Monday, November 26, 2012

My Mess

Why hello everyone.

So few posts from me, I know.  I think I'm just going to stop apologizing about it...I mean, one day, I could very well go back to blogging daily, but for now...just ain't going to happen.  Let's be real.

Just wanted to stop in really quickly to say that I have gone back to treatment.  For the couple months that I didn't have a treatment team, I kinda let things get out of hand.

So, on November 12th, on the 3 year anniversary of losing my baby, I was wondering how I could honor her.  What could I do to remember her and honor her?  And then I decided that the best thing I could do to honor her would be to outline a treatment plan to start to get better.  Kendall  would want that for me.  She would want me to be happy and healthy.

So that's what I did.

It was tricky...financially, and with our sucky insurance...and some providers who specialize in ED's wouldn't see me, because they said I needed to be inpatient.  But I have an excellent provider who is working with me outpatient and I am getting this back under control.

I am scared and I am sad and I am flabbergasted I let it get this bad again.  I am mostly embarrassed of my body and want to hide it.  I am lonely.

But, for the first time, I actually feel remorse for what I am doing to my body, and I think now, that's why this is finally going to click and I'm going to recover.  Before, when I relapsed, my mindset was "Poor me, life sucks and I've been dealt a crappy hand in life, and I'm angry at God and everybody else and life is just so hard I can't do this so I have to keep my ED blah blah."  But now I'm more like, "Life does suck sometimes, and it IS hard, but I'm the one that made this choice to backslide.  I did this.  I need to take responsiblity for it and fix it.  This is no one's fault but mine - not God's, not my parents, not my husband's...nobody is at fault here but me.  So just grit your teeth and DO IT."

And so, I am.

I am working to gain weight but am currently dealing with some re-feeding issues.  I am following my treatment team's recommendations, and while things have gone a little slow because of re-feeding/medical issues, pretty soon I hope that will clear up and I'll start gaining faster.

So, this is me taking accountability.  I got myself into a mess.  But I'm getting myself out of it.


Lou said...

I have no real words of wisdom... I just think you're great for working so hard to get yourself healthy.

Wishing you all the best :)

Anonymous said...

Proud of you. :)

KC said...

Proud of you...I hope you're not embarrassed; scientifically, biologically, empirically this is a long term struggle for most everyone with an AN diagnosis, and you're not a failure. I work on it every day too. I haven't had any health insurance at all in 4 years, so I think any insurance should help... Anyway, I know the treatment expectation is to be recovered yesterday, and that's hard to face. But the scientific outlook is different, and you are good, and loved, and I know you are trying harder than anything. No matter how long it takes, you're wonderful. And I hope I am too. ;)

simonattic said...

I think it takes guts to take accountability for your relapse, so.....way to go!!!!! I'm proud of you for taking the right steps. I agree, life is F-ing hard. I may be recovered, but learning to love my body is a constant in my life. You've had a rough go of it these past few years, but you've also had so many blessings and positives....those things will help you keep you're head above water, so don't forget them!

bri said...

I love u Brie Brie! So incredibly proud of u! I know i always say this but i truly am always here! You are such a great example to us all keep fighting girl. Couldnt think of someone who deserves happiness and recoveey more than u. Call or text anytime!

Maeve said...

Well done for taking the steps towards recovery! I know it's ridiculously hard, but it will be worth it.

I love reading every one of your posts but I also totally understand the need to slow it down some times.

I hope that things improve for you soon :)

ania said...

I'm rooting for you, Brie. Always.

Adam and Cassie said...

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

You are incredible and you can do this. Don't forget that.

Colleen said...

there is no better way to honor your baby girl. you're doing a great thing <3

allegri said...

Prayers love. You can do it. Kendall is so proud.

Miss you.

emo said...

I'm proud of you for working at it! You seem to be handling your situation well and with a lot of optimism, I love that!