Monday, November 26, 2012

My Mess

Why hello everyone.

So few posts from me, I know.  I think I'm just going to stop apologizing about it...I mean, one day, I could very well go back to blogging daily, but for now...just ain't going to happen.  Let's be real.

Just wanted to stop in really quickly to say that I have gone back to treatment.  For the couple months that I didn't have a treatment team, I kinda let things get out of hand.

So, on November 12th, on the 3 year anniversary of losing my baby, I was wondering how I could honor her.  What could I do to remember her and honor her?  And then I decided that the best thing I could do to honor her would be to outline a treatment plan to start to get better.  Kendall  would want that for me.  She would want me to be happy and healthy.

So that's what I did.

It was tricky...financially, and with our sucky insurance...and some providers who specialize in ED's wouldn't see me, because they said I needed to be inpatient.  But I have an excellent provider who is working with me outpatient and I am getting this back under control.

I am scared and I am sad and I am flabbergasted I let it get this bad again.  I am mostly embarrassed of my body and want to hide it.  I am lonely.

But, for the first time, I actually feel remorse for what I am doing to my body, and I think now, that's why this is finally going to click and I'm going to recover.  Before, when I relapsed, my mindset was "Poor me, life sucks and I've been dealt a crappy hand in life, and I'm angry at God and everybody else and life is just so hard I can't do this so I have to keep my ED blah blah."  But now I'm more like, "Life does suck sometimes, and it IS hard, but I'm the one that made this choice to backslide.  I did this.  I need to take responsiblity for it and fix it.  This is no one's fault but mine - not God's, not my parents, not my husband's...nobody is at fault here but me.  So just grit your teeth and DO IT."

And so, I am.

I am working to gain weight but am currently dealing with some re-feeding issues.  I am following my treatment team's recommendations, and while things have gone a little slow because of re-feeding/medical issues, pretty soon I hope that will clear up and I'll start gaining faster.

So, this is me taking accountability.  I got myself into a mess.  But I'm getting myself out of it.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Much ado About Nothing

Well, Halloween was kind of anti-climactic, as is my entire life.


Mila got sick with some respiratory flu, which of course I caught, because having the flu three times in a two month period just wasn't enough. My immune system is clearly a winner.

So, Brandon took Cade trick or treating while Mila and I stayed home and handed out candy. I'm kind of glad it worked out that way though, because I had fun meeting some of our new neighbors and kids that came to our house for candy. I didn't have the energy to dress up, but if I had, the neighbors would have been scandalized with a skin-tight Avatar costume that is a full-on UNITARD. Pry best I keep that puppy packed away! Maybe next year. ;)

Photo - A flower, a Captain America, and a Brandon on Halloween.  :)

Mila is still Miss Grumpy Pants, so I fear there is an ear infection a'brewin, but what can ya do? Aside from even that, I am worried about my little chickie. She is not gaining weight, and has dropped from the measly 5th percentile in weight to practically off the charts. I am taking her to see her pediatrician on Tuesday, but I have a feeling a high fat and calorie diet are going to be in order. I KNOW she is not gaining weight because she doesn't have any teeth to eat enough to meet her nutritional demands! Her little body is trying to grow so fast and needs all this energy, but she just can't take in enough food with no chompers. :( That's the main reason I haven't weaned her off her bottle yet...if I did, she'd be getting even way less cals than she is now. At least now, with her Vitamin D milk, she gets calories. Freaking teeth just come in! I need to stop worrying about my baby now. :(

Photo - nursing a sick baby and a sick mama...

I am kind of obsessed with Instagram. I'm basically favoring it over Facebook at this point...especially with all the political posts. From both parties - just stop! I myself am a Mitt lady, but I will support Prez Obama and hope that he leads our country out of this crisis. I don't judge others for their political views and affiliations. I just hate all the political drama on Facebook now. At least I don't have to deal with all this for four more years!! Phew.

November is a hard month for me. Coming up next week is the 3rd anniversary of losing my Kendall. At least in April, when I celebrate her would-have-been-birthday, I can think about her life, and what might have been. But in November...on her death day...there is nothing but sadness and terrible memories and pain and loneliness. I am dreading this day. But, I will get through it, as I always do. It's always more painful than I remember it is going to be.

Photo - my GRAND PURRRFECT BEAUTIFUL LADIES.  I take far more pictures of them than I dare post.. ;)

How do I survive during the summer without primetime television? I am a television whore, and I am proud of it! I don't discriminate - intense dramas, comedies, smutty reality tv, come to me, come to me, and I will watch you! My faves are pry "Criminal Minds" (though I fiercely miss Paget Brewster) and I also love "Modern Family" but omg "Homeland" and "Dexter" top the charts. Oh, "ANTM!" And "Biggest Loser" is coming back in January and JILLIAN WILL BE BACK ON THE SHOW. See, my life can suck, but I have things to look forward to!!! :)

I've kind of not really updated you all much on ED stuff, and I think I'll keep it that way, for now. Just know that I am simultaneously plugging along but also struggling. Does that make sense? I'll get through it, but it still sucks and is hard.

Photo - Mila killin' me today with her outfit.  She is taking after her mama and loving the long cardi, but...those teal skinny jeans...she looks so cute!

Okay, time to do something, like you know, clean my house or some other frivolity. My damn cats lay in my bath tub and get it all furry! It drives me insane! I'm throwing a baby shower for my dear sis-in-law Ang tonight, so I have lots of guests coming over tonight, and I doubt they want to smell the litter box or see this morning's syrup stuck to the counter. Off to clean I go!