Sunday, January 3, 2010

Keeping my Head Above Water

I’ll let you in on a little secret: even though I know good and well that Kendall is gone, I can still feel her moving. Every day, sometimes several times a day, I feel her kicking and squirming inside me. My therapist tells me that it is a normal part of grieving; to see or hear someone that you’ve lost, and that since feeling Kendall was the only way I ever got to physically interact with her, it makes sense that I can feel her, still. And I don’t understand how something that feels so tangible cannot be REAL.

So I feel her kicking. And for just the tiniest, most infinitesimal split second, I think that what I’m going through is all a nightmare, and that she’s alive, and still with me.


But then the reality of the situation sets in. The nightmare is real. And I am heavy, and drowning.

And then. And then I feel nothing.


And that is perhaps the worst feeling of all.

14 comments:

Eating Alone said...

Hug. I can't even imagine what your going through right now. But it will get better and you two will meet one day in another place. And I belive that she can feel your love.

inthemainstream said...

Oh, B, that sounds awful. I know you'll get through this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck in the here and now. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to write this out and let us support you, even if invisibly through the Internet. Love your way. -Amy

allegri said...

I'm so sorry love. I know how devastating her loss was to you. I can only imagine the emotional toll this is taking on you, but maybe, just maybe, instead of a nightmare, she is trying to give you hope. She is making you feel like really feel. She may be trying to get you to remember that their is life inside of you, though it may not be the life of a beautiful child, it is the life of a wonderful, strong, brave women - who has gone through hell + back again (on more than one occasion!), and that even when everything else feels like a failure, like going on is just too rough, like the road was set out long ago + failure is just another rock set infront of you. She is hear, reminding you, live the life that is inside of you, its bubbling, kicking + joyfully exclaiming that nothing has killed it off + nothing will. Embrace it. She is love, she is eternal, she is grace, she is peace.

Katannah said...

"And I don’t understand how something that feels so tangible cannot be REAL."

Cuz it is? It's a feeling. Feelings are real.

Whether it's a memory, or (if you choose to accept this) a moment from the great Beyond, it's a feeling, and it belongs to you, and thus is valid and has realness. Either way.

I could be full of shit, but it gets me through my own pain most days.

Brooke said...

You know I love you sis. Sorry you are in so much pain. I wish I could take some from you because I would.

Tylaine said...

*HUGS* I wish you were still in our ward so I could give you a real one. Much Love. You WILL get through this brialliantly.

Kels Anne said...

Hi! I haven't actually had a child or anything, but you talk about death... My mother passed away when I was just shy of turning 11 years old. To this day, I still want to call the house phone, or her cell phone when I am feeling down, or when I have something going on that I want to talk to someone about. It's so hard. That was almost 11 1/2 years ago. I feel that will never go away. Same as when my grannie passed away. She LOVED baking, and I have taken over, in a way..and I used to always call her for baking advice. Well, now when I have a question, she's not there...

Krista said...

So sorry for your pain. Our bodies certainly do have physical memories. I'm not sure why they do, but they are real and sometimes painful. Hang in there.

Hayley said...

This song is the only way I can express my sympathy. I speak feelings through music. It is a beautiful song about loss. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQwkbRVqqxU

Sorry, Brie. Grie f is such a journey, a process.

t. said...

i am so sorry, brie. i cannot even imagine what you are going through. i wish you peace.

Sheryl said...

Oh Brie... tears falling for you

tracy said...

i'm so very sorry, Brie, for all you are going through. i can't begin to imagine all your feelings, however, i know this was a very real tradgedy and horribly painful loss for you. Kendell will always be with you, in some way or another. Oh, sweetie, i so wish there were some way i could help you.
Hugs,
tracy

brie said...

thanks for the support, friends. sorry this post was so depressing. i have my good days, and my bad ones...yesterday was definitely a bad one, i guess.

♥ to you.

Jackie said...

Love you so much Brie and can only hope and pray that these feelings somehow lessen in severity as time goes on. I don't think they will ever go away but it hurts me to think of you hurting so much. I am here for you honey. xoxo