Day #5 - Body Appreciation Day

Body appreciation day...

You know, I don't completely love my body - or more specifically, the way I look.  It's not like I pass my reflection, look at my body, and think, "Oooh, that is FINE!  Dear body, can I get your digits?"

BUT.

I appreciate my body.  I love it for fighting and fighting and keeping me alive.  I love it for not giving up on me, or out on me, when it damn near should have.  I used to step on the scale, 2, 5, 10 times a day.  That's all my body was good for, to see if it had done it's job and lost more weight.  When I lost weight, it had behaved well, but when I gained, or even just maintained, it was punished.  Punished with self-harm, or with starvation.

I use my body now to lift up my baby girl or run races outside in the yard with Cade.  I use my strong, capable hands to tuck my kids into bed every night or tickle Brandon's back.  I use the strength and stamina in my body to be a mama, and to do all the things necessary that my kids need.  I have energy and strength to take care of them and love them with everything I have.

My healthy body can do these things now.  And, sometimes I take it for granted.  I remember once, when I was in the hospital and had been receiving IV fluids and nourishment through a tube, when I had been there about a week, I suddenly started to feel better.  My head cleared, and the dull, pounding headache that was a permanent fixture in my life started to abate.  I had a little more strength to walk around and get from A to B.  I could stand without losing consciousness.  I had a little more strength to smile and carry on a conversation.  And I remember, as I started to feel a little better, (though far from weight restored and Better) I remember thinking, I will never again take for granted what it means to feel well.  What it means to have strength and energy and to not feel like I'm going to die.

But.

As the time passes, sometimes I do forget.  Sometimes I forget that the normalcy and stability I feel with this good health is precious, and it's a gift, and that it comes with recovery, not with relapse.  That is why I'm glad I was able to write this post today; to remember that recovery and energy come hand in hand, and that regressing back to anorexic behaviors will not only make me ill-tempered and grumpy and spacy, but it'll make me tired and weak and sick like I used to be.  And I don't want that.

I want to have fun on this vacation with my sisters, and eat and laugh with them, and tan my well-nourished and bigger body in the sun.  I want to appreciate my curves, because in appreciating them, I am appreciating good health and vitality and the true essence of life - even with all its imperfections.

So today, to honor my body, I'm going to eat.  I'm going to go on a hike with my sisters, and I'm going to think about my AWESOME body a lot, and say thank you, thank you, thank you.  You are a survivor.  You got me through the worst of days, and I promise to never do that to you again.