Dissecting the Depression

Hey guys, missed you yesterday.

Hope all is well?

Photos - all taken at Cade's spring program at school.  He is closer the the left side of the pictures, in jeans and a navy blue shirt with grey long sleeves.

I have some stuff to say:

These past two weeks that have been really hard for me...I've talked a little bit about it, yeah, but I'm also saying a lot of things to avoid actually saying things.  Does that make sense?

No?  I didn't think so.  Crap, okay.  Let me try to start again.

Two weeks ago was the anniversary of Kendall's birthday.  She would have been two.  I blogged about it a bit.  Now, I also blogged about how the week leading up to this anniversary was extremely difficult for me, just because I was thinking about it a lot and getting stuck in the what-if's and the what-should-have-beens, and I was also blaming myself for her death and just in general getting stuck in a headspace that isn't that healthy for me to be in.

During this time, I tried to reach out.  I reached out a bit to all of you, and I reached out to my best friend - I remember calling her the day before the anniversary, bawling my eyes out.  I let Brandon know what was going on, and maybe my mom a little bit too. I also of course talked to my therapist, because she and my Man and my mom are the top 3 people that I am open with and share stuff with.

But...but...
I'm just going to be honest, here...

I felt so let down.  Let down by the people in my life.  And before I go more into that, let me clarify a few things:

I DO NOT feel let down by any of you.  I am actually amazed that you blog readers, many of you from all over the world, and 98% of you whom I've never even met, took the time to try to cheer me up or help me or comfort me during that difficult time.  I am amazed that people who have never even met me, seemed to care more about the anniversary and what was happening for me than the actual people in my life.  NO ONE in my family said one word to me.  My mom did, but not one other person, besides my husband, of course.  Some of my closest friends didn't call or send a text.  Either no one remembered, or they did remember, but just didn't think it was a big deal, or that it mattered.  That I mattered.

And I also have to throw another disclaimer out...because some people did remember, and that means more than you'll ever know.  To the few who did, who sent me texts or emails or messages on FB, thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And I was telling all this to my therapist today, and I was just ANGRY, because if this obviously isn't a big deal to anyone else, WHY IS IT A BIG DEAL TO ME?  Why do I care?  I know we live in a society where the miscarriage or stillbirth of a child may not be a big deal, because it happens chillingly too often.  Or maybe it's because people are getting abortions left and right, so the life of a child that never actually took a breath in this world doesn't really matter.  I don't know.  And I'm not really trying to get in the politics of all this.  But I am just trying to say, that it felt like no one cared; that the people in my life that I wanted to care, simply because they care about me, didn't.  I'm not asking anyone to cry or mourn the loss of a child they never felt a connection to, never got to hold or look at or giggle with.  I understand that to them, they're not really going to be sad about it.  But I guess I wish that they would be sad for me, because they care about me, and because they know that I care and that I am sad.  But no one did.

And that hurt like hell.

And so, I got mad.  And then I got sad.  And then I enterered into this two week long mega depression.  And I already have a tough time trusting people anyway, but with this happening, let's just say that my trust and desire or even ability to lean on someone else is really...almost gone.  And that's not even necessarily all from this Kendall fiasco, but from other things that have happened recently, too.  Sometimes people simply want to hurt you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.  But because of all this, I got scared.  I hunkered down in my foxhole and I covered my head and curled up in a teeny ball and just tried to wait this mess out.

And I've been doing okay.  But I've also been hurting a lot, not really trusting those close to me, wondering why people in my life don't care.

And I can't believe I'm actually posting this, and who knows, it may be taken down.  But I was finally brave enough to talk about it with my T today; to tell her I was sad and a little hurt, and that I wanted to connect with her and trust her, but I felt let down.  I was able to admit it, and it felt so good, that tears of relief were just streaming down my face.   My T and I worked it out, and I feeel really good that I finally just let out the anger and what-the-f'edness, and just worked it out with her, so that I could stop being quiet and sad and passive aggressive.

So now I'm blogging about it.  Because holding it all in and trying to pretend like it wasn't a big deal wasn't helping, it was only hurting me.

You guys have been awesome.  You've supported me and helped me and cheered me on, even if maybe you didn't understand the whole story.  So, thanks.  Thanks for being here for me, when some people in my life who were "supposed" to, weren't.  Kendall's birthday is a big deal to me, and maybe it isn't to other people, and I need to learn to be okay with that.  What is monumental to some, might be spilled milk to others.  And so, even if her birthday didn't mean much to you, I know that at the very least, I must mean something to you, because so many of you did offer your support and condolences.  And I thank you for that.

So I think that's what this stretch of the gloomiosity has been: feeling forgotten and umimportant, looked-over.  I hope that by figuring it out and recognizing it, I can challenge some of those ill-founded (and in some cases, maybe legitimate) beliefs, and soon begin to feel a bit better.  That's the idea anyway, and that's why I'm blogging.

This is long, I'm proud of you if you made it through this.  :)  I hope you all have a great weekend, I'll be around.  Love ya.