Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Against the Grain

I think my jeans were having a bad day.  They've certainly seen better days!
Feeling very detached from everything lately.  All of the things that I normally devote most of my brain power to - recovery from the ED, treatment, etc, is just all...I don't know...not there.  It's probably because I'm so preoccupied with the house stuff, but lately, I just don't seem to care.  And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing - maybe FINALLY not thinking about the ED is a good thing! - but it's just weird.  I'm not used to it.  Like, I'm eating my meals and everything, but usually when I do that, I have a fair amount of anxiety and stress about it afteward, you know, just worrying about if I ate too much, if it's going to make me fat, etc, but now...I don't even think of all that.  I just eat and move on.  And this is good, I know, but I just wonder if it'll last.  Am I only so preoccupied with the house stuff because it's so new and exciting, and once some of the initial euphoria from all this wears off, will I go back to stressing about my ED?  Or is this becoming a permanent thing?

It kind of makes me want to jump the gun and quit treatment altogether.  Okay, not really.  Not really really.  But kind of.  And don't worry, I know that would be a bad idea and I'm not going to do it, but I just don't seem to care about all that stuff anymore.  It's getting old and tired.  Too predictable and boring and stupid.  I need something new.  (And I'm not talking a new addiction!  Maybe just a hobby.  :)

I hope this is a real thing that's permanent, and that it's a new phase in my recovery, and not some fleeting thing.  That'd be cool if building a new house was like what gave me the CURED stamp in my ED file.  I've always been a little different; a little against the grain, and maybe all I need is a new house and a big mortgage and a half acre lot to get me better.  Some need therapy, I need a little house on the prairie.  ;)


Åsa said...

Nah, no need to quit treatment, but distractions are good :). Think of it like this, if you're not healthy you won't be able to enjoy your new beautiful home. Keep working towards recovery! Enjoy the no anxiety part, you deserve a break!

Heather Lindquist said...

That's sort of what happened to me, in recovery. One day I just sorta noticed that I wasn't as consumed with it all anymore. It all got very, very old. And very uninteresting. There were bigger and better things to steal my focus. And I did grieve it all for awhile......saying goodbye to that way of life was so, so hard....but so, so worth it. I'm happy you're moving forward.....house, or no house, I think this change is coming from deep within YOU.

Fight 4 Ur Lyfe said...

Sounds like you are on a good path. Keep at it! You're an awesome gal and certainly worth it!

Sairs said...

This happened to me too. I just stopped worrying and I just ate without thinking about it. It feels so good too and it is good you have such a good distraction but I don't think it will stop any time soon. I think that when your house is being built you'll be planning how to put your things in there and what colour the curtains will be etc you get what I mean. I really hope this is the turning point for you. Good luck :)