoming cat, and I congratulate her on maintaining her virtue in what is fast becoming a world that is lewd and immoral, EVEN FOR CATS.

And then Brandon walks in during our little chit chat and RUINS that tender moment, and disgusted, he says, "The only time Hairy is ever in danger of losing her virtue is when you're touching her."

And I eye him evilly.

And I continue to stroke Hairy as morally possible, and continue to implore her to guard her carnal treasure.

My kids and cats are covered. Are yours?

Because I mean the world is SCARY, guys.  And I want to keep the lines of communication open between me and Hairy, so that she can always feel comfortable coming to me if she needs to.  Because I'm pretty sure she'd be like traumatized if she ever did It at this point, and I know she'd need someone to talk to, so I want to like be there, you know?  And I tell Hairy this during our nightly talks, and she meows gratefully, and I rest easy, knowing she is spayed.  :) 

Phew.  Too bad you can't spay children!  (The human variety, I mean...)  Then I'd have all my bases covered!

I need to go.  To the store.  And buy Hairy some iron underwear.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Swim Cap Bandwagon

Well today is going to suck in comparison to yesterday, because it's not as if you can find The World's Cutest Bathing Suit every day, and that's a darn shame.  The squealing and screeching and screaming and shrieking out that ensued yesterday after that
I have to keep going back to the post to re-live that adorable glamour. :)

And, don't be fooled - you know, about the swim cap.  Contrary to popular belief, swim caps are NOT just for the elderly over the age of 90.  (And synchronized swimmers or users of Nuvaring.)  Mila is going to start a FEVER with that swim cap.  A SWIM CAP REVOLUTION, if you will.  Just wait for it.  :)

While at the mall yesterday, we took a few pics of Mila in different types of headwear.  She's a guru when it comes to headbands, but she's never yet rocked a hat.  So we tried on a few, and she wasn't so sure...

In H&M, trying on a ball cap...
(Maybe baseball isn't going to be her thing?)

And in Baby Gap, finding The One...

The shrieking out has started, I can't help it...

LOVED this sun hat, but I knew she wouldn't keep it on because it was too floppy in her eyes, so it would have been a waste, but it was s'durn cute!

And this picture is adorable, so I had to post it, because Mila loves her daddy and wants everyone to know it.  :)

Anyway, the spring weather is going to be glorious today, so go out and have some fun.  :)  I am going to take Cade to school and then take Mila on a walk, or maybe frolic at the park.  Whit and I may go somewhere fun for lunch, so that should be a delight too, because eating is awesome.  :)  I GUESS I could do some cleaning...but when it's so beautiful

Have a great day everybody.  :)  And don't feel bad about yourselves if you (like me) have to constantly keep going back to the Swimsuit Hysteria post.  It's just a special little problem you have; needing to see cuteness, and I do not judge you for it!  May you forever jump on the swim cap bandwagon.  :)

Bye kittens!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Swimsuit Hysteria

I have no words for the following pictures, except that quite possibly, it may be the cutest thing you'll ever see.  I have been shrieking out all afternoon.  I wish I looked this good in a suit (and in crazy headwear)!  You go Miss M!

(And many thanks to Baby Gap for making such adorable bathing suits.  May the $40 I spent on 12 square inches of fabric be well-spent - and I know it will be because undoubtedly Mila will be the cutest little fashionista at the pool this summer - I already can't wait!)

Miss 8 Months

Miss Mila Jane is 8 months old today!  I can't believe it - I've had her for almost as long as I was pregnant with her, and that is INSANE, because my pregnancy was approximately 84785783493938475 days long.  It really was.

Mila has come leaps and bounds this past month - she is doing so many more things and growing and learning every day!  She is no longer my useless little slug!  I used to poke her and say, DO SOMETHING.  And she'd kind of just stare at me and blatanly NOT DO ANYTHING.  But now she actually does things, much to my relief, so we are both happy!  :)

Mila's nicknames are really starting to narrow down to just a few - and really, it's any variation of Sissy.  I call her Sissy about 85% of the time, but it can range from me calling her just Sissy, to Sissy Poo, Soul Sissy, Sissy Lover, Sissy Pants, etc, you get the idea.  Occasionally we still call her Miss Mees or Miss Mila, but Sissy seems to be sticking.

Photo - Cade loves his little sister

Mila doesn't go to the pediatrician to get weighed until next month, but her approximate weight I'm guessing is pry around 13 1/2 pounds - so she's still quite small.  She still easily fits into her 3-6 month clothes, and still, sometimes even her 0-3 month clothes - specifically, a pair of pants and a sweater.  And while I'm kind of dumbfounded that someone as tall as me could make something so petite, I'll take it.  Brandon's mom and sister are really petite, so maybe she just got her daddy's genes.  But who knows?  Maybe she'll have some major growth spurt and become an Amazon Woman like her mom!

Mila is still not really close to crawling, though she can hold herself up on her hands and knees for short periods of time.  She just doesn't really seem that interested yet in crawling - no doubt she'll get there when she's ready.  As long as she's like, 9 months, and not 9 YEARS OLD.

Mila has really started to love eating solid foods this month - she's much better at taking her baby food, and by far her favorite flavor is bananas with mixed berries.  I have also started giving her normal human adult food, and she's smart, because she knows how much better it tastes than the baby crap I give her!  She LOVES Cafe Rio's rice and beans, but she'll eat (and love) just about anything I give her that I am eating.  She still has no teeth, so it's kind of tough giving her adult food, and I have to give her really small bites, but she's managing just fine.  My hope is that she'll be a much better eater than her big brother was - Cade was insanely picky, even from the start.

A couple of other milestones:

Mila holds the bottle on her own now!  She's still not super great at it, but she more or less has the hang of it, and I love being able to give her the bottle and clean or do other things while she feeds herself - it frees up some much needed time.  I still love to sit with her though and feed her and love her and cuddle her, because I can get some really nice bonding time in, but this is really nice for those hectic days!

Mila is sitting on her own now, too - she doesn't quite have the balance thing down perfectly, and occasionally will tip, but for the most part, she's there.  And she loves sitting; I think she was getting so BORED always having to be lying down!

