Friday, April 6, 2012

At Least When I Was Alone

Back when I was completely entrenched in the eating disorder, and crazy sick out of my mind, I never relied on people.  I didn't want to.  I liked the idea that I was an island, and that I didn't need anyone or anything to help me.  Yes, it was lonely, but if that was the price I had to pay in order to be untouchable and self-sufficient and survive, then so be it.

Slowly, as I have been in recovery from the anorexia, that has started to change.  It has been tremendously difficult for me to admit to others that I'm not okay, and to ask for help, and to rely on someone to help me if I'm feeling down about something.  In fact, I'll often email my therapist asking for help, and then freak out and feel stupid I did so, and send her a second email actually apologizing for asking for help, tell her I don't need her to reply, and then feel mega stupid as I hit the send button.

I get ANGRY at myself for needing other people.  Like, I'm embarrassed to admit I need human contact and love and support.

This week has been tough.  And I have quite literally spent this entire morning sobbing.  And I'm done asking for help, or reaching out.  Because not having those needs met, or worse, feeling like they don't care...I can't take it.  That hurts more than not asking for help or love or reassurance in the first place.  I want to go back to being an island.  I want to go back to not caring if people don't give a damn.  At least when I was alone, no one could hurt me.  At least when I was alone, I didn't have expectations that no one can (or is willing) to fulfill.

It hurts so much.  I am sitting here, at noon on a Friday, wondering how I'm going to get through my day without having a complete breakdown.  I am so MAD at myself, and it is at this moment that I want to engage in the ED or in some other self-destructive behavior.  Because I'm mad I wanted people to care, and they don't.  I'm mad that I care in the first place that they don't care.  I'm mad that my expectations were too high.  I need to lower them, and I need to go back to being alone.

Because wanting someone to care, wanting to feel important and validated...
and then not getting that support...
hurts more than I can explain.  I feel bereft and angry and sad and completely devastated.

At least when I was alone, I never felt that.

*Oh, and just to clarify, there are some people that are aware of what is going on with me right now, and who have told me that they care and are here.  This post is not meant in any way to negate or minimize how awesome they are for remembering me and this day.

12 comments:

Fight 4 Ur Lyfe said...

I can certainly say that I can relate. Admitting and acknowledging that we, as human beings, need human connection in order to grow and thrive....we'll... It sucks, and it's hard and it hurts like hell to need others, only to find no one can be found. I'm in that spot too, and have been there awhile. I think that's why I secretly enjoyed ( yes... Enjoyed) being in the hospital last month; because I didn't have to search so hard to find someone to talk to, because there was a nurse or a tech hanging with me at all times... Day and night.... And... It was a relief not to be alone... Even if it meant hanging with the nursing staff or techs. Anyhow... Just saying that I get it... It hurts. You hurt. And it's painful. I can validate your feelings on that.

Hang in there gal.

alriggells said...

Wow, you put it into words so well. Funny, that is what I talked about in therapy today as well. How I would rather do my own thing, have those few superficial relationships (maybe) and never get emotionally involve. It hurts too much to do so. You get rejected, hurt, and feel even more alone then ever before. This week has hit every button for me. The question is, do you want to go through life like that? Does all the good that has come from the journey to a better life out weight the pain of this right now? I don't have any words of incredible wisdom because to be frank I am struggling with this right now and wrote a blog about it a bit ago. However, I want to know I think about you often and I love ya. I know I don't show it like I should, but I do. Hang in there. :)

Liz said...

This post makes me sad.(hug) I care and I want to help.
I know exactly how you feel. I hate asking for peoples help, it is so much easier being alone and it does really hurt when others let you down,so I always try to shut people out before they get an opportunity to hurt me, but that is the price we pay for moments of joy which always surpass the bad times. Today must be such a hard day for you and I promise people care. I'm always here to talk or listen. be strong.

Heather Lindquist said...

Oh Brie, I'm so sorry! It is safer to be that Island, but think of all the love you will miss out on. Loving someone sometimes hurts.....even letting others love us can hurt. And yes, putting yourself out there to be loved, and then not receiving it, hurts even more. My heart is heavy for you....I know it' might not seem like much, but I care a lot about you. Please don't hide away......even though it hurts, please keep reaching out. There really are a ton of people who care deeply about you and would want to help.

I know Kendall would be 2 now......I know it's tough right now. I'm thinking of you today and wish I could hug you.

Jonny and Haley said...

Just so you know, I care. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Ewa said...

I've been in a similar boat, but more having to do with failure. I didn't want to even TRY to recover because then I'd have no excuse for not achieving a lot of the goals I had. At least when I had an excuse of why things were not working (or in your case, a reason not to ask for help) I didn't have to bare the feeling of failure (or for you, the rejection). But then I realized it's all a risk we have to take. Life itself is a huge risk we have to take. You'll take the risk to feel something amazing. And even though you may feel rejection, with the right people or person, you will feel the support you need. And yes, agreed, that when the rejection comes it is painful. As people one of the main things we want in life is to feel accepted by others and not rejected (a lot of the time eating disorders stem from wanting acceptance, too...or sometimes people want to numb the rejection by focusing on something else, i.e., ED). But you know what? As long as you have those that support you and love you, like your Husband and your illegally adorable kids, then you'll always have someone to rely on. When you take that risk with someone else and they do not deliver, just make sure you have those people that will not let you down. And every time the rejection occurs and you deal with it, well you're only becoming better equipped to deal with it. And everything we know about ourselves stems from a comparison to someone else who is different (i.e., you can know you have brow hair because their is someone who does not) so at least when sailing the boat off this island, and maybe feeling the rejection when it occurs, you'll learn about yourself in that you'll know that that is not you...something you would not do. And take pride it.

Sairs said...

I'm so sorry to hear you feel so alone. I have been there myself once or twice in the past. I don't have any words of wisdom but I wanted you to know that I hear you and I care and I hope this passes quickly. Be safe and be gentle with yourself!
*hugs*
Sarah

brie said...

thank you, all. i appreciate you taking the time to tell me you care. and, in general, i do know that i have a lot of people out there (at least in blog land) who care. last night i just had a major let-down, and that's what is really upsetting me today. so thanks again for reiterating that you care. needed that today.

KC said...

I care lots and want to send love and hugs and let you know my door is open. I was just talking about this in therapy this week...oh and maybe last week and the week before (but sometimes it's more salient than others)--that I have this policy of never asking for help unless I absolutely need it and can't do it on my own, and so when people say no it's absolutely devastating because I wouldn't have asked them in the first place if it wasn't so important.

I'm not sure if that's what you meant or not but your post did resonate with me and I just want to say I'm sorry it sucks and hurts and people let you down. Trusting and relying on others is super devastating for me too...Let me know if you need anything! At the very least you have my love.

Krista said...

Someone posted this in the CFC FB group. I thought it might be helpful on your tough days.

“Recovery does not mean cure. Rather recovery is an attitude, a stance, and a way of approaching the day’s challenges. It is not a perfectly linear journey. There are times of rapid gains and disappointing relapses. There are times of just living, just staying quiet, resting and regrouping. Each person’s journey of recovery is unique. Each person must find what works for them. This means that we must have the opportunity to try and to fail and to try again.”

Katie said...

I know I don't know you, but I feel like I care about you and your well being, so I can only imagine how much people care about you who know you. Hang in there Brie.

Frustrated Unemployed Actress said...

I know what today is, and I care - always.