So many things, so little time!So, the 4 1/2 hour flight to NY wasn’t so bad for me. I slept on a nice comfy pillow most of the time. And by comfy pillow I mean Brandon, and by Brandon , I mean his shoulder. Bad for him, nice for me, but hey, that’s basically the way our whole marriage has gone, huh honey? ;) The one bad for me on the plane was the fact I was sitting next to some dude that looked like the guy on Prison Break who is in the mafia and likes to kill things like me for sport. Me no likey. (Here we are at the airport on our way home.)
And, can I just say that driving in NYC is like driving in a 3rd world country? Our crazy driver would weave and honk and yell and break every conceivable traffic law known to man. I (literally) was praying for the eternal salvation of my soul lest we crash and die in a fiery wreckage of twisted metal. And…the people! They’d just cross the road even if cars were zooming toward them at quite the fast pace. Apparently getting to where You Need to Go is more important than actually living. That’s got to be bad karma if you ask me. It just has to be.
So, the first leg of the trip once we got in NYC was filming the short clip they showed of me before they actually started interviewing me live. It’s so crazy to me that they edited 27 minutes of the interview down to 2. Huh. They sure left out everything I’d have basically wanted them to say, like how cool and (almost) recovered I am, and how awesome Cade is, and how he’s totally babylicious and super smart and un-damaged and how I give major props to my uterus for being really strong and cool and brave throughout the whole ordeal, and oh yeah, like how I LOOOOOAAAATHE the term pregorexia.
And then when they had to film me like staring off into space and looking hella sad and stuff…LAME. Man I felt dumb! I started to try to distract myself and think about fairies and fluffy clouds and nice pieces of male magnificence to distract me…and then the one short scene where I’m curled up on a couch and Brandon was holding me…gah! We were laughing and smiling the whole time, and finally the camera man had to tell us to not smile since this was a serious piece, but how am I not supposed to when Brandon ’s stomach was growling in my ear the whole time? For realsies, he was experiencing some serious hunger pangs.
When they shot me (shot me like on camera, not with a gun, just FYI) outside, there were millions of people walking by me and staring at me and craning their necks and wondering wtf was going on. The director of the shoot actually told one man who
asked him what was going on that I was shooting a commercial for Advil and that I had a terrible headache! AHAHAHAHAHA! I did look pretty pained, if I recall. I was so sick of the camera in my face.
After all that was over, we hauled our famished, weak selves to a nice restaurant over-looking Times Square . Brandon wolfed down a giant burger that weighed approximately as much as my left femur, and I delicately ate a cheese stake. See? I don’t even remember what anorexia is! I didn’t pick out ¾ of my meat at all. (But to my credit, there was lotso meat.)
We ended up crashing in our (amazing) hotel at 8:30, which was only 6:30 in Utah , but we were suuuuuper tired and had to get up at 4:30 the next morning. I slept quite well, withstanding once when I woke up to pee pee, then decided I was hungry and totally ate like half a box of Crunch ‘n Munch. Seriously, who does that? Who wakes up at 2:00 in the morning and decides they want Crunch ‘n Munch? Consequently, my new favorite saying is Crunch ‘n Munch much? It sounds so pretty rolling off my tongue! Oh, and I have to back-pedal a second. So when we got to the Hotel Mela and checked in, the concierge knew I was on the show and asked me if I minded telling him what I was going on the show for. Yes I do, fool! Only, I said that in my head, and out of my mouth (unfortunately) popped the truth, that I was there to talk about eating disorders. He then so eloquently professed: Kidney disorders? Yeah. Everybody’s got those these days! Bwahahahahaha! What a cute little Indian tool!
When we arrived on set in the green room, there was so much breakfast sitting around, and I was too nervous to eat, but I was thinking that everybody was looking at me disapprovingly, like, yeah, she’s anorexic, and we wasted all this money on this delicious food for nothing! –So I stuffed an egg and ham breakfast wrap in my mouth, and my nerves and innards very much regretted my good-intentioned mishap. Eeeewy for egg nastiness wanting to come back up!! Ew! (This is me just a few minutes before I went on the show.)
The lady that was doing my makeup made me laugh, mostly just because people don’t get eating disorders AT ALL, yo. I told her what I was going on the show for, and then almost in the same breath, she was like, yeah, you should totally try out for America ’s Next Top Model, you’d be perfect for it! Hmmm.
