Monday, March 19, 2012

Cade Related

It's easy to get bogged down in couldawouldashoulda's.  I think most people probably have a tendency to be hard on themselves or blame themselves (unless you're either extremely mentally healthy or a narcissistic JERK) but I think I may have a propensity to it even more, considering I have a pesky eating disorder that is all sorts of self-blame enacted on myself.

And that's kind of where I'm stuck now.  I'm really struggling with trying not to (but failing miserably) blame myself for some of Cade's struggles.  Cade is a sweet little boy who is kind and thoughtful and goofy and stubborn, and I love all of those things about him, but he's also too stubborn and insecure and self-blaming and immature.  And I have no way of really knowing if those things are just an age thing, or maybe a phase, or if it's a product of poor parenting skills.  I talked about this quite a bit in therapy today. And after it all, my T remarked that I looked "kind of sad."  And I'm like...DUH.  Of course I look sad.  Because I'm terribly worried about my little guy, and when I bring it all up and start thinking about it a lot (maybe too much) I only blame myself and get into the aforementioned couldawouldashoulda's.
(Picture: Goin to church yesterday.  Cade was especially proud of his new tie.  :)

So, honestly?  There's not much I can do about it other than love him and work with him and nurture him and pray for him.  So I'm going to leave it at that for today, and move on.  I'm feeling kind of down about it all.

Cade has his last game of indoor soccer tonight, but oh, don't you worry, he starts spring soccer this Saturday, so in case you were all worried about those boring soccer posts ceasing, NO FEAR!  You will continue to be able to read about all of his exploits, which are scintillating, I'm sure.  Also, he gets a trophy tonight, (as does EVERY KID ON EVERY TEAM) and I think that's just silly.  They lost almost every game and they get a trophy?  I know it's all about bolstering their self-esteem, but in MY day, I had to WORK for my trophies.  (Along with walking uphill to and from school every day, of course.)  That may be why I only ever had like one trophy my entire life, but pish, I EARNED it!  1st place in short-story writing, woot!

Mila had a massive blowout today.  Her adorable outfit ruined in the blink of an eye (or in the rip of a juicy fart).  It was disgusting.  That's all.  Since I talked so much about Cade today, I figured I should throw a Mila tid bit in there too.  I love her even though she craps her pants.  :)

That's all.  Bye kittens!


annamaria said...

you look stunning!

Heather Lindquist said...

What, no picture of the blowout, lol? I'm just remembering that HORRIBLE pic you took and posted of a past blowout.

I think feeling inadequate as a parent is pretty darn normal. But I'm sure, in a decade or so, you will see the rewards of all your hard work, mistakes and all!

CH said...

as you said, it IS easy to get bogged down in feelings of shouldawouldacoulda... especially for people with EDs, because it's such a self-destructive disorder, as we all know. I think it's okay and normal to worry about your kids, because they're your world and it's natural to want to protect them and make everything better... but I don't think you need to blame yourself, because from your posts, your parenting skills do not lack and you do not show a lack of love for your children, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for anything. That being said, I think it's normal to do so under the circumstances of having an ED and being accustomed to self-blame.
Children all have their own quirks. You said before that Cade is one of the youngest kids in his class, which can be a big difference in Kindergarten. There are actually studies that show that boys may learn at a slower rate than girls in the early years and boys and girls in Kindergarten can be in very different places developmentally, which can affect a number of things - academics and maturity, to name a couple!
I think your worries are normal, because parents want to do everything they can to protect and help their children, but you shouldn't blame yourself.
Cade sounds like a wonderful little boy, and someone who is growing up to be caring, kind, and loving. The other stuff will come as he is ready.

- CH

emo said...

You guys look great for church! Love your outfit Brie. :)

Yeah, I have so many of those feelings. I yell at my kids and tuck them in at night and feel like the worst mom and do sooo many other things or--don't do enough for them I feel at times.

Got to enjoy each day we have with them don't we?! They are growing too quick. I'm glad I can relate with how you feel.

Liz said...

I'm not a parent so my advice my be a little hollow, but I think the only the you can do is to love your child the best that you can and "lead them, guide them, walk beside them, help them find the way". After all that you have to leave things in the Lord's hands.
Cade sounds like a great kid. I'm sure things will get better. :) and he looks very handsome in his tie.

Marissa said...

If you ever write a book about Mila, you should call it, "I love her even though she craps her pants." I think that that's a pretty good standard of love for anyone. If you can honestly say--yeah, I'd love that person even if they crapped their pants and I had to clean it up--then that right there is true love.

Your kids are awesome (I show people their pics all the time--hope that's okay!), and so are you. Thanks for always being so willing to share yourself, even when it's not happy or pretty or nice. I admire you.

Also: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SKIRT. It is amazing.

P.S. I'd love you even if you crapped your pants.

bri said...

Omg Brie I love u ur hilarious! Text me soon! Xoxo

bri said...

Omg Brie I love u ur hilarious! Text me soon! Xoxo

Penny said...

Well after many years of experience i know that first child angst is quite real. We really do try but we usually really know so litle. But then there is an excuse for the last kids too. My fav is that parents are tired and lax by then....really kids are amazingly resililent and just want validation and love. You are doing that and it will pay off. Try not to be to hard on yourself and grin all that you can. Loves to you.

Cammy said...

I, obviously, have zero parenting cred. BUT I did watch my parents raise an incredibly, incredibly difficult boy, and really believe that sometimes even kids with the best parents are going to have challenges and things to overcome. It is obvious just from the way you write about your family that you're a wonderful parent, and you're right that at some point all you can do is love him and keep supporting him as best you can. I would imagine it's easy to self-blame, but remember that Cade is his own person, and although parents absolutely have an influence, he's a little individual with his own package of predispositions, tendencies, obstacles for the future, etc. Everyone has them, it seems like some people just have more challenging ones than others. Hang in there; I have tons of respect for you.

I'd gotten way behind on blogs over spring break, btw, and feel bad I missed some important news on your part. Hope you know you're in my thoughts often!

Your kids are gorgeous, as are you.

Erin said...

I adore the picture.