I've been thinking a lot lately about what is best for me and my recovery. I know that only having 4 months of essentially perfect recovery isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, especially considering I've had my eating disorder for just over 10 years, but for me, it's amazing. I've never done this well this consistently for this long. So to me this time and this progress is precious. It means so much to me and I don't take it lightly. So, what I'm trying to say, is that my world is changing dramatically. I am approaching things differently, and I am really and truly trying to take care of myself and my family and not lapse back into eating disorder behaviors.
So, my own personal little Brie World is changing. But the rest of the world isn't. And this is what is really troubling me; what I'm having such a difficult time acclimating to. Reading other people's blogs that are eating disorder related, or reading status updates on Facebook about eating disorders, or getting emails or texts that are all about relapsing and/or being really sick or completely disregarding recovery and wellness and wholeness and deciding to go back to the eating disorder...I just can't tolerate it, you guys. (How's THAT for a run-on sentence, wow.) And that's why I'm nervous to post this blog, because I don't want to be misread as meaning that I can't stand all of you and why can't you just recover and get over this blah blah blah. I'm not saying that. So please don't take it that way. What I'm having a difficult time handling is reading so much about people being sick, when I'm so well. I don't want to be around this stuff anymore. Now that my world isn't devoted to anorexia, I don't like reading about other people devoting their life to their eating disorder, because it makes me sad and angry and I want for them to want recovery like I do. I guess I wrote about this a week or so ago, in my Our Own Path post. I just wish I could make everyone want to get better. And I can't, and it makes things so hard because I don't know how to continue to relate with people and be their friends when all I want to do is throttle them and somehow make them SEE how crappy their life is with ED, and how beautiful it could be if they would let all this needless drama go. But I can't do that.
And so I don't know where to go. I don't know how I fit in anymore. I've changed, but the world around me hasn't. And the world around me is entrenched in eating disorders and self-harm and in being sick to get attention and I just can't really tolerate it anymore. I want to run from it all, but I don't know how to, because I worry that if I run from it, then I run from my friends. I don't want to abandon them or somehow give them the message that I don't care, and that's why I'm so conflicted. Because I don't know how to be well and maintain my recovery but also somehow help them recover too in a way that is beneficial to them but also not harmful to me, at the same time. I don't even know if any of that made sense. I'm struggling to explain myself today, I guess.
So I don't know what to do. Do I stop reading the eating disorder related blogs, even if the blog's authors are my friends? Do I de-friend every person on Facebook that has an eating disorder? Do I refuse to associate with people who are actively in their ED and who are not trying to get better? That all sounds a little dramatic to me. But at the same time, I can't continue on with how things used to be, where I was completely consumed with the ED, whether it was my own, or with everyone else's. I just don't have the desire or the stamina to do that anymore. I don't want my world to revolve around eating disorders anymore.
So where is the middle ground, here? How do I manage all this? This is such a tricky and touchy topic, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I really and truly don't know what to do. If anyone has any suggestions or personal experiences or ideas or ANYTHING, please leave a comment. I am baffled and heart broken about all of this, and I don't know what to do or how to navigate through all of this.