After all that was over, we hauled our famished, weak selves to a nice restaurant over-looking Times Square . Brandon wolfed down a giant burger that weighed approximately as much as my left femur, and I delicately ate a cheese stake. See? I don’t even remember what anorexia is! I didn’t pick out ¾ of my meat at all. (But to my credit, there was lotso meat.)
We ended up crashing in our (amazing) hotel at 8:30, which was only 6:30 in Utah , but we were suuuuuper tired and had to get up at 4:30 the next morning. I slept quite well, withstanding once when I woke up to pee pee, then decided I was hungry and totally ate like half a box of Crunch ‘n Munch. Seriously, who does that? Who wakes up at 2:00 in the morning and decides they want Crunch ‘n Munch? Consequently, my new favorite saying is Crunch ‘n Munch much? It sounds so pretty rolling off my tongue! Oh, and I have to back-pedal a second. So when we got to the Hotel Mela and checked in, the concierge knew I was on the show and asked me if I minded telling him what I was going on the show for. Yes I do, fool! Only, I said that in my head, and out of my mouth (unfortunately) popped the truth, that I was there to talk about eating disorders. He then so eloquently professed: Kidney disorders? Yeah. Everybody’s got those these days! Bwahahahahaha! What a cute little Indian tool!
When we arrived on set in the green room, there was so much breakfast sitting around, and I was too nervous to eat, but I was thinking that everybody was looking at me disapprovingly, like, yeah, she’s anorexic, and we wasted all this money on this delicious food for nothing! –So I stuffed an egg and ham breakfast wrap in my mouth, and my nerves and innards very much regretted my good-intentioned mishap. Eeeewy for egg nastiness wanting to come back up!! Ew! (This is me just a few minutes before I went on the show.)The lady that was doing my makeup made me laugh, mostly just because people don’t get eating disorders AT ALL, yo. I told her what I was going on the show for, and then almost in the same breath, she was like, yeah, you should totally try out for America ’s Next Top Model, you’d be perfect for it! Hmmm.
ANTM + Brie+ her eating disorder = imminent death and most likely extreme public humiliation.
I suck at math and even I get it. Sigh…
Mike and Juliet themselves were really nice…but also pretty clueless, it seemed. I honestly really believe that they had to dumb themselves down so that the greater American audience would understand. I mean, I thought that it was as well known that eating disorders are about control (among other things) and NOT FOOD just as it is known that the sky is blue or that Danny DeVito is an alien from a galaxy far, far away.
And I’ll apologize now for all the numbers talk, guys. Bad Brie! Bad M & J show! All they wanted to know were numbers! How much did I weigh? How much weight did I lose? What pant size was I? Yadda yadda yadda. Because America still thinks that ED’s are only about numbers, they want to know that, because they’re greedy and weird and sick. So, I do apologize for you having to hear those. I’m weak. I’m a weak weak weak princess. I’m sorry! BAAAAAA!
First mistake that THEY made: The first question I was asked was by Juliet, and she said something, like, So Brie, you only ate 200 calories? WTF sista? Where did she pull that number from? That’s why I paused for a minute, because I had no no no idea what she was talking about. It’s a good thing I’m eloquent and suuuuuper quick on my feet, so I sort of made it seem like I knew what she was talking about. And in the video clip, they said I got pregnant only weeks after getting out of treatment instead of MONTHS. Second mistake THEY made, which was my least favorite: Mike called my MAN-CHILD a WOMAN-CHILD! He is not a girl! He’s handsome and manly. Cate? Ugh! It’s CADE. And I love that he randomly said he was like 1 pound. Do 1 pound babies even survive? I just don’t think they were properly prepped on the whole thing. But oh wellsies!
I was really nervous (and I think I expressed some of those deep dark fears to you alls) that the audience and the ENTIRE WORLD (because I’m so sure everybody in the world watches the M & J show) were going to think I sucked at life and sucked at being a mom and sucked at eating and well, just sucked in general. But…I’m going to try to give humanity a chance and hope they like me. I like to be liked. I want to be liked. So please like me! I do wish that they would have asked me how I’m doing now, and howCate Cade is doing now, too. Because we’re awesome. Totally awesome.