Mila has graduated to the high chair - she looks to teeny in there, it makes me laugh.  But she's doing quite well in it, and gets excited when I put her in it, because she knows she's about to get some yummy food.

Hopefully by my 9 month post I can tell you all sorts of milestones that she's hopefully hit, like crawling and graduating from high school and changing her own diapers.  ;)  Heh.

Monday, March 26, 2012

A Dorito Kind of Day

I've had a much better day today.   After I recovered from watching Baby Penny (I'm only kidding, I adore that child and would walk on water for her - then not be able to do it and drown - but you get the idea) I went to therapy and had a really great sesh.  The Almighty T really helped me feel better, and she should, seeing as I pay her the big bucks.  She is proud of me for really making this recovery thing permanent.  And I am.  It's kind of a really cool thought to think, I'm never going to go back there.  Yes, I will freely admit that I still struggle with wanting to lose a few pounds and not really loving the way I look, but I can very confidently say that I will never go back to the all-out starvation insane emaciated craziness I used to be.  I have come too far, and I'm actually emotionally healthy enough that I don't think I'll ever "need" my eating disorder in that way again.  So yes, while I'm not thrilled with my body, I don't think I'll ever go back to where I used to be.  And that is an incredibly liberating thought, because I haven't ever really been able to say that.  I always had this little niggling in the back of my brain, saying that I would get better now to get out of treatment or to have family and friends stop being worried about me, but in the back of my mind, I always knew I would go back.   How irritating and frustrating is that?!  Gah even just REMEMBERING it makes me want to pull out my hair! And I can honestly say that I don't feel that way anymore, and it feels awesome.  I think the biggest reason for this change is because of my family.  Brandon and Cade - but especially Mila - deserve a mommy and wife who is healthy and present and engaged in their lives.  I don't want Mila growing up watching her mom engage in a severe eating disorder, because having her own one day will become second nature - and I don't know how I could forgive myself if that happened.  This world is hard enough to girls/women these days, and I don't want to make it any harder than it already has to be.

I have no idea how I went off on that tangent.  Kind of wasn't planning on it, but I guess I feel really good about recovery right now and wanted to share it with you!

I also had a fun day because Hubs and I bought a new dining room set.  We were planning on buying a new table when we moved into the new house, but we saw an opportunity for a really great table at a really great price, and on a whim, just decided to go ahead and buy it early.  It is a beaut!  I am not posting pictures of it today because I'm kind of going to lump the purchases of our new furniture in my weekly house updates, so I'll post pictures then, though I know a dining room table isn't the most scintillating of blog topics, so if it bores you, I'm okay with that.  :)  I just really, really want to document every step of this new house process, from the construction and furniture purchasing, to the mundane and silly details, etc.  I think I'll have fun looking back on it all a couple years from now.  Anyway, the table looks hawwwt in our house - a little out of place in our basement apartment, but we'll deal, heh.  It's going to look beautiful in the new pad!

For dinner Brandon and I went to Taco Bell because Brandon was having a mad craving for their new taco that just came know the one that is in a nacho cheese Dorito shell?  Well, Brandon ordered 3 of them for dinner, and we ate in the car on our way to pick up our table.  After the whole ordeal of renting a U-Haul to carry our dining room table to the house, and then dropping it back off again, etc, we passed by the same Taco Bell we had eaten at earlier that day.  Brandon remarked that he wanted more Dorito tacos, and I laughed, because I thought he was kidding.  He wasn't.  He swerved into the drive thru like some starving zombie and ordered two more tacos!  He said he'd have ordered three, but he was scared I'd make fun of him.  Silly boy.  I have a feeling those FIVE Dorito tacos ain't gonna be sittin so pretty in his tummy tonight.  He tells me they are AMAZING and that I need to try them, but I stick with my supreme gordita, because I like me mexican authentic.  And, while I realize that having the phrases "authentic mexican food" and "taco bell" in the same sentence is highly oxy-moronic, I'll still say it anyway. ;)    Doritos and tacos did not originate from the same country, so they do not belong together.  I take a firm stance on this issue, and I approve of this message!  (And I'm only talking about food of course, so no need to go all PC on me!  ;)

So, good therapy sesh, new dining room table, the utter fascination of watching Brandon go to Taco Bell twice in three hours to sate that darn Dorito craving...
It's been a good day.  An ordinary day, but a good one.  :)

Kids and Chaos


Holy. Crap.

How do you do it?  Specifically, how do you have children who are close in age?  Cade and Mila are five years apart, so it hasn't been too difficult between them, because Cade is so much older, and he's much more independent and doesn't need me watching him every second of every day, so (admittedly) most of my time can be focused on Mila and feeding her and changing her diapers, etc.

But I always kind of wished that they were closer in age, at least for their sakes, so that they could have a sibling they could be close to.  I have no doubt they'll be the best of friends when they're older, but while in their younger years, they probably won't ever have much in common.

So I wanted them to be closer in age, but now I'm not so sure:

I am currently watching my adorable niece, Baby Penny.  See, look how adorable she is?  (With her cute parents.)

I love her.  And of course I'd do anything for her (and her parents!) which is why I am willingly watching her this morning.

But boy.  Oh boy.

If it was just her, it would be cake.  But having an 8 month old on top of it?  Not so cake-y.  Penny is running around screaming KITTIES!!!  KITTIES!  I LOOOOOOVE KITTIES!  And then she lunges for them, and they run, terrified, under my bed.  But does that deter Penny?  No!  She gleefully tries to wiggle under the bed, thinking that their hissing actually means please come closer, I'd like you to manhandle me.

And then Mila starts fussing.  So I run to her, put her binky in, give her a little love, then run back to Baby Penny who is now taking out every item in my overstuffed diaper bag.  And throwing it (or eating it).

Once I get my diaper bag put away and put up high, I turn around and she's gnawing on a granola bar.  MY granola bar.  There goes morning snack.  And as I type this, she is currently trying to stuff herself in a dollhouse.  It's kind of entertaining.

Penny and Mila are 15 months apart.  Remind me to not have another child until Mila is, oh I don't know, 15.  YEARS.  That oughta help.

