Reflecting on the Good

Today has been...one for the books.  Today has been really hard.  I have spent the majority of the day crying.  My face is puffy and red and sad, and if you saw me, you'd think, that's a girl who is in pain.  I'm feeling really betrayed and shocked and a little helpless that I live in a world where such cruel and senseless things happen.

(Photo - Daddy and Mila at Cade's soccer game.)

But today, even amidst all the pain, there has been a lot of good, too.

I have a husband who holds me and rocks me and strokes my hair and defends my honor.  A husband who loves me and believes in me and stands by my side.

I have a good friend that I got to reconnect with today.  A friend that I haven't seen in months, yet when we saw each other, it felt so familiar and...perfect.  We picked up like we had never been apart.  Hugging her and laughing with her and seeing her again, after so long, it was seriously balm to my soul.  To Stephanie, my D-twin, I love you.  Thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for showing me what a real friendship can be like - one where there is no dysfunction or eating disorder in the way, one where our relationship is based on more than treatment and being sick, one where we have more to talk about than just the crappy.  A friendship where we laugh and joke and complete each others sentences.  A friendship in which we would never hurt each other.  A friendship in which you love my kids, and they adore you back.  A friendship that can last.

Photo - Brie and Steph, 2010

And I have to (once again) thank all of you, my amazing blog readers.  Earlier today I was very very very seriously considering making my blog private, and only allowing a very select number of people to read it, maybe only 20 or so very close friends and family members.  But for now, I don't think I'm going to do it, because you are like...my people.  You somehow love and care about this crazy girl from Utah, and I don't always understand why, but I am so grateful for it.  I was talking to my mom today, and she was talking about how grateful she is to all of you, for the support and feedback you give me.  She meant it, too.  The comments and personal emails or messages on Facebook I get from all of you...they amaze me with their wit and candor and honesty and common sense.  You are all so willing to share your life experiences and the lessons you've learned with me, so why would I not continue to share what little I have to offer, with all of you?

This world isn't always the best place to live in, but all of you play a pretty amazing role in my life, and show me that there can be kindness and goodness here, and I thank you for that.  I thank you for all being my little mini therapists and for being so invested in my well-being and happiness and for loving and laughing with me.  You all inspire me.  Thank you for being apart of my life.

I'm not sure why, but today I just had to say all this.  I HAD to take a minute and articulate all the blessings in my life, all the good people out there, otherwise I could get too bogged down in all the hurt and betrayal and pain, and I don't want to do that.  I don't want to live my life angry and vindictive.  I don't want to be someone who is hell-bent on revenge or in dragging other people down to make myself feel better.  I want to keep my chin up and thank God and all of you for being here for me.

So, thanks.  :)  Love you.