No Shame

I don't really know what came over me, but I went to my blog, and in the search field, I typed in "feeding tube."  And like 200+ posts popped up.  And then I started reading.

And I'm just...kind of reeling.  It brought back so many things that I had forgotten; about how hard it was to physically gain weight, the nausea that came with reflux from the feeding tube, allergic reactions to the tube, dealing with people's negative and surprised reactions to seeing someone with a tube, having a BMI that was almost deadly...all of this...

And through it all, I kept remonstrating OVER AND OVER that I was fine.  That what was going on wasn't a big deal.  That all was good. 

And it wasn't.  It so clearly wasn't.  Not even close.

And I think, you guys, that I honestly was in this super intense state of denial.  Because, after re-reading those posts, I remember believing back then with all my heart that I was doing recovery and that I was fine.  I didn't think I was sick.  But now, I look back at that, and the whole post just screams SICK.  And PATHETIC.  And SAD.

It makes me...horrified.  But you know what?  I think that's GOOD.  I think it's good that I don't look back at those posts and think they are from the glory days, or wish I was still that thin, or that sick, or whatever.  None of that is happening for me.  I just feel SICK when I look at all that.  And grateful that I am where I'm at now, and not back there.

And that is why I am posting this picture.  I'm EXTREMELY insecure about it, but you know what?  I posted pictures of me all the time when I was mega-thin.  Not to be triggering, but just because even at a low weight, I still wanted to document things, etc.  But it's only fair, right, that if I'm going to document that ultra-thin stuff, that I document that healthy weight Brie too, right?  I want to promote the idea that you shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed of your body if you are at a normal weight, or not underweight.  So, I'm posting this picture of me in my bathing suit that was taken this weekend on my vacation.  I am trying to be proud of my curves.  NO SHAME.  I refuse to let myself be embarrassed about this.

In other news, today has been perfectlyaverageordinary.  I ran several errands, spent my life savings at Costco, then unpacked and cleaned up from my trip.  And Mila's being a giant stink face and won't nap...I think she just wants to stay with me to make sure I don't leave her again.  But it is making for a very frazzled mommy who needs some alone time.  But that doesn't look like it's going to happen.  (As I type this, Mila is looking up at me and grinning.  That grin says MOM, I WIN!  WAHAHAHAHA!!) 

In better news, doesn't the Bachelor start like this week, or next?  I cannot wait for the next smutty installment!  It's going to be glorious, and Monday nights are once again going to cease to suck.  Hooray!

Okay, I better bail before I chicken out and take down the picture.