Monday, April 30, 2012

A Weighty Smattering

Heya!  What be up?

Hope everyone had a great weekend - mine was low-key - but fine.  We went out to the lot on Saturday and explored the house, and then Sunday I had to teach my dreaded sunday school lesson.  I was moaning and groaning and hemming and hawing about it all weekend.  I whine when it's my turn to teach!  If I was teaching kids, it'd be so much easier, because they don't seem so judgemental, (at least the leeeettle kids) but teaching adults, man - the epitome of SCARY.  They were all really nice though, and a few even came up to me afterward and told me how good a job I'd done, so I suppose it can't have been that awful.  If anyone wants to learn more about King Benjamin's sermon to his people in Mosiah, and if you'd like a "mighty change of heart," then I am your gal!  ;)

Photo - Whit snapped this pic of cade, playing with his new Thor hammer.

Today has been alright.  I saw the T this afternoon, and that was swellsies.  We talked about a smattering of things, and it was all very nice.  Heh.  SMATTERING.  Me likey that wordy!  ...She made an interesting comment about my body I'm still scratching my head on..
So she said that last week, when I was walking out of her office and through the waiting room, her next patient waiting to see her watched me go.  And when this patient came into her office, she said something along the lines of, "I don't have to gain weight, but man, that girl sure does!"

And I'm like...
Scratching my head, here. 
So confused.

I know I don't need to gain weight.  I'm not underweight - AT ALL.  I know that I am definitely not at a point where I need to lose any more weight or anything, and all of the post-baby weight has definitely come off, but I guess I just get stuck comparing my body to how it used to be, and it's xx lbs away from scary-skinny Brie, and I feel like I look so BIG all the time, so to have someone look at me and think I'm really skinny and need to gain weight is just WEIRD.  Seriously, there's no other word for it - just plain 'ol WEIRDNESS.  And also, I kind of want to guffaw.  Or even throw my head back and scream with laughter.  But maybe that's just the immature part of me.  :/

On one hand it's nice to hear that other people think you are thin, and not some giant whale, but the majority of my thoughts tend to lie in the realm of being stressed out that someone thinks I'm too thin, because I really don't think I am, and I'm eating a ton of  food to prove that I am recovering from the ED.  And you know what?  I no longer WANT to be seen as "too thin."  I don't want to portray that image anymore.  I'm over it.

And I really don't want to get too caught up in what other people think - so I guess I should just stay strong in the fact that I know that I'm doing well, and I know that I'm eating, and what other people are going to think about me is up to them, and it shouldn't matter to me.  But...

I know I'm in a zone though where I need to be careful, as losing any weight at this point wouldn't be okay, so I really need to take what she told me seriously, and not scoff and brush it off, because if other people are viewing me as too thin, (even if it's like 1 in 100) then I'm probably at the point where I need to be cautious and make sure I'm getting in every bite of my mealplan, just to make sure I don't lose anything.  And I will!

Photo - Mila being too cute while getting messy, eating yummy Oreos.

Has anyone else ever encountered something like this?  Or any ideas/thoughts on how to handle something like this?

But man - just weird to have someone so completely throw a wrench in the whole way you think and view your body.  I haven't had anyone tell me I'm too thin in a looooooonnnnnnnnnggggggg time, so it really kind of threw me for a loop.  I guess I'm still kind of trying to process it.

In other news, I just had a nasty flavor of Hot Pocket.  Don't get the pizza flavor with sausage!  Eewies!  However, I'm now murdering several peanut butter Oreos, and those are going down muuuucccch nicer.  :)  I always default to Hot Pockets for lunch (with a few sides) when I'm feeling lazy and/or cheap for lunch.  But man, that was a giant bucket o' yuck.  :(  Eating gross food sucks, which is still a nice transition from when my stance used to be eating ANY food sucks.  This is at least a step in the right direction, and I've decided that eating disorder or no, eating sausage just might be against my, like, VALUES.  Or maybe just frozen sausage.  I don't know.

Okay, this smattering is officially over.  Bye!


Cammy said...

Our perceptions of ourselves are so damn fascinating, because they can often be just so damn inaccurate or contingent upon stress/emotions etc.