I am wiped, and it's only been two hours!
So, to all you moms with kids close in age, I seriously take off my hat to you.  I mean this seriously.  You have a tough job!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Reflecting on the Good

Today has for the books.  Today has been really hard.  I have spent the majority of the day crying.  My face is puffy and red and sad, and if you saw me, you'd think, that's a girl who is in pain.  I'm feeling really betrayed and shocked and a little helpless that I live in a world where such cruel and senseless things happen.

(Photo - Daddy and Mila at Cade's soccer game.)

But today, even amidst all the pain, there has been a lot of good, too.

I have a husband who holds me and rocks me and strokes my hair and defends my honor.  A husband who loves me and believes in me and stands by my side.

I have a good friend that I got to reconnect with today.  A friend that I haven't seen in months, yet when we saw each other, it felt so familiar and...perfect.  We picked up like we had never been apart.  Hugging her and laughing with her and seeing her again, after so long, it was seriously balm to my soul.  To Stephanie, my D-twin, I love you.  Thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for showing me what a real friendship can be like - one where there is no dysfunction or eating disorder in the way, one where our relationship is based on more than treatment and being sick, one where we have more to talk about than just the crappy.  A friendship where we laugh and joke and complete each others sentences.  A friendship in which we would never hurt each other.  A friendship in which you love my kids, and they adore you back.  A friendship that can last.

Photo - Brie and Steph, 2010

And I have to (once again) thank all of you, my amazing blog readers.  Earlier today I was very very very seriously considering making my blog private, and only allowing a very select number of people to read it, maybe only 20 or so very close friends and family members.  But for now, I don't think I'm going to do it, because you are people.  You somehow love and care about this crazy girl from Utah, and I don't always understand why, but I am so grateful for it.  I was talking to my mom today, and she was talking about how grateful she is to all of you, for the support and feedback you give me.  She meant it, too.  The comments and personal emails or messages on Facebook I get from all of you...they amaze me with their wit and candor and honesty and common sense.  You are all so willing to share your life experiences and the lessons you've learned with me, so why would I not continue to share what little I have to offer, with all of you?

This world isn't always the best place to live in, but all of you play a pretty amazing role in my life, and show me that there can be kindness and goodness here, and I thank you for that.  I thank you for all being my little mini therapists and for being so invested in my well-being and happiness and for loving and laughing with me.  You all inspire me.  Thank you for being apart of my life.

I'm not sure why, but today I just had to say all this.  I HAD to take a minute and articulate all the blessings in my life, all the good people out there, otherwise I could get too bogged down in all the hurt and betrayal and pain, and I don't want to do that.  I don't want to live my life angry and vindictive.  I don't want to be someone who is hell-bent on revenge or in dragging other people down to make myself feel better.  I want to keep my chin up and thank God and all of you for being here for me.

So, thanks.  :)  Love you.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

New House Adventure Week 4

This week, the most (and only) remarkable thing that happened was that we had our final design meeting.  During that 2 hour meeting, we finalized everything that will go inside the home, from the granite and hardware to the carpet and cupboards.  In the end I feel pretty confident about what we chose, and am excited to see it all come together when the house is being built.

Remember how I said we were going to upgrade a few things, and try to be content with most of the stuff that came with the base price of the house?  Um, scratch that.  We upgraded a lot.  A lot A LOT.  And I think it's my fault because I somehow have this...radar or something...that can sniff out the most expensive option and HAVE TO HAVE IT.  It could even be the ugliest thing I swear, but if it's costly, then I want it.  I'm a terrible person!  But I suppose I can live with being terrible, as long as I have a beautiful house.  :)

A few of the fun features that will be in our house that we decided to upgrade on:
1. Having board and batten in our living room and mud room.   Kind of similar to wainscot.  I'm posting a picture I found on Google because I had no idea what it was until I started this process, and have a feeling you are like me.  :)

2. Wood floors in the front entry, hallway, kitchen, dining, mud room, and powder room.
3. Amazingly hot and kinda rare granite in the kitchen.  That I am going to make babies with.
4. Stainless steel appliances.
5. Having a beautiful bay sliding glass door in our dining room that makes the room look really bright and open and spacious.
6. Beautiful backsplash in the kitchen.  A little more on that later.

....So those are just some of the funnest things we upgraded on.  There are little things, like nice(r) tile or fixtures, but for the most part, this is da coolest stuff.

So, I took a few pics at our design meeting:

Not the greatest picture, nor is it very exciting - just all of our choices for floors and cupboards and counters that I have already detailed in week 3.  We were looking at it one last time to make sure we loved them before definitively deciding.  

Deciding where we wanted wood vs. carpet on our main floor.  

This is the backsplash we chose for our kitchen.  It's going to be this really beautiful subway tile, and of course it is quite an expensive option.  Damn radar.  If I were a gazillionaire this wouldn't be a problem.  Sorry Brandon!

And that's about it.  :)  They still haven't broken ground on our lot yet, and won't until we have a final meeting with the VP of construction and go over all of our blueprints and finalize (one last time, geez) all of our interior and exterior options.  Hopefully this can happen next week so that they can start building soon and I can bust outta our basement apartment.  Aaaahhhhh 4 months, can't you just pass by in the blink of an eye?!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Spring Weather = :)

It's such a beautiful spring day outside!  Me lovin this 70 degree weather.  :)  Cade and Mila and I have been soaking up the sun on a blanket spread out on the grass.  We giggled and had a grass fight and loved on each other.  I heart my family.

 Trying to remember the good that surrounds me to negate the bad.  Being publicly slandered isn't fun.  It actually really hurts.  But I guess that I have to remember that people can be mean and nasty and not everyone is going to like me.  I guess I was just floored because I would NEVER do that to another person, so to have it done to me...ouch.  Like, be mean to me, okay, but be mean on a forum as public as your blog and bitch about me to make yourself feel better?  Really?  Are we twelve or are we adults?  Immaturity at it's finest, that's for sure.  But I am all about flushing out the toxic in my life and starting over fresh and new and so I'm going to keep my chin up and be rest assured that I am making the right decision.  Being nice forever!  Mean and toxic people get out of my life forever!  Recovery forever!  Relapse never!  Woo hoo! 

This weekend should be great.  We're starting it off by seeing The Hunger Games tonight, I am so excited!  Cade also has his first spring soccer game tomorrow morning, so it'll be interesting to see how that goes.  And I'm going to post an update on the house tomorrow, so be lookin for that.  :)

 Photo - Mine and Sissy's church outfits match.  :)  Love the spring peachy colors!

