Day #17 - Attitude Makeover

Attitude makeover...

When I was thinking about what kind of attitude makeover I could use, the first thing that popped into the good old cerebrum was that I need PATIENCE.

And lots of it.

I've NEVER been a patient person.  Ever.  When I want something, I want it now.  When I want to do something, I want to do it now.  Not tomorrow.  Not a week from now.  NOW.

In fact, the most recent thing that has tried my patience was over some stupid makeup.  I bought some makeup at the Lancome counter, and they asked me if I wanted to get a gift with purchase.  I thought, great!  More for my money!  Of course I want to do this.  But then, I was told that I couldn't pick up my gift with purchase OR the makeup I had just bought for over two weeks, because it wasn't until then that the gift with purchase promotion started.  So I thought, get the makeup now, awesome, but then I don't get all this free stuff.  It was agonizing to make this decision, but I finally did, and I decided to wait to get the free gift with purchase.  And it was the longest two weeks of my life.  I almost died.

I think this has affected my eating disorder recovery a little bit, because, oh you know, it's taken me a DECADE to recover.  With someone with little to no patience, this decade has been more like a century.  Because the whole I want it NOW thing has really, really had to wait.  A long time.

And, because I have no patience, I've blamed myself a lot that I couldn't just get better faster.  I've been told over and over by treatment professionals that recovery takes a stinkin long time and a lot of work and patience, but it still has really sucked.  I've gotten impatient and frustrated with myself.  Instead of letting it be, I just get upset with myself.  Start blaming.  And that's never a good headspace to be in.

I also recognize that I need to be more patient with others - in many areas, but I am talking specifically about having patience with others in relation to eating disorder recovery.  Because I am part of the ED blogging community, and because I've been in treatment a gajillion times, I have obviously met A LOT of people with ED's.  And I've met a lot of people who are not yet ready or willing to recover.

And, I'm going to admit it:  sometimes I get frustrated that people don't really try or don't really want to recover more quickly.  And yes, I understand that I am wrong to think this, and I understand that I need to have this whole patience thing, but I do get frustrated when I see people continuously wallow in their eating disorder misery, and don't do anything about it.  I think, If you're so miserable, then why don't you try to get out of it?!  I guess I just so badly want people to feel the utter joy and freedom that I feel, now that I am in recovery.

And yes, I know that there are many reasons, most pretty complex, as to why someone stays in their eating disorder even though they are damn near dead and utterly miserable.  And I get that.  But I am just admitting this on my blog, because we are talking about having an attitude makeover, and I am freely admitting some of my weaknesses.

And that is one of them.

But please don't think I am unempathic, because I'm not.  I care very deeply about all of you, and about your eating disorder recovery.  But sometimes I just have to keep my pesky impatience in check.  Because I care so much, I simply want you to have freedom and happiness, and as quickly as possible!  :)

So, patience.  I could really use an attitude makeover with this.  Anyone have some they want to share?  I could give you something in return...I could so an Irish jig for you, or a high kick, or I could warble the Star Spangled Banner for you.  Think about it.  It's cool.