I've had a much better day today. After I recovered from watching Baby Penny (I'm only kidding, I adore that child and would walk on water for her - then not be able to do it and drown - but you get the idea) I went to therapy and had a really great sesh. The Almighty T really helped me feel better, and she should, seeing as I pay her the big bucks. She is proud of me for really making this recovery thing permanent. And I am. It's kind of a really cool thought to think, I'm never going to go back there. Yes, I will freely admit that I still struggle with wanting to lose a few pounds and not really loving the way I look, but I can very confidently say that I will never go back to the all-out starvation insane emaciated craziness I used to be. I have come too far, and I'm actually emotionally healthy enough that I don't think I'll ever "need" my eating disorder in that way again. So yes, while I'm not thrilled with my body, I don't think I'll ever go back to where I used to be. And that is an incredibly liberating thought, because I haven't ever really been able to say that. I always had this little niggling in the back of my brain, saying that I would get better now to get out of treatment or to have family and friends stop being worried about me, but in the back of my mind, I always knew I would go back. How irritating and frustrating is that?! Gah even just REMEMBERING it makes me want to pull out my hair! And I can honestly say that I don't feel that way anymore, and it feels awesome. I think the biggest reason for this change is because of my family. Brandon and Cade - but especially Mila - deserve a mommy and wife who is healthy and present and engaged in their lives. I don't want Mila growing up watching her mom engage in a severe eating disorder, because having her own one day will become second nature - and I don't know how I could forgive myself if that happened. This world is hard enough to girls/women these days, and I don't want to make it any harder than it already has to be.
I have no idea how I went off on that tangent. Kind of wasn't planning on it, but I guess I feel really good about recovery right now and wanted to share it with you!
I also had a fun day because Hubs and I bought a new dining room set. We were planning on buying a new table when we moved into the new house, but we saw an opportunity for a really great table at a really great price, and on a whim, just decided to go ahead and buy it early. It is a beaut! I am not posting pictures of it today because I'm kind of going to lump the purchases of our new furniture in my weekly house updates, so I'll post pictures then, though I know a dining room table isn't the most scintillating of blog topics, so if it bores you, I'm okay with that. :) I just really, really want to document every step of this new house process, from the construction and furniture purchasing, to the mundane and silly details, etc. I think I'll have fun looking back on it all a couple years from now. Anyway, the table looks hawwwt in our house - a little out of place in our basement apartment, but we'll deal, heh. It's going to look beautiful in the new pad!
So, good therapy sesh, new dining room table, the utter fascination of watching Brandon go to Taco Bell twice in three hours to sate that darn Dorito craving...
It's been a good day. An ordinary day, but a good one. :)