That's all, I supposies.  Don't have much to say, other than that I:
Am lovin me this spring weather and I am going to let it keep me cheered in the midst of all the crappy drama happening in my life
also just be nice to other people.  Being mean and vindictive is no way to live.  It'll make you mean and ugly when you don't need to be.  My name is Brie and I approve of this message.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, March 22, 2012


First, I have to thank all of you who commented on my last post - every single comment truly did help me, and the support I got from all of you made me feel so blessed.  I'm lucky to have such a supportive and understanding group of ladies out there who want to help and want what is best for me.  I just had to say that, because it really means a lot, and I want you to know that.

Having said that, there has been some fallout from my post.  There are a couple of people who are really upset with me, and there has been one friendship that is as good as ended.  I'm really sad.  Really really sad that it didn't work out.


I'm also a little relieved, because the friendship was feeling toxic and I felt like I was suffocating, and I know that it will be good for me.  And who knows, maybe somewhere down the road when we are both doing well, we can rekindle the friendship.  This person is a really awesome girl, and I only wish her the best.

One comment from my last post really stood out to me.  It was written by my awesome niece Marissa, and I wanted to copy and paste it here, because she articulated so perfectly how I'm feeling, and maybe some of you can glean some inspiration from it as well:

You know how, when someone's drowning, you're not supposed to jump in and save them because they're flailing and panicking and not in their right mind and they'll drag you down too? And how instead you're supposed to throw a life preserver or let a trained professional--like a lifeguard--save them instead?

That's what I think.

I think that avoiding those triggers ('pew, pew') doesn't mean that you don't love those people. I think that it means that you love yourself MORE. And you need to, because you're freaking amazing. So, you know, do what you gotta do. Don't worry about what other people are going to think. I mean, I know this isn't a perfect metaphor, but someone who's a recovering alcoholic isn't gonna hang out in bars or spend the weekend with friends who are drinking. So spending time in ED-related blogs or with friends who are still immersed in self-destructive habits doesn't make sense for you, either.

Anyway, that's what I think. I don't know how easy it would be, to stay away from all those things, but I do feel like it makes the most sense.

So, I just want to say to all you ED-bloggers out there...I wish you the best.  I love you and I admire you and I hope you can find recovery and happiness.  And, I'll be around.  I might take a step back from time to time, just to keep me okay and keep me from drowning, but I want to say that I do not judge you for your struggles, and I know that what everyone is going through is intense and painful and REAL, and I don't want to minimize that by just saying GET BETTER NOW, because I know it's not that easy.  I do believe, however; that if I can do it, anyone can, because I'm like a reject and the slowest person on the planet, and if I did it, I KNOW you can, and I believe in you and want this for you, because the happiness I am experiencing in recovery is beautiful and exhilarating and so, so worth it.  So get there too, okay?

A clarification to my last post:

When I mentioned that eating disorders were about getting attention, I did not mean to generalize and say that EVERY eating disorder is only about getting attention.  I'm not a professional and would NEVER want to assume why each individual person practices their eating disorder.  What I was referring to was a particular person I "know" (though Facebook and Treatment Land) who is very blatantly posting pictures and status updates about being sick and wanting as many people to see it and know it as possible.  I was referring to the fact that it was triggering and upsetting to me, and toxic.  I apologize if people were miffed and thinking I was globalizing that all ED's are attention related.  I wasn't.

I think I'm going to go back to moderating comments, at least for a little while.  I don't want to do it, honestly, but I need only positive energy here, and I know some people are quite angry with me, and I don't want them to take it out on my blog. 

Lots of blog drama lately.  Wow.
But to all of you who support me, especially in this tough transition of new recovery, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Sensitive Subject

I've been wanting to post about this particular subject for a few days now, but have been hesitatant to do so because I don't want anyone to get offended, or take what I'm about to say the wrong way.  I am deathly afraid of being misunderstood with such a sensitive subject, so I'm going to proceed with caution, and I hope all of you reading will not take offense.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is best for me and my recovery.  I know that only having 4 months of essentially perfect recovery isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, especially considering I've had my eating disorder for just over 10 years, but for me, it's amazing.  I've never done this well this consistently for this long.  So to me this time and this progress is precious.  It means so much to me and I don't take it lightly.  So, what I'm trying to say, is that my world is changing dramatically.  I am approaching things differently, and I am really and truly trying to take care of myself and my family and not lapse back into eating disorder behaviors. 

So, my own personal little Brie World is changing.  But the rest of the world isn't.  And this is what is really troubling me; what I'm having such a difficult time acclimating to.  Reading other people's blogs that are eating disorder related, or reading status updates on Facebook about eating disorders, or getting emails or texts that are all about relapsing and/or being really sick or completely disregarding recovery and wellness and wholeness and deciding to go back to the eating disorder...I just can't tolerate it, you guys.  (How's THAT for a run-on sentence, wow.)  And that's why I'm nervous to post this blog, because I don't want to be misread as meaning that I can't stand all of you and why can't you just recover and get over this blah blah blah.  I'm not saying that.  So please don't take it that way.  What I'm having a difficult time handling is reading so much about people being sick, when I'm so well.  I don't want to be around this stuff anymore.  Now that my world isn't devoted to anorexia, I don't like reading about other people devoting their life to their eating disorder, because it makes me sad and angry and I want for them to want recovery like I do.  I guess I wrote about this a week or so ago, in my Our Own Path post.  I just wish I could make everyone want to get better.  And I can't, and it makes things so hard because I don't know how to continue to relate with people and be their friends when all I want to do is throttle them and somehow make them SEE how crappy their life is with ED, and how beautiful it could be if they would let all this needless drama go.  But I can't do that.

And so I don't know where to go.  I don't know how I fit in anymore.  I've changed, but the world around me hasn't.  And the world around me is entrenched in eating disorders and self-harm and in being sick to get attention and I just can't really tolerate it anymore.  I want to run from it all, but I don't know how to, because I worry that if I run from it, then I run from my friends.  I don't want to abandon them or somehow give them the message that I don't care, and that's why I'm so conflicted.  Because I don't know how to be well and maintain my recovery but also somehow help them recover too in a way that is beneficial to them but also not harmful to me, at the same time.  I don't even know if any of that made sense.  I'm struggling to explain myself today, I guess.

