First, I have to thank all of you who commented on my last post - every single comment truly did help me, and the support I got from all of you made me feel so blessed. I'm lucky to have such a supportive and understanding group of ladies out there who want to help and want what is best for me. I just had to say that, because it really means a lot, and I want you to know that.
Having said that, there has been some fallout from my post. There are a couple of people who are really upset with me, and there has been one friendship that is as good as ended. I'm really sad. Really really sad that it didn't work out.
I'm also a little relieved, because the friendship was feeling toxic and I felt like I was suffocating, and I know that it will be good for me. And who knows, maybe somewhere down the road when we are both doing well, we can rekindle the friendship. This person is a really awesome girl, and I only wish her the best.
One comment from my last post really stood out to me. It was written by my awesome niece Marissa, and I wanted to copy and paste it here, because she articulated so perfectly how I'm feeling, and maybe some of you can glean some inspiration from it as well:
You know how, when someone's drowning, you're not supposed to jump in and save them because they're flailing and panicking and not in their right mind and they'll drag you down too? And how instead you're supposed to throw a life preserver or let a trained professional--like a lifeguard--save them instead?
That's what I think.
I think that avoiding those triggers ('pew, pew') doesn't mean that you don't love those people. I think that it means that you love yourself MORE. And you need to, because you're freaking amazing. So, you know, do what you gotta do. Don't worry about what other people are going to think. I mean, I know this isn't a perfect metaphor, but someone who's a recovering alcoholic isn't gonna hang out in bars or spend the weekend with friends who are drinking. So spending time in ED-related blogs or with friends who are still immersed in self-destructive habits doesn't make sense for you, either.
Anyway, that's what I think. I don't know how easy it would be, to stay away from all those things, but I do feel like it makes the most sense.
So, I just want to say to all you ED-bloggers out there...I wish you the best. I love you and I admire you and I hope you can find recovery and happiness. And, I'll be around. I might take a step back from time to time, just to keep me okay and keep me from drowning, but I want to say that I do not judge you for your struggles, and I know that what everyone is going through is intense and painful and REAL, and I don't want to minimize that by just saying GET BETTER NOW, because I know it's not that easy. I do believe, however; that if I can do it, anyone can, because I'm like a reject and the slowest person on the planet, and if I did it, I KNOW you can, and I believe in you and want this for you, because the happiness I am experiencing in recovery is beautiful and exhilarating and so, so worth it. So get there too, okay?
A clarification to my last post:
When I mentioned that eating disorders were about getting attention, I did not mean to generalize and say that EVERY eating disorder is only about getting attention. I'm not a professional and would NEVER want to assume why each individual person practices their eating disorder. What I was referring to was a particular person I "know" (though Facebook and Treatment Land) who is very blatantly posting pictures and status updates about being sick and wanting as many people to see it and know it as possible. I was referring to the fact that it was triggering and upsetting to me, and toxic. I apologize if people were miffed and thinking I was globalizing that all ED's are attention related. I wasn't.
I think I'm going to go back to moderating comments, at least for a little while. I don't want to do it, honestly, but I need only positive energy here, and I know some people are quite angry with me, and I don't want them to take it out on my blog.
Lots of blog drama lately. Wow.
But to all of you who support me, especially in this tough transition of new recovery, thank you, thank you, thank you.