Friday, April 20, 2012

Dissecting the Depression

Hey guys, missed you yesterday.

Hope all is well?

Photos - all taken at Cade's spring program at school.  He is closer the the left side of the pictures, in jeans and a navy blue shirt with grey long sleeves.

I have some stuff to say:

These past two weeks that have been really hard for me...I've talked a little bit about it, yeah, but I'm also saying a lot of things to avoid actually saying things.  Does that make sense?

No?  I didn't think so.  Crap, okay.  Let me try to start again.

Two weeks ago was the anniversary of Kendall's birthday.  She would have been two.  I blogged about it a bit.  Now, I also blogged about how the week leading up to this anniversary was extremely difficult for me, just because I was thinking about it a lot and getting stuck in the what-if's and the what-should-have-beens, and I was also blaming myself for her death and just in general getting stuck in a headspace that isn't that healthy for me to be in.

During this time, I tried to reach out.  I reached out a bit to all of you, and I reached out to my best friend - I remember calling her the day before the anniversary, bawling my eyes out.  I let Brandon know what was going on, and maybe my mom a little bit too. I also of course talked to my therapist, because she and my Man and my mom are the top 3 people that I am open with and share stuff with.

I'm just going to be honest, here...

I felt so let down.  Let down by the people in my life.  And before I go more into that, let me clarify a few things:

I DO NOT feel let down by any of you.  I am actually amazed that you blog readers, many of you from all over the world, and 98% of you whom I've never even met, took the time to try to cheer me up or help me or comfort me during that difficult time.  I am amazed that people who have never even met me, seemed to care more about the anniversary and what was happening for me than the actual people in my life.  NO ONE in my family said one word to me.  My mom did, but not one other person, besides my husband, of course.  Some of my closest friends didn't call or send a text.  Either no one remembered, or they did remember, but just didn't think it was a big deal, or that it mattered.  That I mattered.

And I also have to throw another disclaimer out...because some people did remember, and that means more than you'll ever know.  To the few who did, who sent me texts or emails or messages on FB, thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And I was telling all this to my therapist today, and I was just ANGRY, because if this obviously isn't a big deal to anyone else, WHY IS IT A BIG DEAL TO ME?  Why do I care?  I know we live in a society where the miscarriage or stillbirth of a child may not be a big deal, because it happens chillingly too often.  Or maybe it's because people are getting abortions left and right, so the life of a child that never actually took a breath in this world doesn't really matter.  I don't know.  And I'm not really trying to get in the politics of all this.  But I am just trying to say, that it felt like no one cared; that the people in my life that I wanted to care, simply because they care about me, didn't.  I'm not asking anyone to cry or mourn the loss of a child they never felt a connection to, never got to hold or look at or giggle with.  I understand that to them, they're not really going to be sad about it.  But I guess I wish that they would be sad for me, because they care about me, and because they know that I care and that I am sad.  But no one did.

And that hurt like hell.

And so, I got mad.  And then I got sad.  And then I enterered into this two week long mega depression.  And I already have a tough time trusting people anyway, but with this happening, let's just say that my trust and desire or even ability to lean on someone else is really...almost gone.  And that's not even necessarily all from this Kendall fiasco, but from other things that have happened recently, too.  Sometimes people simply want to hurt you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.  But because of all this, I got scared.  I hunkered down in my foxhole and I covered my head and curled up in a teeny ball and just tried to wait this mess out.

And I've been doing okay.  But I've also been hurting a lot, not really trusting those close to me, wondering why people in my life don't care.

And I can't believe I'm actually posting this, and who knows, it may be taken down.  But I was finally brave enough to talk about it with my T today; to tell her I was sad and a little hurt, and that I wanted to connect with her and trust her, but I felt let down.  I was able to admit it, and it felt so good, that tears of relief were just streaming down my face.   My T and I worked it out, and I feeel really good that I finally just let out the anger and what-the-f'edness, and just worked it out with her, so that I could stop being quiet and sad and passive aggressive.

So now I'm blogging about it.  Because holding it all in and trying to pretend like it wasn't a big deal wasn't helping, it was only hurting me.