So I don't know what to do.  Do I stop reading the eating disorder related blogs, even if the blog's authors are my friends?  Do I de-friend every person on Facebook that has an eating disorder?  Do I refuse to associate with people who are actively in their ED and who are not trying to get better?  That all sounds a little dramatic to me.  But at the same time, I can't continue on with how things used to be, where I was completely consumed with the ED, whether it was my own, or with everyone else's.  I just don't have the desire or the stamina to do that anymore.  I don't want my world to revolve around eating disorders anymore.

So where is the middle ground, here?  How do I manage all this?  This is such a tricky and touchy topic, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I really and truly don't know what to do.  If anyone has any suggestions or personal experiences or ideas or ANYTHING, please leave a comment.  I am baffled and heart broken about all of this, and I don't know what to do or how to navigate through all of this.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Cade Related

It's easy to get bogged down in couldawouldashoulda's.  I think most people probably have a tendency to be hard on themselves or blame themselves (unless you're either extremely mentally healthy or a narcissistic JERK) but I think I may have a propensity to it even more, considering I have a pesky eating disorder that is all sorts of self-blame enacted on myself.

And that's kind of where I'm stuck now.  I'm really struggling with trying not to (but failing miserably) blame myself for some of Cade's struggles.  Cade is a sweet little boy who is kind and thoughtful and goofy and stubborn, and I love all of those things about him, but he's also too stubborn and insecure and self-blaming and immature.  And I have no way of really knowing if those things are just an age thing, or maybe a phase, or if it's a product of poor parenting skills.  I talked about this quite a bit in therapy today. And after it all, my T remarked that I looked "kind of sad."  And I'm like...DUH.  Of course I look sad.  Because I'm terribly worried about my little guy, and when I bring it all up and start thinking about it a lot (maybe too much) I only blame myself and get into the aforementioned couldawouldashoulda's.
(Picture: Goin to church yesterday.  Cade was especially proud of his new tie.  :)

So, honestly?  There's not much I can do about it other than love him and work with him and nurture him and pray for him.  So I'm going to leave it at that for today, and move on.  I'm feeling kind of down about it all.

Cade has his last game of indoor soccer tonight, but oh, don't you worry, he starts spring soccer this Saturday, so in case you were all worried about those boring soccer posts ceasing, NO FEAR!  You will continue to be able to read about all of his exploits, which are scintillating, I'm sure.  Also, he gets a trophy tonight, (as does EVERY KID ON EVERY TEAM) and I think that's just silly.  They lost almost every game and they get a trophy?  I know it's all about bolstering their self-esteem, but in MY day, I had to WORK for my trophies.  (Along with walking uphill to and from school every day, of course.)  That may be why I only ever had like one trophy my entire life, but pish, I EARNED it!  1st place in short-story writing, woot!

Mila had a massive blowout today.  Her adorable outfit ruined in the blink of an eye (or in the rip of a juicy fart).  It was disgusting.  That's all.  Since I talked so much about Cade today, I figured I should throw a Mila tid bit in there too.  I love her even though she craps her pants.  :)

That's all.  Bye kittens!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

New House Adventure Week 3

This week was spent almost entirely at the design center deciding definitively what we wanted the interior of our house to look like.  Whatever it was I posted in week 2, completely discard that, because we changed almost everything - and I'm glad, because I looooooove what we've chosen!

We kept our hardwood floor, because it's this gray/tan distressed wood that has pretty wide planks and is super contemporary looking - I heart it.  And we kept our super dark cabinets, but the carpet and granite and bathrooms we completely changed, which you'll see below in the pictures.  Oh - and notice that in every picture, the carpet and wood looks different, depending on the lighting.  I think the most accurate picture to see what our wood really looks like is in the pic that is just the wood - a close up.  In other pictures it looks almost greenish, but trust me, it's not!

I had fun at the design center doing all this, but I'm glad this part is over, because my brain is FRIED.  If I have to look at one more sample of carpet I may (non-bulimicly) puke.  Also, pretty sure I just made up that word.  BULIMICLY.  Heh.  I like it!

So, here are our choices:

This is the kitchen/front entry/dining/mud room colors and choices.  We chose the espresso cabinets with the lighter wood floor and the granite.  THE GRANITE.  I love it.  I want to eat it.  Our carpet looks good too, though it's hard to see that the carpet meshes well with the wood in this picture.  I like our carpet, but it did end up being a little lighter than I anticipated, and that makes me nervous considering all the small humans and animals that will be frolicking on it, but hopefully it'll work out just fine!

Another shot of the cabinets with the carpet and wood:

A close up of my granite.  I want to take it behind the junior high school and get it pregnant.  And make cute little Brie/Hot Granite babies with it!

Our wood floor.  Purty.

Making sure Mila's skin tone complimented our choices.  Yay!  It does!  ;)

Mila was very opinionated when it came to our tile choice.  And when she got bored, she just sucked on her feet.

This is what the kid's bathroom and our laundry room will look like - the flooring and cupboards and counter top.  We had to stay with a gray-tan/dark wood theme to match the rest of our house.

And this is what the master bath will look like - the cupboards and countertops will be the same as in the laundry room and other bathroom, but we changed the flooring to this really beautiful gray slate to make it a little different and set it apart.

Here is Brandon and Cade and Uncle Bwycie at our lot this afternoon.  It is HUGE.

Me at our lot, declaring, IT IS GOOD.  (It was windy and cold and I was wearing glasses, so my precious kittens, do not judge!)

This picture was actually taken a couple weeks ago, but I keep forgetting to post it.  We had just signed our life away to build this house, and we're pointing to the lot we chose in (obvious) utter delight.  I mean, doesn't Brandon look thrilled?  ;)

Until week 4.  Bye kittens!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Laying it all Out There: My Book

Today in tx, I talked to my therapist about my book.  Er, the book I haven't finished.  The book that is more than halfway completed, gathering dust in my "Brie's Writing" folder on my laptop.  The book I haven't touched in years.  That one.

