Friday, April 13, 2012

Brie the Grouch

Man, I can't get this glumness (glumiosity? glummys?) to dissipate.  I am SO not a happy camper today.  I'm not exactly sure why - yes, there are small things, here or there, that have irritated me or made me sad or whatever, but there hasn't been this one big thing that has just made me want to throw this temper tantrum - and I almost wish there were, because at least then I could fix it.  As it is now...I'm just sitting here in this GIANT pit of despair, wondering what on earth is wrong with me, and what on earth it's going to take to pull me out of this.  I think my depression is just cyclical, and sometimes, no matter how well things are going in real life, I'm just going to be a little down.  And then the wheel starts turning again, and I start feeling better, even when there are no real, discernible reasons for that happening.  When stuff like this happens, I honestly just need to ride it out.  And that's not always as easy as it sounds, but it's the best I've got, I suppose.  Sigh.  I guess I'll just keep truckin.  In the meantime, I'll keep sharing my freeze-dried apples with Mila and blogging.  Two things I am doing right at this very moment, that are making me a teensy happy.  :)  Pictured is Mila, lovin the aforementioned dried apples.  :)

Saw the dietish today - first time seeing her since I sent her the email, telling her I was quitting intuitive eating.  I was NOT looking forward to the appointment, but I guess it went okay.  If by "okay" you think that crying for no reason and blubbering your way through 30 loooooong minutes of session time is "okay."  More like "Okay, we've established I'm a loser!  Can I leave now?"
At least though, for the time being, she respected my wish to go back to my mealplan.  She did say that eventually, she hopes I'll try intuitive eating again, and she reiterated to me time and time again that I don't "suck" at intuitive eating, and I'm "doing better than I think I am," etc, but nothing much at this moment can convince me to keep going with IE - for right now, at least.  I need the mindless structure of a mealplan, because I do not have the emotional stamina to sludge my way through IE right now, I just don't.  Though why on earth I had to cry to tell her that, I have no idea.  I NEVER cry in dietary, like seriously I can easily count the number of times I've cried in front of her on one hand, and at least they were always for semi-legit reasons; today was just a killer.  I feel like such a baby, but I couldn't help it.  All the anger and confusion and just general what-the-helledness that is my life lately came spilling out of me in the form or unwanted tears full of embarrassment and inconvenience.  And they didn't stop when I was out of her office, either.  Good thing I grabbed a couple tissues for the drive home.  :/

And then, to make matters a little more sucky, my therapist texted me this morning, cancelling my session I was supposed to have with her because she's sick.  I replied, telling her I had a $25 cancellation fee for appointments not cancelled with at least 24 hours notice.  She replied, telling me she'll absolutely pay the fee.  Good!  Maybe now that can go halfway towards the new pair of Toms I want.  ;)

But it still won't make up for the fact that I had a loooot I wanted to talk about today - I really could have used a good sesh today - just my luck it happened this way.  :(  Oh well, I'll survive, right?  And if any of you want to volunteer to be my therapist until mine has her game face back on, lemme know!

Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend.  Not sure what I've got planned yet, probably just some cleaning and family stuff, starting a new Stephen King book; nothing too exciting.  I need something mega awesome to happen to cheer me up, like maybe getting a clown-gram or a bouquet of flowers, or SOMETHING.  Pssst, Husband, get on it!!!

Love ya'll.  Sorry I've been so grouchy this week.


Liz said...

I'm so sorry that you have the grumpys. I can totally relate to those times when nothing is really getting you down but yet you are down. It sucks. Just keep swimming.
I absolutely hate when my T cancells on me, when I have an appointment I have to psyche myself up and think about what I want to talk about and then my anxiety goes up, and that takes a lot of energy so when I get cancelled on it's so frustrating. But what can you do.
If I was in UT I would totally do a singing telegram for you. But luckily for you I'm not in UT and you don't have to hear my crappy singing voice so instead I will just say I hope you cheer up and have a great weekend. Maybe if you watch Saved that will help put a smile on your face.

brie said...

thanks liz. :) i'd like a singing telegram...hmmmm....

and, you're right - i'm not even joking, i just might pop "saved" into the dvd player!!

CH said...

it's cold here in southern CA right now, too, which in my mind, gives a person the right to be pretty crabby.

at least you were able to get the essentials at Costco the other night, i.e. DIET COKE. which is the only real, true, essential beverage in life, right...?

I hope your grumpiness goes away soon - sometimes a nice hot bath with a good book and a giant diet coke can help a sister out.... :)

jperry said...

I absolutely know that depressed, down, I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't get out feeling. And I reallly hope it passes soon. Because you deserve to be happy! Just keep being nice to you and doing whatever you can to feel better! <3

po said...

Hey Brie, I've been on holiday for the last two weeks and just finished catching up on your blog. I have no cheering up powers really, but I can say that reading your blog was the first thing I did when I got home and fired up the internet and I love every post, happy and sad. So thanks for cheering me up, anyway.

Laura said...

when I feel this way, I like to go to the mall and look at people uglier than me. That always cheers me up.


sort of.

a latte and my sister usually do the trick.
GOOD things in life.
Reminders that my life is short and it is the relationships in my life that matter.
The rest is just crap.
So I don't focus on the crap, and I focus on relationships.

ya know what else works? I pray. I ask God to simply take the crappy feelings away. I let Him know that to do my job well...mama and wife...the jobs HE called me to do...I need to feel happier. And He promises to provide. So I call Him on it. And unlike a therapist, He never cancels on me :-) He works 24/7. For FREE!
I think this works for me, now, at the almost age of 42, because I have finally discovered that being happy doesn't always mean feeling happy. I call it "the peace in the chaos." I can be sad, and not really know why..but I am at peace inside knowing that this too shall pass, and that I am blessed beyond belief.

All that said, I am dressed as a gorilla in a hot pink tutu on my way over to sing at your doorstep with a dozen circus balloons, a case of diet coke, and a new pair of Toms just your size...hope you're home....

Cammy said...

I was away for the weekend and am just catching up on posts; hate to hear that you had one rough session and one canceled one. :(

You are NOT a loser for having a hard time switching to IE. I have never been able to do it without losing weight, and am mealplan-bound for the near future at least. It's something that is important to work towards, but the fact that you were brave enough to even try it is awesome, and you should be proud of that. And you should be incredibly proud for realizing that it wasn't keeping you safe right now and asking to go back on the MP instead of taking the opportunity to move towards a relapse. Kickass, Brie, you are a star. Hang in there and keep your chin up, you don't give yourself enough credit.

Which King book are you on now? I'm about 1/3 of the way through Full Dark, No Stars.

bri said...

Brie baby....I love u so much! I don't think words can describe how proud of u I am!!! I will totally play therapist!!!! I had to cancel my apt so I too didn't have therapy. About IE don't sweat it I do a meal plan and I'm fine with it. I think there are far worse situations u could do
.... and I'm proud of u for voicing ur opinions and doing what's best for u!!