Monday, May 7, 2012

No Shame

I don't really know what came over me, but I went to my blog, and in the search field, I typed in "feeding tube."  And like 200+ posts popped up.  And then I started reading.

And I'm just...kind of reeling.  It brought back so many things that I had forgotten; about how hard it was to physically gain weight, the nausea that came with reflux from the feeding tube, allergic reactions to the tube, dealing with people's negative and surprised reactions to seeing someone with a tube, having a BMI that was almost deadly...all of this...

And through it all, I kept remonstrating OVER AND OVER that I was fine.  That what was going on wasn't a big deal.  That all was good. 

And it wasn't.  It so clearly wasn't.  Not even close.

And I think, you guys, that I honestly was in this super intense state of denial.  Because, after re-reading those posts, I remember believing back then with all my heart that I was doing recovery and that I was fine.  I didn't think I was sick.  But now, I look back at that, and the whole post just screams SICK.  And PATHETIC.  And SAD.

It makes me...horrified.  But you know what?  I think that's GOOD.  I think it's good that I don't look back at those posts and think they are from the glory days, or wish I was still that thin, or that sick, or whatever.  None of that is happening for me.  I just feel SICK when I look at all that.  And grateful that I am where I'm at now, and not back there.

And that is why I am posting this picture.  I'm EXTREMELY insecure about it, but you know what?  I posted pictures of me all the time when I was mega-thin.  Not to be triggering, but just because even at a low weight, I still wanted to document things, etc.  But it's only fair, right, that if I'm going to document that ultra-thin stuff, that I document that healthy weight Brie too, right?  I want to promote the idea that you shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed of your body if you are at a normal weight, or not underweight.  So, I'm posting this picture of me in my bathing suit that was taken this weekend on my vacation.  I am trying to be proud of my curves.  NO SHAME.  I refuse to let myself be embarrassed about this.



In other news, today has been perfectlyaverageordinary.  I ran several errands, spent my life savings at Costco, then unpacked and cleaned up from my trip.  And Mila's being a giant stink face and won't nap...I think she just wants to stay with me to make sure I don't leave her again.  But it is making for a very frazzled mommy who needs some alone time.  But that doesn't look like it's going to happen.  (As I type this, Mila is looking up at me and grinning.  That grin says MOM, I WIN!  WAHAHAHAHA!!) 

In better news, doesn't the Bachelor start like this week, or next?  I cannot wait for the next smutty installment!  It's going to be glorious, and Monday nights are once again going to cease to suck.  Hooray!

Okay, I better bail before I chicken out and take down the picture.

24 comments:

Erin said...

I don't usually read your blog (not regularly) but it pisses me off that you don't think you're thin NOW. You are, and you're a friggin' idiot if you can't see it. Wow, the curves! Rolling my FAT EYES AT YOU.

brie said...

i never said i wasn't thin. i simply said i was posting a picture of me at a HEALTHY weight, with no shame. chill the hell out.

Fight 4 Ur Lyfe said...

Brie you're the hottest momma in Utah that I know. Don't care what anyone else says... YOU'RE FIERCE AS HELL! Work it girl. Work it!

brie said...

thanks L. :)

Fight 4 Ur Lyfe said...

Anytime girl. Us amazing chicks have to watch each others backs. :)

Katie said...

Proud of you Brie!

Liz said...

Thanks for posting that pic, I know how hard it probably was. You do look great though. :)

CH said...

You look beautiful! There is absolutely no shame in having a beautiful, healthy body to be a wonderful mama to C & M and a healthy body to be able to have the energy to enjoy vacation! There is only pride in that :)

ALSO - obviously I'm excited for the Bachelorette. Let the Monday night smut begin!

Traci said...

You look great and I'm not just saying that to be nice, you really do. And the hat? Fabulous! I want one!

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

I like the looks of that pretty lady in the bathing suit. :-)

C-Girl said...

you go girlfriend! You are rocking that hat, that suit and that attitude…. I was so empowered reading this, thank you for allowing others to see that it IS possible to completely turn your thoughts and heart around… Praise God for that! :)

Heather Lindquist said...

I know that was hard to do.......posting a pic, but you look fabulous. I'm feeling insecure with my ghostly whiteness at the moment, but hopefully if we continue on this 85 degree weather trend, I'll be getting a nice bit of color (not too tan, mind you, but not pasty, lol). I never realized how much having a baby changes your body so much (even a year after birth), but I'm trying my damnedest to love and appreciate my curves!

Heather Lindquist said...

Oh, and where'd you get your suit top? Super cute!

Cammy said...

You are gorgeous, Brie, and healthy is always, always more beautiful than the alternative.

Going through old writings and such can be a huge eye-opener for sure. So proud/in awe of all you've accomplished, you rock.

brie said...

THANK YOU for all of your comments. It's nice to have others think I'm still pretty and look good, even at a higher weight. Helps the confidence!!

Heather, I got my suit at Downeast. I think they're only in Utah, but you can check them out online. They have the best suits!

Laura said...

1. Absolutely no shame! You are stand-out beautiful! Seriously!!!

2. Definitely keep documenting. I have several years of my life totally undocumented b/c first I didn't want to document my thin (embarassing) weight and then I didn't want to document my heatlhy (I thought I was disgusting) weight. I, too, have decided... I'm not letting my life go undocumented. I'm not going to never appear in pictures. So... girl, I am with you... let's document and be proud!!!

Lindsay said...

You're gorgeous. :) Seriously.

bri said...

I don't know if my comment will show up let me know if it doesn't. I love u!

bri said...

Brie u are smokin hot that's all I have to say....did u get that suit at downeast I swear I saw it. Regardless u look absolutely stunning and I adore u!

po said...

Wish I looked like you in a suit :P

Frustrated Unemployed Actress said...

I am so proud of you. And you look amazing.

KC said...

You are RADIANT. you make me so hopeful!

KC said...

You are RADIANT. you make me so hopeful!

Stacy said...

you look great and I am glad you posted a healthy pic. And i know that in your head you know you are still thin but it doesn't meant aht you feel comfortable with the body you are in all the time. You are doing so great to post it. I just recently posted a post pregnancy pic to a moms group and got a lot of crap, I never said I wanted to lose more weight just that I looked like that now.
I think it is good to be at a point where you know your body is ok as is and while your feelings about it may go back and forth.. it is still ok. I like being there and I hope you are too.
But you look HOT, not just OK :-) love the floppy hat too.