Friday, April 6, 2012
I have been crying a lot today (you can probably tell that from reading my previous post).
I've been really MAD - at myself, and at the circumstance I find myself in right now.
Today should be a happy day - I want to remember my daughter and all the positive about her, and about all the good that came from her.
But it hasn't been very happy.
I have gotten so wrapped up in the circumstances surrounding her death and in blaming myself.
Cue the anger and the sadness and the crying.
Earlier this morning in therapy, I had been planning on releasing a white balloon with my T.
But, in session, I was too hurt and bitter and upset to let go of a balloon; I felt that Kendall deserved more than me having nothing but pure anger in my heart when I released a balloon.
So I told her that I couldn't do it.
And I came home.
And cried a lot. A lot a lot a lot.
But then I realized something...
I realized that today isn't about me. It's not about me at all.
It's about Kendall.
It's about the fact that Kendall gave her life so sweet little Mila could join our family.
It's about Kendall saving my life; making me see how and why I need to recover.
It's about Kendall being my hero.
It's not about me and my anger and bitterness.
So I texted my therapist, and I asked her if I could come back and release a white balloon with her.
And she gladly said YES!
So I took Cade and Mila, and we went back to release those white balloons that I know Kendall was so anxious to receive.
Cade was very conscientous about who got which balloon, as they had different colored strings.
He wanted purple (because it was the biggest),
I got yellow because OF COURSE he knows that's my favorite color,
My T got green because she loves that color,
and Mila got pink, because according to Cade, all baby girls like pink.
We gathered together outside, and it was cold, but the sun was shining and we didn't care!
We all said something nice that we remembered about Kendall, and we all told her we loved her,
and then we released those balloons.
And we watched them
and watched them
and watched them
until they were so far away, we couldn't see them anymore.
My eyes teared up, thinking of Kendall and of how much I miss her, and I teared up watching Mila release her first balloon (of many) to her sweet, big sister Kendall.
today is about you.
I love you. I miss you still so much, and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish I could chase after you, as you'd be toddling around the house by now. I'd be doing your hair in pig tails and you'd be saying lots of words and playing with your big brother.
I miss you. I will always miss you.
But I know you are happy and safe.
I believe that.
So I say goodbye, for now.
You are good. You are my daughter. And I love you.
© blogalisciousness by brie at 3:53 PM