Sunday, March 25, 2012

Reflecting on the Good

Today has been...one for the books.  Today has been really hard.  I have spent the majority of the day crying.  My face is puffy and red and sad, and if you saw me, you'd think, that's a girl who is in pain.  I'm feeling really betrayed and shocked and a little helpless that I live in a world where such cruel and senseless things happen.

(Photo - Daddy and Mila at Cade's soccer game.)

But today, even amidst all the pain, there has been a lot of good, too.

I have a husband who holds me and rocks me and strokes my hair and defends my honor.  A husband who loves me and believes in me and stands by my side.

I have a good friend that I got to reconnect with today.  A friend that I haven't seen in months, yet when we saw each other, it felt so familiar and...perfect.  We picked up like we had never been apart.  Hugging her and laughing with her and seeing her again, after so long, it was seriously balm to my soul.  To Stephanie, my D-twin, I love you.  Thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for showing me what a real friendship can be like - one where there is no dysfunction or eating disorder in the way, one where our relationship is based on more than treatment and being sick, one where we have more to talk about than just the crappy.  A friendship where we laugh and joke and complete each others sentences.  A friendship in which we would never hurt each other.  A friendship in which you love my kids, and they adore you back.  A friendship that can last.

Photo - Brie and Steph, 2010

And I have to (once again) thank all of you, my amazing blog readers.  Earlier today I was very very very seriously considering making my blog private, and only allowing a very select number of people to read it, maybe only 20 or so very close friends and family members.  But for now, I don't think I'm going to do it, because you are like...my people.  You somehow love and care about this crazy girl from Utah, and I don't always understand why, but I am so grateful for it.  I was talking to my mom today, and she was talking about how grateful she is to all of you, for the support and feedback you give me.  She meant it, too.  The comments and personal emails or messages on Facebook I get from all of you...they amaze me with their wit and candor and honesty and common sense.  You are all so willing to share your life experiences and the lessons you've learned with me, so why would I not continue to share what little I have to offer, with all of you?

This world isn't always the best place to live in, but all of you play a pretty amazing role in my life, and show me that there can be kindness and goodness here, and I thank you for that.  I thank you for all being my little mini therapists and for being so invested in my well-being and happiness and for loving and laughing with me.  You all inspire me.  Thank you for being apart of my life.

I'm not sure why, but today I just had to say all this.  I HAD to take a minute and articulate all the blessings in my life, all the good people out there, otherwise I could get too bogged down in all the hurt and betrayal and pain, and I don't want to do that.  I don't want to live my life angry and vindictive.  I don't want to be someone who is hell-bent on revenge or in dragging other people down to make myself feel better.  I want to keep my chin up and thank God and all of you for being here for me.

So, thanks.  :)  Love you.

17 comments:

licketysplit said...

Hey, I spent most of my day with a red puffy face too! I hate that and it inevitably results in a headache which is even worse. Ugh. Just wanted to let you know you are awesome, and I am sorry you are having to deal with the crappy stuff you are wading through right now.

ohgina said...

Hi there. I comment hardly ever and read all the time, so I'm trying to crawl out of the wood work and be a little less creeper-y. I can relate a lot to your last few posts and I am so grateful that you're willing to keep sharing with me (uhh, us.. haha). Honestly, you make me want to keep writing in my blog cause I know how helpful you've been to me and I only hope that I can be marginally as helpful to others. Crying days suck, but they make you really appreciate the good days. Hang tough.

Gina

Lindsay said...

Days like that are no fun... I had one of them on Friday...lol. Good times. Thank goodness those days always end.

Angela said...

I'm glad that you decided not to go private. I'm sorry that you had such a rough day and that you are hurting. Crying is good. So much better than holding it in or using behaviors to numb the feelings, so kudos to you. It is an amazing feeling to know that you have friends and family who will support you through the difficult times. Having blog friend support is always nice to!

