Why hello everyone.
So few posts from me, I know. I think I'm just going to stop apologizing about it...I mean, one day, I could very well go back to blogging daily, but for now...just ain't going to happen. Let's be real.
Just wanted to stop in really quickly to say that I have gone back to treatment. For the couple months that I didn't have a treatment team, I kinda let things get out of hand.
So, on November 12th, on the 3 year anniversary of losing my baby, I was wondering how I could honor her. What could I do to remember her and honor her? And then I decided that the best thing I could do to honor her would be to outline a treatment plan to start to get better. Kendall would want that for me. She would want me to be happy and healthy.
So that's what I did.
It was tricky...financially, and with our sucky insurance...and some providers who specialize in ED's wouldn't see me, because they said I needed to be inpatient. But I have an excellent provider who is working with me outpatient and I am getting this back under control.
I am scared and I am sad and I am flabbergasted I let it get this bad again. I am mostly embarrassed of my body and want to hide it. I am lonely.
But, for the first time, I actually feel remorse for what I am doing to my body, and I think now, that's why this is finally going to click and I'm going to recover. Before, when I relapsed, my mindset was "Poor me, life sucks and I've been dealt a crappy hand in life, and I'm angry at God and everybody else and life is just so hard I can't do this so I have to keep my ED blah blah." But now I'm more like, "Life does suck sometimes, and it IS hard, but I'm the one that made this choice to backslide. I did this. I need to take responsiblity for it and fix it. This is no one's fault but mine - not God's, not my parents, not my husband's...nobody is at fault here but me. So just grit your teeth and DO IT."
And so, I am.
I am working to gain weight but am currently dealing with some re-feeding issues. I am following my treatment team's recommendations, and while things have gone a little slow because of re-feeding/medical issues, pretty soon I hope that will clear up and I'll start gaining faster.
So, this is me taking accountability. I got myself into a mess. But I'm getting myself out of it.