Back when I was completely entrenched in the eating disorder, and crazy sick out of my mind, I never relied on people. I didn't want to. I liked the idea that I was an island, and that I didn't need anyone or anything to help me. Yes, it was lonely, but if that was the price I had to pay in order to be untouchable and self-sufficient and survive, then so be it.
Slowly, as I have been in recovery from the anorexia, that has started to change. It has been tremendously difficult for me to admit to others that I'm not okay, and to ask for help, and to rely on someone to help me if I'm feeling down about something. In fact, I'll often email my therapist asking for help, and then freak out and feel stupid I did so, and send her a second email actually apologizing for asking for help, tell her I don't need her to reply, and then feel mega stupid as I hit the send button.
I get ANGRY at myself for needing other people. Like, I'm embarrassed to admit I need human contact and love and support.
This week has been tough. And I have quite literally spent this entire morning sobbing. And I'm done asking for help, or reaching out. Because not having those needs met, or worse, feeling like they don't care...I can't take it. That hurts more than not asking for help or love or reassurance in the first place. I want to go back to being an island. I want to go back to not caring if people don't give a damn. At least when I was alone, no one could hurt me. At least when I was alone, I didn't have expectations that no one can (or is willing) to fulfill.
It hurts so much. I am sitting here, at noon on a Friday, wondering how I'm going to get through my day without having a complete breakdown. I am so MAD at myself, and it is at this moment that I want to engage in the ED or in some other self-destructive behavior. Because I'm mad I wanted people to care, and they don't. I'm mad that I care in the first place that they don't care. I'm mad that my expectations were too high. I need to lower them, and I need to go back to being alone.
Because wanting someone to care, wanting to feel important and validated...
and then not getting that support...
hurts more than I can explain. I feel bereft and angry and sad and completely devastated.
At least when I was alone, I never felt that.
*Oh, and just to clarify, there are some people that are aware of what is going on with me right now, and who have told me that they care and are here. This post is not meant in any way to negate or minimize how awesome they are for remembering me and this day.