Take care, and I hope tomorrow is a better day :-)

alriggells said...

Chin up and keep on keepin on :). Sounds like you need an amazing game of what if :).

Things get better I would say. I am sorry you are dealing with a crappy world of betrayal and hurt. I am glad you acknowledged your blessing's because on days like you just described that is not always easy, yet they are there.

You rock. Seriously

KC said...

<3

po said...

Well as a South African living in the UK I am certainly not a close friend but I truly appreciate you allowing us to read your blog. I keep coming back to it every single day, and it is not just because you are so inspiring in your recovery, it is more than that. You have a magnetic personality, you are so funny and so real and so honest and I love your serious posts as well. I have not found another blog that I want to visit so often. But of course if you decide to go private that is the best decision for you and although I will miss your updates dearly, I will be glad that it is the best for you.

Alicia B. Designs said...

That's so amazing that you were able to find the positive in a really negative and sad day. You should count that as a recovery tool!!! I'm trying to do that today with my 1 year review at my semi sucky job...wish me luck!

xoxo

Tylaine said...

You're so awesome Brie! I can't believe anyone would be mean or hurtful to the awesome way you are living and trying to better your life. You have such a beautiful family! Love you!

Michelle said...

Hi-ya Brie,
what a thoughtful post. The sun will shine after the rain :)
Sometimes, we need a good cry to find our balance again.
You're a blessing to all your readers, friends and fams.

Hugs lovie!

M

Sarah @ Bearing, Eating, Being said...

I'm so sorry that you had a bad day. I HATE those. I hope you are feeling better today because you DESERVE to feel good!!! I'm also fortunate that you have the presence of mind to reflect on the good. You have always had the ability to look at things humorously when things are going wrong (me too) but there is some growth and maturity in being able to look at the things that are really truly good in those moments. I know for me at least my ability to use these skills has increased the more that I am truly in a good place.

I love your blog and I'm glad I will continue to be able to read about all of your shenanigans and deep life lessons :) Thanks for all you share with us, Brie!

Cammy said...

I think this girl from Utah kicks ass. <3 you Brie, you impress me daily.

firefly said...

So glad you kept us. I'm sorry you had a rough day. Sending you hugs!!

Liz said...

I'm so sorry you had a rough day. I wanted to reach through the computer screen and give a big hug.
You sure are blessed to have a wonderful husband and some great friends and family in your life. I hope you always remember that and remember that the sun always rises the next day.
I'm so glad you haven't made your blog private, and I feel totally selfish for thinking that. I know Ive said it before but I love reading your blog, it really does help me and it makes me want to start my own blog to share my story. But I completely understand wanting to go private.
You are a true inspiration. and I hope today was a much better day.

Sairs said...

I'm also glad you didn't go private, I would miss you. Just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts!
*hugs*
Sarah

Anita said...

Just wanted to say that I love reading your blog and appreaciate you letting all of us into your life. I've also struggled with an eating disorder for many years and that's originally why I started reading your blog in the beginning. Even though you don't share as much about that part of your life anymore (which I completely understand), I'm still so interested in what's going on in your life & I get excited to read any new posts you put on your blog. I hope you can be strong enough to know that even if some people are making negative comments regarding your decision to back away from more of the eating disordered "world", if it's what is best for you right now, that's all that matters. I know it still stings for people to say the things they're saying, but the only thing that's important for you in your recovery, is you and your family....it's your time to be selfish and have it be okay. Just know that your blog, regardless of what the topic is on any given day, helps people. Whether it's helping them by putting a smile on their face, making them laugh, letting them know they aren't alone, giving a mom a parenting tip, or just giving someone a little piece of hope, it's helping so many people. Thanks for all you do and all the fight you've put in through your life to overcome so much! I look up to you!

Take care,
Anita

Sheryl said...

Oh girl- you are so inspirational. Thanks for sharing yourself with all of us. I'm so sorry things have been rough :( *big hugs*