Friday, December 7, 2012

So I Will

Hi ya'll.

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.  I had a great time with my sister and her family; they let us crash their dinner this year and it was small and cozy and really nice.  Now I'm completely prepping for Christmas; we've strung lights up on the house and I have completely outdone myself and put up TWO trees in the house - one for the living room, and one for the family room.  I feel kind of silly, but it's been fun.  :)  I am nowhere NEAR done with Cmas shopping so feel a bit overwhelmed with all that, but I am looking forward to all the holiday parties coming up.  So much fun to reunite with family and friends.

Just wanted to give you guys a quick update on what's been going on and how I'm doing:

Since going back to treatment 3ish weeks ago, things have been kind of crazy and up and down physically and emotionally.  I have been at a re-feeding risk so for awhile I was constantly getting my labs drawn, and my poor little arms were all sore.  I also had an endoscopy done and they found a wicked bad stomach infection goin on, which help explains all the terrible nausea and tummy pain I've had over the last few months...who knew it wasn't all just anxiety, like I was blaming it on?  So I've been trying to get that under control and also dealing with some really really bad acid reflux.  This is all so delightful, right?  Gah.  So, medically, I've kind of felt crappy over the last few weeks, also with lots of migraines thrown in there for good measure.

But, over the last 5 or so days, I've begun to feel much better.  I've nailed down a time that I take my two tummy meds for them to work at their optimum, and that is helping.  I sleep sitting up to help with the reflux.  Stuff like that - just experimenting and adjusting to help me feel better.

Weight gain wise I am on the right track - have gained some weight, but also have a long way to go.  I think the initial weight gain process has been a little slow because of the re-feeding risk and the tummy issues.  But I'm gettin there, and what's MORE important - I WANT to get there.

I have lots of little morsels I could share with you all, but the most pressing thing I wanted to share was this:
The reason I think my eating disorder recovery will stick this time is because, this time around, with this relapse, it is the first time I have ever felt remorse for what I've done - for engaging in my eating disorder and hurting my body and my husband and kids and those who love me and care about me.  Before, I never took responsibility for it - it was all like, "Poor me, I'm just a product of some crappy things that have happened in my life and therefore I have an eating disorder and I really can't help it blah blah."  And now, I'm more like, "Yeah, life has been hard at times, but I chose to go down this path and I chose my eating disorder, and I need to take responsibility for that and I need to fix it."

I actually feel bad about what I've done to myself.  And I really want to fix it.

So I will.

And also, congratulations to my twin brother Brett and my sweet sis-in-law Angela on welcoming their new daughter, Gwendolyn June Brown, to the family.  She is an absolute doll and I am completely in love with her.  Little Gwen already has a little chunk of my heart.  :) 



allegri said...

I am so proud of you, you can do it girly! (on the medical note, I just got scoped too... ugh) yucky. I hope you start feeling better and that the meds can calm the raging storm in your tummy!

simonattic said...

2 trees? You did go all out! : ). I did almost all my Christmas shopping online this year and loved it. Dragging my pregnant self and an almost 2 year old around with me shopping was incredibly unappealing, so I urge you to give it a won't regret it! And I can relate to the acid reflux, although for different reasons...holy moly it's awful, huh? Even sleeping sitting up hasn't helped me. I'm now on Prilosec but its like a sugar pill. I hope you get yours resolved soon! Glad to hear your doing better and sticking with the new eating plans and stuff, that's never easy. But I believe in you and know you can do it. Taking responsibility is a huge step!

bri said...

So incredibly proud of u my love!!! I can tell u are on the right track! Love u so much! Ps did u ever get my card hope i had address right. Love u!!

Sarah Hope said...

I'm really glad to hear you're feeling a little bit better. I am certain you will beat this. You've got so much to do in this life, no time to waste on an eating disorder robbing you of it. Keep us posted on any way that we can help.

Colleen said...

congrats on being an auntie again :)

glad to hear your tummy issues are getting figured out - i hope it makes gaining a little easier.

take care <3

Shawnee - Sassy in Sweatpants said...

I know we don't know each other, but I just wanted you to know that you're wonderful. You're a beautiful person and I am proud of you. Life is a bitch and too overwhelming at times, but you keep giving it the finger and I love that. Thank you for being an influence for good.

Stacy said...

2 trees are fun!. we have one fake and one real.. but decorating them is another story.
I pray refeeding gets easier on your and y our body.. I am proud of you and your ownership and willingness to tackle this.. and the apparent hope in your self and your future. you got this and I will gladly be here for you every step of the way. Love you girl!

Jenn said...

recovery is full of ups and downs.
you have come sooooo far and i hope that the struggles you are currently facing won't rob you of all of the amazing things you have done in the past. you have such courage, strength, and i learn so much from you when you write about the ups and downs. be gentle with yourself and remember that this too shall pass ; ) you got this!!