Well, because no one likes to be shot down. And so I have bided my time with this line of thinking, keeping my thoughts from you. But I think it's time to ask you guys a couple of things. So buckle up, and let's go:
I am a writer. I was born to be one; I can feel it in my bones and in every beat of my heart. Sounds terribly sappy and dramatic, but I mean it. One of the clearest memories I have is as a five year old, sitting in my dad's massive desk chair, propping myself up, and writing poems in my erratic handwriting with horribly spelled words and quirky rhymes. And I'd declare to myself, "I WANT TO BE A WRITER WHEN I GROW UP!!!" And I knew it would happen, in the simple and childish way you know things will happen, because your dreams have not yet been squelched with the harsh and bitter realities of growing up, and everything that entails.
So yes, now that I'm "grown up," being a writer isn't as easy or as romantic as I thought it would be. I love my blog, it is my real and true passion, but it doesn't pay the bills. My writing has changed me, made me a better person, and I hope some of you too, but I want more.
And so, I am going to self-publish a book. The contents are still at this point going to remain a mystery to all of you, but I can tell you that it will be about eating disorder recovery, but it'll be funny as hell, and I hope maybe a little inspiring, too.
But you want to know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid no one is going to buy my book or want to read it. That no one will be interested in what I have to say. It's kind of like...you throw yourself a lavish birthday party, with balloons and streamers and cake and red punch, and you wait and you wait, and no one comes. No one cares about you or your stupid birthday after all. And your hopes are dashed. And you are left feeling alone, and bewildered, wondering why no one wanted to celebrate with you. And you feel insecure and humiliated.
That's what it would be like for me, if I put my very soul into writing this book, and no one cared. I'm not looking to become the next Great American Author, but, dammit, I want my story heard.
I guess the question is, would any of you be willing to listen?