Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Alotsa Stuff

I have to post something, anything, to get that darned sandwich paragraph not at the top of my blog anymore!  I keep reading it and reading it, gradually getting more and more astounded at how dirty the ENTIRE thing sounded, when I didn't mean for it to!  And okay, so I'm not the cleanest person on the block, and my brain spends it's fair share amount of time in the gutter, but it's just funny, because yeah, okay, the whole O part I meant to be dirty, because the O word cannot be construed in any other way, but the rest sounded so freak nasty, and I didn't even intend that!  So scooch down gross sandwich, and make room for a new post that is going to be full of holy thoughts and non-O's.  :) 

Photo - I showered!

I went out to lunch today with a friend, and you know what, it was really nice.  I hadn't seen her in quite awhile, and we spent a good 90 minutes catching up, and it felt really good just to let some of this crap out that has been getting me down.  And she asked how I was doing, and asked about stuff that I could tell she was genuinely interested in.  I don't think she reads my blog, so she may never know how much this afternoon was just nice to have someone listen who actually seemed to really care.  So, thanks, Friend.  :)  Sometimes all you need is Penne Rosa, a Diet Coke, and a good conversation.  It totally rejuvenated me.

I kind of got the vibe on Monday from my T that she and my dietician think I am giving up, specifically with this whole intuitive eating debacle.  Actually, let me be more specific; she said that she thinks I'm giving up on myself.  But I don't feel that way at all, and I tried to explain it to her, and I think they understand a little bit more now...
It would be different if I were quitting everything, but I'm simply asking for another way.  Another way to eat all I need to eat to maintain my weight and be healthy and have energy, without IE.  And really, I don't know if I'll go back to it, but right now I just can't do it.  I can't.  I don't have the mental stamina to do it, it's just too taxing.  I guess I'm just writing all this to clarify to you guys that I'm not giving up - I hope you don't think I am, like maybe you are misunderstanding where I am coming from.  I actually think that by standing up for what I think, and voicing it to my treatment team, that I'm actually taking care of myself.  Usually I am a doormat and just go with the flow.  I'm breaking that cycle now.
I think they more or less are on board with me now, and see it the same way I do...
but I hate being misunderstood.  It really sucks, huh?

I'm sorry that lately I don't have much to blog about...I want to blog, because writing inevitably makes me feel better, and I don't know, just more free, but when all I do is sit in my house in the gloomy weather, it's not like many interesting things happen to me that I can all regale you with.  Unless you consider me recounting every dirty thing I say to Hairy as a legitimate candidate for a blog post.  :)

So thanks anyway, for reading my rambly and not always cohesive, semi-boring posts.  Maybe one of these days something interesting will happen.  Until then, I pretty much only have my therapy and dietary appointments to talk about, jeesh.  Although tomorrow I am going to Cade's spring program at school, so I'll have some pretty wickedly cute pictures of him singing.  :)  That'll break things up a bit.

Bye, kittens.


Liz said...

I don't think you're giving up, you're doing what's best for you. And I think it's great that you're articulating to your treatment team what you want and need. I hope the rest of your week is good.

Cammy said...

I think it's impossible to eat at Firehouse Subs without picturing firefighters and feeling a little bit of good dirty. ;p

I am SO glad that you can go out to lunch with a friend and enjoy your time with her instead of letting stress over food consume the whole occasion. I think you should stop and give yourself a ton of credit for that alone. And I'm glad that you had a good time with her!

I still think you're doing the responsible thing in speaking up about the type of support (mealplan) that you need in order to stay healthy right now. I endorse you, Brie.

I would LOVE a "Dirty Conversations with Harry" blogpost, fyi. ;)

Hang in there and enjoy Cade's program tomorrow, you rock, Brie, and don't forget it.

IJustDontKnow said...

Hey, Beautiful! (side note: your hair is really long! I'm way jealous!)

I enjoy every word you write so don't think it's boring. I like hearing the daily, seemingly-mundane stuff. That's why I read your blog - to "hear" your thoughts about regular ol' life and what's going on in your day. Weird as it may sound, I truly feel connected to you through this blog and you're a regular part of my mental world*. (I live in that world A LOT!) I love your perspective on the most minute details and inconsequential happenings. You always bring a smile to my face and I feel less like a nut-job myself when I read what you're thinking/doing. I'm not alone. THANK YOU for that.

You are absolutely correct that you are taking care of yourself by being open and honest about IE not working for you. I'm beyond impressed that you gave it an honest try and rather than throwing in the towel completely, you chose to go back to a meal plan. That's admirable and self-care-y of you! I know from my experience that it's sooooo easy to give up completely when one avenue doesn't pan out the way I'd hoped. I never give anything enough time to truly make a change. That you have stuck with recovery this long... A-MAZ-ING! (Not in the "I-never-thought-you-could-do-it" way but rather "Wow. It IS possible to fight this" way.) Twice now I've read your blog from the beginning (I SWEAR I'm not a stalker!) and am so in awe that you are where you are now given what's transpired in just the time you've blogged about.

I simply heart you.

*case in point - today I got an email regarding a work-related training course offered in SLC and I immediately thought, "Brie!" As if in reality strangers would meet up out of nowhere. *roll eyes/cringe in embarrassment*


IJustDontKnow said...

PS - I haven't read much Stephan King, but I LOVED "The Stand" - even the TV movie was pretty good.

Delilah said...

Hey there... new to this whole blog thing. I know exactly where you are coming from. IE is HARD, especially at the end of the day when I am an exhausted.

You're definitely not giving up, and there has to be another way out there, besides mindful eating. Way to go for speaking up!

Laura said...

I hate feeling misunderstood too. And, just to reassure you, it never crossed my mind that you were giving up - quite the opposite!

Glad lunch was so lovely.... those moments with friends are SO important!

CH said...

I applaud you for telling your team exactly what you need, rather than hide your struggles from them and allow yourself to slip backwards in recovery. I don't think taking a (maybe permanent) break from IE is going backwards in recovery, because you're still a) maintaining a healthy weight and b) still in a positive mindset about recovery.

Sharee said...

It seriously has to be the season change that makes me feel that same gloom! Even though its great weather! Weird! But I too am pulling out of that funky funk. Lunch with friends and sisters are the best:) And sometimes just having my chill time with my kids is nice too. Love reading your blog, always makes me laugh! Only you could make a sandwhich dirty. HAHA!