My T was rather intrigued that I was actually talking about it, as in the past she remarked that I was really evasive when talking about my book.  And I am.  Because when people ask me what the book is about (which they INEVITABLY will, and usually sooner rather than later) how do I say that it's a book that is fiction, but the main character is very much similar to me, and how do I tell them that it's about pain and embarrassment and frustration and humiliation?  How do I tell them that the main character of the book isn't much of a heroine at all, but maybe a villain, but that that person is ME?  No one wants to hate the main character in a book.  And yes, all good characters are flawed, but what if they're fatally flawed?  What if you put the book down and think, I hate that girl?  I don't understand her.  Why did she do what she did?  Because in hating the main character, you hate me.

I stopped writing my book because it got too painful.  I still remember those nights that I'd stay up in the middle of the night, tapping away at my laptop, while my man and my man-child slept next to me.  And I  remember the tears coursing down my cheeks as I felt so many emotions and painful memories come back to me.  And then I thought to myself, How can I publish this book if the act of even writing it is so incredibly painful?  How will I be able to tolerate the entire world reading it when I can hardly tolerate reading it myself, because of all the emotion it brings up for me?  Writing that book was like stripping myself naked and offering myself to the world.  It was laying out every pain and humiliation and desire and flaw and vulnerability and then saying, Okay World, have at me.  Judge me.  Make fun of me.  Hate me.  Pick me apart.

It was just too much.  It got to the point where writing it hurt too much.
But now...
I'm wondering if not writing it is what really hurts.

This may sound corny and cliche; maybe something only that writers fancy themselves saying, but I feel like that story is doing everything it can to claw it's way out of me.  I may not be writing it, but I am thinking about it all the time.  I can't get away from it.  And so that's why, when some say that I should write a different book, maybe one that isn't so emotionally raw and painful for me, I can't.  I just can't.  Because this story needs to be told.  It's waiting for me.

So what do I do?  How do I get past the pain it brings up?  How do I reconcile myself to the idea that perhaps the entire world could read something so transparently vulnerable and raw and painful for me?  Do I continue to push it away, or do I let my story free?

They say you write what you know, so when all you know is yourself, and your pain, what do you do?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Clarifications to my Last Post

Thanks to all who commented on my last post.  It was kind of a controversial one, I get that.  There are just a couple things I wanted to clarify:

I did not write the post trying to be manipulative to garner more comments.  I guess I was just feeling sad that Healthy Brie doesn't get as many responses.  I know that most of you (like the vaaassst majority) are thrilled I am in recovery.  And I appreciate you telling me so.

I don't think I'm going to stop writing on Blogxygen completely - I can't, she's my baby, and I've had her for years now, and I'd miss her (and you!) terribly.  However, I still have not decided if I will go private or not.  If I do, I will give sufficient notice so that those of you who would like invites can get me your information.

I am going to be off the grid for awhile - I've decided I need a technology break.  So, anything www or cell phone related is going to be turned off for a couple days - I just want some time to chill with my fam and take a breather from all this.  Won't be long, just need some time.

Have a great week!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Blogxygen Changes on the Horizon

I'm kind of in a grouchy mood about my blog lately.  I have made a tremendous effort over the past couple years to move away from talking about the ED so much, and focus more on family stuff or stuff about me discovering more about myself free from the ED.

And of course I write on Blogxygen because I want to, but anyone who blogs and says they don't care if they get comments on their posts or not is lying.  EVERYONE likes to get comments, to hear from people.  Two, three years ago, I averaged 30 comments a blog post.  Now I average...what?  3?  Maybe 5?  It's just a shame that people responded more to Sick Brie, rather than Healthy Brie.  Doesn't make it any easier to get better.  And, it kinda makes me mad.

Not sure I'm going to post much for the next little bit.  I might need a break.  Because OF COURSE I'm going to continue on my road to recovery, despite what my readers say (or in this case DON'T say) but I guess I just need to be sad and a little mad that being sick is given more attention than getting better.  I'm going to seriously consider going private, and maybe only allow people who are invested in me getting better read.

My life is SO public.  I am having serious reservations about this, especially lately.  I don't like feeling like people read this blog to hear about ED stuff, but I think that's a lot of what is happening.  And I KNOW this isn't what is happening with all my readers, so to those who have emailed or commented and let me know that, I really appreciate it.  It means a lot. 

I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

New House Adventure Week 2

This week we picked out virtually everything that will go in our new home, from the cupboards and light fixtures to the hardwood and carpet.  It was OVERWHELMING.  There were sooooooo many options, and then of course it's so easy to go way over budget because there are so many small things that you think you want to updgrade on, but then the little things add up and they're not so little anymore, and then you kind of sit there and wonder what to do.  Or maybe that's just me.

We are finalizing everything going in our home on the 20th, so we have until then to go back as many times to the design center as we need to feel good about our choices and decide definitively what we want to do.  I think I like my choices, but I've never done this before, so I'm nervous that I may have picked something hideous and totally regret it later, or maybe I'll like it, but everyone that comes to see the home will HATE it but not dare to tell me.  I'm a total novice, so what do I know?  And I feel so pressured to pick quickly because they won't start building your home until all this is picked out, so it was kind of stressful to find what I wanted quickly.  But like I said, I have 10 more days to decide if this is what I really like, and I can always change if I have to.

We tried mostly to stay with the basic stuff that comes with the house, with the exceptions of upgrading to wood floors downstairs and getting nicer carpet.  We upgraded a few other things too, but those were the biggest things we're upgrading (and paying quite an extra chunk for).  Most of the stuff that was a level 1 (that means it comes with the house at no extra cost) was quite nice and suited me just fine.  And really, what do I care if I have an extra expensive doorknob?  No one really notices that crap anyway.  Well, at least I never do.  So, sorry in advance if my cheaper doorknobs offend you!  ;)

Anyway, here are a couple pics I snapped of some of the things we picked out.  The first picture is of the cupboards we picked out with the wood floor.  I'm pretty sure I want to make love to my wood floor.  It' hard to tell in the grainy photo, but it's beautiful.  It has a rustic feel to it, but at the same time, it's really contemporary.  And it's not the normal color you'd picture with a wood floor; I love that it's in cooler tones and just really different.  I think it's going to look great.  (That's like the ONLY thing I'm certain on, by the way.  ;)  But I'm also pretty sure the dark cupboards will look great in the kitchen and bathrooms; if you look back at the pictures of the model home I posted in week 1, you can see we picked the exact ones they had, and I thought they looked fantastic.