You guys have been awesome.  You've supported me and helped me and cheered me on, even if maybe you didn't understand the whole story.  So, thanks.  Thanks for being here for me, when some people in my life who were "supposed" to, weren't.  Kendall's birthday is a big deal to me, and maybe it isn't to other people, and I need to learn to be okay with that.  What is monumental to some, might be spilled milk to others.  And so, even if her birthday didn't mean much to you, I know that at the very least, I must mean something to you, because so many of you did offer your support and condolences.  And I thank you for that.

So I think that's what this stretch of the gloomiosity has been: feeling forgotten and umimportant, looked-over.  I hope that by figuring it out and recognizing it, I can challenge some of those ill-founded (and in some cases, maybe legitimate) beliefs, and soon begin to feel a bit better.  That's the idea anyway, and that's why I'm blogging.

This is long, I'm proud of you if you made it through this.  :)  I hope you all have a great weekend, I'll be around.  Love ya.


Anonymous said...

Quoting you:

"...because if this obviously isn't a big deal to anyone else, WHY IS IT A BIG DEAL TO ME? Why do I care?"

It's a big deal to you, and you care, because you're her mother. You had a connection to her that no one else did. So you will always care, and it will always be a big deal to you, and that's okay.

Love you.

Liz said...

I just want to hug you so tight right now. You are so brave and have such a loving soul. Losing a child is probably one of the hardest things a parent can face, and I am so sorry that Kendall never got a chance to grace the world with her presence. It's a big deal to you so it's a big deal to me. I am so sorry that you've had to deal with all this stuff on your own. I'm here for you.

Anonymous said...

1) I'm glad I got to this before you took it down (if you take it down).

2) WOW. Cade has turned into such a little man! Geez.

3) I often get myself stuck in the, "WHY CAN'T I JUST_______" (ex: why can't I just EAT, why can't I just GET OVER IT, etc...). It's a crappy place to be because I think we sensitive people have a hard time validating our feelings and when OTHER people can't seem to do it, I know I just spin in circles in my head.

4) I'm glad you posted. And I'm glad you let us (yeah, I'm speaking for the WHOLE blogosphere, haha) in and try to support you. Blogging always helps me, even if I don't think anyone reads it, because it lets me eave my yuckyness somewhere other than my brain.

Hang in there.

Kaylee said...

Hey Brie -I've never commented before but just wanted to say I hate that you're feeling so terrible. I only know you through this blog, but I was still heartbroken about Kendall. She would have been so loved, and there are really no words for that kind of loss. So you have every right to be devastated, and every right to feel angry that your pain isn't being acknowledged. I really hope things start looking up for you soon, take care!

Adam and Cassie said...

I sort know how you feel. I had 3 miscarriages and with each one I lost more friends. I had many people tell me it's because they didn't know what to say or they were tired of walking on eggshells around. What I really needed was someone to care. Someone to curl up on the couch with me and let me cry.
I am so sorry about Kendall. I don't know how someone could go through that and not think it's a big deal. Sending tons of love and support your way.

Heather Lindquist said...

I'm so sorry people who should've been there for you weren't. That sucks majorly. I know it's different, but each year on the anniversary of my mom's death, I feel so very alone too. Like no one gives a damn. And nobody remembers, ever. Not even my husband. It hurts a lot, so I can feel some of that pain you must've felt. And yes, miscarriages and stillbirths seem to be so taboo for people to talk about, yet it happens so often you'd think more people would show they care more. It baffles my mind and heart. I've lost 2 babies to miscarriage, and I will always remember them and still feel sad when I think of them. I'm sorry you're hurting right now, and I hope you do get the support you need and deserve. I'm glad you got it off your chest...that too can be so freeing.

Cammy said...

I won't pretend to understand what it's like to go through what you experienced with losing Kendall, but I hope I can at least help honor her by letting you know that it of course was a big deal, and no one deserves to go through that. People get so wrapped up in their own little worlds, with no bad intentions, and as the years go on it's hard to face the fact that such an anniversary isn't on everyone's radar anymore. I had a close friend die in high school, and there has not been a single March 10 in the last 11 years that I haven't brooded about it all day, even though no one in my family or friend circle talks about it anymore. And that wasn't anywhere near the scale of losing a child.