I have definitely had experiences where I got a comment or a glimpse of myself in a photo that was totally inconsistent with how I conceptualize what my current weight looks like on my body. I thought this would stop happening once I got past X weight, and then Y weight, and it's gotten less frequent but still occurs sometimes.

I also think that when you've been at a much lower weight, it is hard to take concerns about your current weight seriously, because it is a lot "better" to you without necessarily being "Better" to the rest of the world. I'm speaking generally here, not challenging what you said about your own weight status because 1) other people's weight is none of my business and 2) it sounds like you are talking openly with your team about it and listening to their viewpoint/expert opinions, which is great.

As for how to deal with it, in my inexpert opinion: I have found that the least reliable/consistent approach is my own view/sense of myself, because that can vary wildly from day to day even when my weight is staying constant. I'd say open dialogue with your team, and accepting that BMI guidelines and other medical standards do indeed apply to one's own case (none of the "I'm healthy even though I'm not at X recommended point yet against the wishes of my treatment team" stuff). Sometimes using deliberate cognitive knowledge over immediate sensation/feeling is the way it has to be, even though it sort of skirts around the intuitivity that everyone touts. Listen to the people that love you and want you healthy and happy.

Your kids are seriously beautiful, like their mom! ;)

brie said...

thanks, C, i appreciate all you said - it made sense, and i totally agree that i probably shouldn't trust too much what *i* think about my body, but rather i need to trust my team and those closest to me, like brandon and/or my mom...

po said...

I personally wish people would not comment on other people's weight. Ever. I have not had an eating disorder for years, and thought I was super comfortable with my body. It just happens that I can be naturally quite thin and eat tons.

Then last year I gained some weight, just a small amount, but I realised that all the comments about how thin I was had dried up. I hadn't paid much attention to them until they stopped. And it freaked me out. I didn't realise how acclimatised I had become to being the thin one. I felt that same loss of identity that I had with an eating disorder - what was I to these people if I wasn't the thin person they constantly commented about?

Now that I am older and wiser I can deal with these thoughts and recognise them to be irrational and walk away from them, but if people did not constantly comment on my appearance, but chose to comment on something more worthy, like a good character trait or talent, then I wouldn't have had to deal with that identity crisis at all.

brie said...

I hear you. People always used to tell me how thin I was, and those comments stopped, and it sucked. Everyone really does put farrrrrrrr too much emphasis on it, I agree.

Laura said...

Ugh... comments like that are a reality check (which can be both easy and hard to hear at the same time). When we get those comments in recovery, it's really easy to over think it, but I think it's best to try to just use it as a reminder to keep vigilant and keep doing what you you're doing. You're doing great!

For me, I was always SO embarassed of my lower weights - when I was anorexic. It made me feel so, so embarassed - like my problem was out in the open. And I hated the attention it attracted. I didn't even want to leave the house or be seen in public because I just felt so exposed and didn't want anyone to notice or say anything. When I was at my lower weights, I actually used to think "please, can't i just be obese." Obviously, I would have flipped if that had happened - and I certainly dont' wish that now. But, yeah, I just did not feel comfortable being known as "too skinny." EW.

Liz said...

Ya, I've had people say things like that to me. And it's hard to hear even if it is true, because those E.D. voices lie to you and you don't believe other peoples view of you.

Kaylee said...

Ugh, it's so inappropriate to comment on other peoples' weights. I get so caught up in my own distorted views of my body, that any comment from someone else is like a massive wake-up call. But really in any situation, ED or no, it's just not in good taste.

And I'm with Cammy, you have two beautiful kiddos!

Danielle C. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather Lindquist said...

Oh my goodness......please people, refrain from writing your weight and sizes!

Heather Lindquist said...


I agree completely with Cammy. She's very wise.

I never, ever viewed myself accurately until I was YEARS into solid recovery. I had to depend on those closest to me to help me know the truth. Now, I do believe I see myself correctly, for the most part, however, I know I have days where I'm not so sure, lol.

The mind can be a tricky thing. : )

For right now, I'd trust what your D, T, and family say.