The second pic is just showing the cupboards with the wood floor and carpet and granite we picked for the kitchen, as all those colors will kind of be meshed together on the first floor.  The carpet is actually darker in real life than it is in this photo; maybe the light caught it weird or something.  With two kids and two cats and a (future) dog, we NEED dark carpet that hides stains well!

Anyway, hope you like?  Do I suck and need an interior designer to come and rescue me?  I may...
Oh and sorry for the lack of pictures showing other things we chose.  Next week I'll do better at documenting.  :)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Our Own Path

I have a couple of friends right now who are very sick in their eating disorders.  In fact, I think they are both in the hospital right now, or the psych ward.  I wouldn't know because when someone is very sick in their ED, I pull back a little.  Not because I am a crappy friend, but because to keep me okay, I need to back off.  Doesn't mean I don't love them, just means I need to take care of myself first.

But...I've been thinking.  What has made the difference for me to finally recover?  And why can't they do it?  If I was labelled a chronic anorexic, a "lifer," and I finally was able to get to a healthy weight and maintain it, and start to work on the crap behind the eating disorder, and finally want it, why can't they?  It makes me wonder when their a-ha! moment will happen that will help them discover the happiness and joy and relief that I am experiencing.

I used to be very sick.  And I was an obstinate brat on top of it.  I didn't want to get better.  In fact, the very first time I was in treatment at 17, I'm ashamed to say this, but the whole time I was stuck in treatment and hating it all, I was planning all along to get out and lose weight.  I faked what I needed to pull the wool over everyone's eyes, and then I promptly got really sick once I was discharged.  Out of treatment the second time, I did a little better.  But not much.  And then the third time out of treatment, hell, I left the dang treatment center weighing nearly 20 lbs less than I should have, so recovery was screwed for me from the very beginning.

But then, doing outpatient with my current therapist and dietician, something finally clicked, and I did it.  So, what was it?  My new treatment team?  Me?  Somehow wanting to change and finally be well?

I will admit that sometimes I get frustrated with people I know with eating disorders who are chronically sick, who can never be stable, but then I feel so bad, because I think, I used to be that girl.  And I'm so glad I'm not anymore.  And I remind myself that I need to be patient with them, because everyone has their own journey, and the paths we find to recovery are all different.  Some have a straight and fairly short path to recovery.  I had quite a long path, with lots of switchbacks and hills, and it wasn't easy going.  And some people have it even harder than I do.  I need to remember this.

I just wish I could somehow make all those I know who suffer be happy and want recovery enough that they actually commit to being healthy and doing what they need to do to get well, whether that be weight gain or stopping purging or insert ineffective eating disorder behavior here.  Because for me, it's not like I still don't wish I was thin(ner) or restricting.  I still have those thoughts and temptations.  The difference is, I have finally chosen to not participate in those thoughts and turn them into actions.  Because recovery doesn't mean you are suddenly happy and hunky dory, it just means you are learning new ways to cope with the crappy stuff.  It isn't easier - in fact, I'd argue it's harder - but it's absolutely worth it.  I wish I knew how to convey this to them.

I guess all I can do is pray for patience and for a way to help them.  And make sure I take care of myself in the process.  And hope that they can make it on their path, too.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A Plan for Cade

I went to parent-teacher conferences this afternoon for Cade.  I have known virtually all along that Cade has been having some problems with Kindergarten, so I came prepared to really talk with his (awesome) teacher about it and come up with a plan of action.

I hesitate to post this because no one wants to post about their kid's shortcomings or problems.  Everybody wants to talk about how amazing and talented and perfect their kid is.  So, to admit to everybody that my kid struggles (a lot) is hard for me.  It breaks my heart a little.  But at the same time, I want to do this because I'm NOT ashamed of Cade.  He may have some difficulties with school, but he's still incredibly smart and sensitive and sweet.  So I'm just going to tell it like it is.

I have been worried, because I know that Cade is behind other kids his age.  Most kids by this stage of Kindergarten are reading basic words (cat, top, mat) and Cade is only just now recognizing all the letters of the alphabet (upper and lower case) and learning word sounds.  He's about average with the other kids in math, it's more his reading skills that are not up to par.  And, his teacher confirmed today what I already know about Cade: that he's incredibly smart, that he can do the work, but that quite simply, he doesn't want to.  When he gets to school, he asks the teacher repeatedly when he can go home or when recess is.  When she is trying to work with him on his letters, he'll usually turn his head away and say he doesn't want to try anymore.  He lacks the motivation and the maturity that most kids his age already have.  He has NO passion or desire to learn.  And I've known this.  Getting him to do his homework every night is a major struggle.  Getting him excited for school every morning is a monumental task, and it usually results in many tears and him begging me to let him stay home, that he can't go to school because he is "sick."

So, basically, Cade's only problem with school is that he doesn't want to try. 

So, the good thing is this: we are moving this summer to a new city, so he will have a new opportunity to start school fresh in a new place where no one knows him or assumes anything about him.  Cade's birthday is in August, so he just barely made the deadline, and is the absolute youngest in his class this year, which I suspect is why some kids have more maturity than mine does - he's just not quite there yet.  So, I talked with his teacher today, and unless Cade makes some dramatic improvements between now and the end of the school year, then I am going to take him to his new elementary school in the fall and have him repeat Kindergarten.  It's going to be good because Cade is finally (hopefully) going to feel like the big fish in a little pond.  Hopefully he'll have more confidence going through Kindergarten the second time around, and by then I'm hoping and praying that his maturity level will have caught up with his age a little more.   He won't have to feel bad about repeating Kindergarten because he won't see all of his friends and classmates go to first grade while he hangs back, because he'll be in a new school environment.  The worst thing I could do to Cade would be to force him into first grade before he's ready, when he doesn't know the material he needs to know.  It would make him hate school even more because he'd be behind and feel self-conscious that other kids were doing things he cannot yet do.  I won't put my kid knowingly in a situation that makes him feel scared and self-conscious and upset.  I just won't do it.