I want you to know that you've also given me some insight into what a difficult and isolating process this can be. My mom has miscarried half of her pregnancies (1 in the first trimester, 2 in the second) (three surviving children, three that didn't make it), and she has never, ever, ever discussed it with me or anyone else that I know of. I was young when they happened and not fully aware of what was going on, but since I've been an adult I've never asked her about it. I think you're actually doing a huge service through your candidness of what this process has been like for you, although I know it must be painful even to articulate sometimes.

Hang in there, B, you have megasupport as always.

Cammy said...

I didn't mean to make that comment all about me, damn, hope it didn't come off that way. :( Hate that you're having a hard time, Brie.

Alie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the letdowns and your incredible pain. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, but I know it must be devastating. Precious Kendall and her birthday DO matter. Your pain matters. I'm glad letting out the frustration and hurt has been helpful. Keeping you in my thoughts!

Unknown said...


I just wanted to let you know that I've prayed for you and sent you best wishes many times.

Hope that's okay!



brie said...

thank you, all. heather and cassie, i'm sorry you've been through so much pain - you know as well as the i do the loss of a child, and it really, really sucks.

cammy, you didn't make it all about you - your comment really helped. they all do. thank you.

CH said...

I read a line in a book once.. it was a long time ago, and I couldn't even tell you the book title... but it was something to the effect of, "I just want the world to stop turning and let me off, because everyone else's worlds are still turning". It was essentially because the girl felt like her world was deeply impacted with the death of someone close, but no one identified with her feelings, and felt like she was all alone.
I think it's kind of what Cammy was saying - through no bad intentions, people sometimes get busy with life, and what feels SO important to us, isn't necessarily unimportant to other people, but they are not as deeply impacted, and it doesn't come up on their radar. That being said, I don't think their busyness helps the feelings of anger and resentment we may feel towards the other people, you know? I think you did the right thing by talking to your T about it and getting it off your chest.
I'm so sorry that a tough day for you was made even tougher by feeling alone and let down. That's a tough pill to swallow and I hurt for you, Brie.
I'm glad you know your blog world "friends" are here to support you, and that we care.

PS - Cade's performance looks ADORABLE.

PPS - I love and validate your dirty talk towards your cats.

KC said...


Maeve said...

I'm sorry that you've felt let down.

I think that your honesty about your grief is one day going to help others. I know this is probably a small comfort to you know, but I think it's important that people feel comfortable to speak up about the tragedy of miscarriages and stillbirths.

Take care of yourself Brie. You are amazing and inspiring.

alriggells said...

Thank you for showing endless strength. For being a human being and sharing. You have taken a leap of faith and I want to thank you for doing so. Trusting people is not easy by any means, and you trusted those in your blog world to take in what you had to share and care. Thank you. I feel like even though I cannot understand it with a child I can understand it with the loss of my brother and I can say first hand IT IS A BIG DEAL and it always will. I hope you never stop allowing yourself to mourn Kendalls loss, rejoice what she gave to your life, and embrace the daughter you have. Thank you for sharing. I love you.

Krista said...

I have always wanted to thank you for the day you had a balloon release for Kendall and you invited us to all to send not a only a balloon to her, but to someone we had lost as well. That day gave me a little hope and a way to grieve my own miscarriage that happened at the same time. I don't think I will ever be able to forget Kendall and that special day because of what it meant to me, so thank you!

whitney said...

I have been meaning to comment and let you know that on Kendall's birthday she got a balloon released from Alaska to her. Your family is always in my prayers. You are such a strong person!

Anonymous said...

I definitely understand where you are coming from with the support issue. I feel like my parents, and a lot of people in my family just don't care about certain things, or some of them don't really know what to say, so rather than asking how best help me, or whatever.

I feel completely let down, and I totally get where you are coming from with this. (Just in a different aspect, obviously i haven't been through the loss of a child)

Anyway, you are amazing, and the courage you have is breathtaking. Keep hanging in their, you are doing great.