The return trip home was better because I was at a window seat and only sitting next to Brandon , and this time he had to sit next to the Greek (maybe?) Jewish guy who totally looked like he didn’t speak English but DID. All I know is that he ate some nasty smelling food and that I could see the bobby pins in his hair securing his cute little hat onto his head. Brandon also made it very clear I was not to use him as a man-pillow, so that totally sucked. I love man-pillows. Man-pillows for president!!!
And then I got home. And I watched the clip a few times, analyzed when I looked fat, when I looked too skinny, when I said something good and when I messed up. But overall? I give my performance a B+.
And then we found out the water heater had broken and leaked all over our family room carpet. It was sopping wet. And that means mold. BOO mold!
And Cade wasn’t happy to see us, mostly because I think he was maaaaaad we had left him. He now prefers his trike over his parental units.
But my fat fluffy kitty lovers were pleased to see me. They seemed miffed the carpet was wet, and I asked them why they didn’t clean it up, and we got into a mini argument because they never pull their weight around there.
So, welcome home, Me! Back to the non-famous me. But you know what? I’m glad. Being famous sucks with all its kidney disorders and crazy limo drivers and nasty egg sandwiches. I love this crazy complicated sometimes hard most times lovely perfect beautiful life of mine.
Mike and Juliet themselves were really nice…but also pretty clueless, it seemed. I honestly really believe that they had to dumb themselves down so that the greater American audience would understand. I mean, I thought that it was as well known that eating disorders are about control (among other things) and NOT FOOD just as it is known that the sky is blue or that Danny DeVito is an alien from a galaxy far, far away.
And I’ll apologize now for all the numbers talk, guys. Bad Brie! Bad M & J show! All they wanted to know were numbers! How much did I weigh? How much weight did I lose? What pant size was I? Yadda yadda yadda. Because America still thinks that ED’s are only about numbers, they want to know that, because they’re greedy and weird and sick. So, I do apologize for you having to hear those. I’m weak. I’m a weak weak weak princess. I’m sorry! BAAAAAA!
First mistake that THEY made: The first question I was asked was by Juliet, and she said something, like, So Brie, you only ate 200 calories? WTF sista? Where did she pull that number from? That’s why I paused for a minute, because I had no no no idea what she was talking about. It’s a good thing I’m eloquent and suuuuuper quick on my feet, so I sort of made it seem like I knew what she was talking about. And in the video clip, they said I got pregnant only weeks after getting out of treatment instead of MONTHS. Second mistake THEY made, which was my least favorite: Mike called my MAN-CHILD a WOMAN-CHILD! He is not a girl! He’s handsome and manly. Cate? Ugh! It’s CADE. And I love that he randomly said he was like 1 pound. Do 1 pound babies even survive? I just don’t think they were properly prepped on the whole thing. But oh wellsies!
I was really nervous (and I think I expressed some of those deep dark fears to you alls) that the audience and the ENTIRE WORLD (because I’m so sure everybody in the world watches the M & J show) were going to think I sucked at life and sucked at being a mom and sucked at eating and well, just sucked in general. But…I’m going to try to give humanity a chance and hope they like me. I like to be liked. I want to be liked. So please like me! I do wish that they would have asked me how I’m doing now, and how
The return trip home was better because I was at a window seat and only sitting next to Brandon , and this time he had to sit next to the Greek (maybe?) Jewish guy who totally looked like he didn’t speak English but DID. All I know is that he ate some nasty smelling food and that I could see the bobby pins in his hair securing his cute little hat onto his head. Brandon also made it very clear I was not to use him as a man-pillow, so that totally sucked. I love man-pillows. Man-pillows for president!!!
And then I got home. And I watched the clip a few times, analyzed when I looked fat, when I looked too skinny, when I said something good and when I messed up. But overall? I give my performance a B+.
And then we found out the water heater had broken and leaked all over our family room carpet. It was sopping wet. And that means mold. BOO mold!
And Cade wasn’t happy to see us, mostly because I think he was maaaaaad we had left him. He now prefers his trike over his parental units.
But my fat fluffy kitty lovers were pleased to see me. They seemed miffed the carpet was wet, and I asked them why they didn’t clean it up, and we got into a mini argument because they never pull their weight around there.
So, welcome home, Me! Back to the non-famous me. But you know what? I’m glad. Being famous sucks with all its kidney disorders and crazy limo drivers and nasty egg sandwiches. I love this crazy complicated sometimes hard most times lovely perfect beautiful life of mine.
And in case you fell off the planet and have no idea what the Briester is talking about, go here.
