I once had a therapist, back when I was inpatient, who told me that if I wanted, I could take a "recovery break." What she meant was that, since recovery and the pursuing of it can get so exhausting and demanding, every once in awhile, if one needs a break, you can simply take one, without guilt or worse - slipping back into old, eating disordered behaviors. She told me that I could give myself a day, maybe two, to just...relax. To not engage in ED behaviors, but to also not have to devote 90% of my brain power to all that recovery demands. Taking a break is needed, I think, for everyone. Think about how much you treasure your breaks at work, or those short breaks you get when your kids are napping or at school and you get just a minute to stop and relax and not have to think so much.
I need a break.
So, I'm going to take a recovery break.
I'm not going to start restricting, or lapsing back to crappy behaviors, but I'm exhausted. It would be so easy to just not care, because working toward recovery is so involved and time/brain consuming and sometimes it just gets...well...old. Eating and breathing and wearing and sleeping and walking and thinking recovery always, all the time, is just getting to me.
And, really, what's mostly getting to me, is this intuitive eating thing.
I hate it.
I can't do it.
I don't want to be hyper-aware of all my food thoughts and of my hunger/fullness and paying attention to every.damn.morsel I put in my mouth. I don't want to put in the effort it requires.
I'm just being honest.
And no, I don't know for sure that I want to be on a mealplan for the rest of my life, but at least when I'm on a mealplan, I'm so used to it, that it's just easy and mindless and I can kind of eat and then move on. But with how involved learning intuitive eating is, I can't do that. I have to think about what I want to eat, and why. And then I have to think about how the food tastes in my mouth, and how do I feel about that? And then I have to gauge my hunger and fullness, and not just that - am I satisfied or not? And then I have to evaluate how I feel after the meal...do I feel okay? Guilty? Upset? Content?
I want to eat what I need to maintain my weight and be healthy and have energy, and that's all I want to think about. It really is. And, with a mealplan, I can do that.
So I emailed my dietician, and told her that I am quitting intuitive eating, and that I am going back to my mealplan. I told her I wanted to see her every other week, instead of every week, and that maybe in a few months we can reevaluate and see if I want to try getting back on the old intuitive eating horse.
But this is just me, saying...HELLO HI I'M HERE I NEED A BREAK. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO RELAPSE, IT JUST MEANS I NEED TO FREAKING BREATHE FOR A MINUTE. (OR A FEW MONTHS.)
So that's the plan. A break. I need a break.
And maybe it's not a break in the traditional sense. Maybe, what it really comes down to, is that I don't like intuitive eating. I know that everyone preaches about how it's the Nirvana every eating disordered person wants to reach, but really, do we all have to have the same recovery? Do we all have to do it the same way? I think not. Maybe my recovery isn't going to involve intuitive eating, and I think I may be perfectly okay with that.