It's better to swallow my pride and do what's best for my child.  And Brandon and I and his teacher all agree that this could be a really great fresh start for him.

But this decision wasn't easy.  During the meeting with his teacher today, I was so embarrassed, but I couldn't stop tears from sliding down my cheeks as I talked to his teacher because I wouldn't choose this for Cade.  It's not easy hearing unpleasant and difficult things about your child.  I just wish I could  make things easier for him.

But we really feel this is the best thing we can do for him; the best thing we can do to help him at this point.  So we're just going to finish out this school year with Cade with lots of love and support and encouragements to try, and have high hopes in the coming school year that he can finally have more of a desire to learn and do what he needs to do.  I know he can do it, he just needs to figure that out too.

But, Cade?  I love you so much Buddy.  And I'm proud of you always.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Against the Grain

I think my jeans were having a bad day.  They've certainly seen better days!
Feeling very detached from everything lately.  All of the things that I normally devote most of my brain power to - recovery from the ED, treatment, etc, is just all...I don't know...not there.  It's probably because I'm so preoccupied with the house stuff, but lately, I just don't seem to care.  And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing - maybe FINALLY not thinking about the ED is a good thing! - but it's just weird.  I'm not used to it.  Like, I'm eating my meals and everything, but usually when I do that, I have a fair amount of anxiety and stress about it afteward, you know, just worrying about if I ate too much, if it's going to make me fat, etc, but now...I don't even think of all that.  I just eat and move on.  And this is good, I know, but I just wonder if it'll last.  Am I only so preoccupied with the house stuff because it's so new and exciting, and once some of the initial euphoria from all this wears off, will I go back to stressing about my ED?  Or is this becoming a permanent thing?

It kind of makes me want to jump the gun and quit treatment altogether.  Okay, not really.  Not really really.  But kind of.  And don't worry, I know that would be a bad idea and I'm not going to do it, but I just don't seem to care about all that stuff anymore.  It's getting old and tired.  Too predictable and boring and stupid.  I need something new.  (And I'm not talking a new addiction!  Maybe just a hobby.  :)

I hope this is a real thing that's permanent, and that it's a new phase in my recovery, and not some fleeting thing.  That'd be cool if building a new house was like what gave me the CURED stamp in my ED file.  I've always been a little different; a little against the grain, and maybe all I need is a new house and a big mortgage and a half acre lot to get me better.  Some need therapy, I need a little house on the prairie.  ;)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

New House Adventure Week 1

Since we are building our new home, I have decided that I really want to remember and chronicle it here, so I will be posting weekly updates of what's going on.  It may be boring, and if so, feel free to skip these posts - again, I just want to remember it and go back and show the kids.  So, with that, I give you week 1:

This week we sat down with our realtor and builder and actually signed a contract, saying we were going to build - and we better, because if we don't, we ain't gettin the earnest money we put down!  Brandon and I have done an exhaustive search of homes in the new city we are going to live in, as well as researching builders in the community, so we felt really ready to say yes to this house and this builder because of how much research we had already done.  When I saw a model home of our future new home, in my heart, I knew that the search was done, and that this was our home - it was love at first sight, and Brandon knew there would be no tearing me away from it, not that he'd have to, because he loves it too.

So yesterday, while signing the contract, we also picked our structural options for the house, and also the outside design and color scheme.  I was a little bummed because the initial color scheme that I was immediately drawn to was not an option for us, because in the housing community we are building in, if the house next door to you is either the same house you want to build, or in the same colors, then you can't do it, since they want to have a little bit of variety, and not have everything look so cookie cutterish.  I get that - but I was bummed that I couldn't pick my #1 choice of colors.  So, below, is our second choice, and I'm a little scared of it, but I saw a few homes and what it will look like, and I think it's gonna look okay!  It's hard to visualize by looking at this, so you'll just have to see as the building of the home progresses.

This picture below actually is shown to scale on what our house will look like with the lot we chose.  We are so stinkin excited that we chose a 1/2 an acre lot, and let me tell you, it's HUGE.  I'm a little stressed thinking of all the lawn and flowers etc will have to maintain, but I'm also thrilled the kids are going to have such a huge space to spread their little wings and run around.  Just so you can tell, the farthest outside dotted lines are where our lot ends - so as you can see, we have quite the chunk of land!

This is EXACTLY what our home will look like, withstanding the colors.  (Which I probably would have chosen, by the way, had they been available.  Slight frowny face!)  But but but...isn't it beautiful?  We love it!

Our kitchen, dining room, and family room are all open and give for a very wide feel in the house - I really like it.  This just gives you one of those views.

Our kitchen.  The kitchen isn't the hugest, but what do I care?  It's not like I really know how to cook and require like a double oven or something.  I'm sure for me and my little fam, this will be more than enough!

Another view of the family room/dining area.

The master bedroom.  I'm kind of in love with it.  There are so many windows, and it's hard to tell from this angle, but it's actually quite large.  And I love love love that there's a little retreat/sitting room within the master bedroom, I'm thinking that A LOT of novel writing is going to happen there!

One of my favorite areas of the house - the study loft and a view of the window seat on the stairs.  I love these features so much because they add SO MUCH character to the house.  It's quaint and sweet and a little funky and I totally dig it!  And...I can already tell that my cats are going to be sleeping on that window seat ALL DAY unless I kick their stinky butts off it so I can read in that fun little nook!

A view of the master bathroom.  Very big and spacious!

And, if you care, here are a few floor plans:

We aren't finishing the basement yet, as we don't have the money right now, or the need.  We have plenty of space with the top two floors, but we're estimating on hopefully finishing it within 5ish years or so, or at the very latest, before we re-sell, just to help the value of the house.  Not pictured here are views of the kids bedrooms, but they are huge and have walk in closets as well, which I love.  Also not pictured are the mud room (which I'm slightly obsessed with) and the laundry room, but I LOVE that my laundry room is on the second floor, which is convenient, considering that's where all the dirty laundry comes from! 

So I guess that's it for week 1.  :)  They haven't actually started building the house, and won't until we go to the design center and pick out everything for the home, but that will be more detailed in week 2.  Bye kittens!