Friday, April 6, 2012

Kendall Day

Today is Kendall Day.  My baby would be 2 years old today.
Today has been bittersweet.  But mostly bitter, I'm sad to admit.
I have been crying a lot today (you can probably tell that from reading my previous post).
I've been really MAD - at myself, and at the circumstance I find myself in right now.
Today should be a happy day - I want to remember my daughter and all the positive about her, and about all the good that came from her.
But it hasn't been very happy.
I have gotten so wrapped up in the circumstances surrounding her death and in blaming myself.
Cue the anger and the sadness and the crying.
Earlier this morning in therapy, I had been planning on releasing a white balloon with my T.
But, in session, I was too hurt and bitter and upset to let go of a balloon; I felt that Kendall deserved more than me having nothing but pure anger in my heart when I released a balloon.
So I told her that I couldn't do it.
And I came home.
And cried a lot.  A lot a lot a lot.
But then I realized something...
I realized that today isn't about me.  It's not about me at all.
It's about Kendall.
It's about the fact that Kendall gave her life so sweet little Mila could join our family.
It's about Kendall saving my life; making me see how and why I need to recover.
It's about Kendall being my hero.
It's not about me and my anger and bitterness.
So I texted my therapist, and I asked her if I could come back and release a white balloon with her.
And she gladly said YES!
So I took Cade and Mila, and we went back to release those white balloons that I know Kendall was so anxious to receive.
Cade was very conscientous about who got which balloon, as they had different colored strings. 
He wanted purple (because it was the biggest),
I got yellow because OF COURSE he knows that's my favorite color,
My T got green because she loves that color,
and Mila got pink, because according to Cade, all baby girls like pink.
We gathered together outside, and it was cold, but the sun was shining and we didn't care!
We all said something nice that we remembered about Kendall, and we all told her we loved her,
and then we released those balloons.
And we watched them
and watched them
and watched them
until they were so far away, we couldn't see them anymore.
My eyes teared up, thinking of Kendall and of how much I miss her, and I teared up watching Mila release her first balloon (of many) to her sweet, big sister Kendall.
So Kendall,
today is about you.
I love you.  I miss you still so much, and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish I could chase after you, as you'd be toddling around the house by now.  I'd be doing your hair in pig tails and you'd be saying lots of words and playing with your big brother.
I miss you.  I will always miss you.
But I know you are happy and safe.
I believe that.
So I say goodbye, for now.
You are good.  You are my daughter.  And I love you.


CH said...

You sure know how to pull at a girl's heart strings!
This post actually made me tear up, because your pain and love for Kendall are so obvious and raw in it.
I know you've posted a little about your faith before, and I just wanted to say - I know Kendall is looking down on you and your beautiful family, and she is happy, content, and proud of you all. Your baby girl is with her Creator.

I love the way you were able to turn your day around and go to the park with your family and T. Kendall is definitely watching you, proudly.

I will pray for you today, on this Good Friday, as I thank God for giving his only son for us. I will pray for comfort and easing of your pain, and that today, and everyday, you are able to remember the good things about your baby girl.

Take care of yourself. Thinking about ya, even if I'm only from blog land.

Femina Scribens said...

My eyes welled up as I read this. I am so glad that you got to a place where you could honor Kendall today. I wish you peace on this Easter weekend.

Cammy said...

Thinking of you and all of your children, Brie, you are an amazing mother.

Sheyenne said...

Happy birthday, Kendall! No other words, really. Days like today suck but are still so very precious- no, sacred- at the same time. Praying you can have grace on yourself today. ((hugs))

Liz said...

What a beautiful way to remember your sweet little girl. I'm reminded of the poem by E.E Cummings;
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I've been thinking about you all day and I made sure to write love on my arm today for you and Kendall.

Sarah Hope said...

I am glad you went back to release the balloon. You did it for Kendall, for sure, and you also modeled something special for Mila and Cade. What a wonderful mama you are!

I love how you end your discussions about/to Kendall. It's so lovely.

Laura said...

yes, you are SUCH an amazing mother. (big hug)

emo said...

Yep tears rolling down my cheek.
It's nice to know that you will see her again. She is happy. That's so true because of her you have Mila. I'm so glad you do too. I love that sweetheart! :)

Alie said...

What a sweet, wonderful way to honor and remember Kendall. Your strength and perseverence are amazing. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts!

Telstaar said...

So so glad that you were able to go back and release the balloons with your T and the kids, I can only imagine how much joy would've been with Kendall as she witnessed that, I can imagine you spraying shimmery sparkles all across her patch of heaven and Jesus helping her out as it goes.

I will always remember her and always be thankful to her for saving your life and bringing Mila to us, she paid a high price but so many beautiful things have come out of the darkness.

love you, love her xo

Jackie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sarah @ Bearing, Eating, Being said...

This made me cry. What a beautiful tribute to an amazing person.