Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Scratchin’ Your Back

Okay, so, I’ve still been thinking about my You Scratch my Back, I’ll Scratch Yours post, and I realized that you all scratched mine, and I never scratched yours! So, yes, those of you who read my blog faithfully know an awful lot more about me than most people, but I thought I’d post some funny, quirky, and random things about me that I might not otherwise post – you all did it – so it’s only fairsies that I do it, too. Ya think?

So here are a few:

I once got beat up in a movie theater. I was ten and was seeing Apollo 13 with my grandparents and cousin and sister. I sat in front of a woman and she got pissed that someone took the seat in front of her, because she said she couldn’t see, so she started kicking and pounding on my chair, and then she punched me in the head. And it hurt. And my sister, who was only 14, bravely turned around, and said, “Don’t you ever touch my sister again!” (Which was funny because just before the movie we had been pulling each other’s hair out and scratching each other like wild monkeys.) …So then Crazy Lady was escorted out of the theater. I had a pounding headache afterward and couldn’t really concentrate on the movie. As soon as it was over, I didn’t want to leave the theater because I was scared she was out there, ready to make my ass grass, and my sweet grandma was like, “If you see her honey, just give her the finger!” (I look back on that and laugh.) Fortunately, she had already left the premises by the time the movie was over. I’m thinking Schizophrenia? The paranoid variety?

I started my period on my 14th birthday. Totes not the gift I was hoping for. I remember I debated for awhile on telling my mom, but finally decided to tell her, cuz why would I want to spend my babysitting money on pads? So I told her, and I swear on my life, she said the cliché term, “Welcome to womanhood!” And I was like gross groan moan boo double boo.

Once, during a runway show, I was in the back, changing into my second outfit, and my thong was on backward. (Oh, that’s why I feel all uncomfy down there!) And everyone saw my V. Mortification.

I’ve always wanted a white cell phone. They look so svelt. I always end up going for the pink or warm colored one in the end, though. And then I usually buy a white cover to put over it.

About 5ish years ago, I worked at a makeup counter. The lady next to mine, who worked at Chanel, was from Russia. She was staring at me intently, and I asked her what she was looking at, and she asked me, “Have you ever broken your nose?” And I was like NO, and then she said, “Huh. Okay.” And turned her back and walked away. My nose had been one of the ONLY things on my body I was not paranoid about, and then Russian Chanel had to go and ruin it all. I still look at my nose and wonder what flaw she was looking at…

My first therapist, poor thing, had no idea what she was getting into when she met with me. I was 17. I didn’t like her. She wore plaid dresses and moon boots, even in the summer. And she was so short she was giving me a complex because she like only came to my waist. Our Thang didn’t last long.

I always changed into my gym clothes for PE in a bathroom stall. I was too paranoid about my little boobies being seen, even in a sports bra. I did this from 7th grade all the way until my senior year, even when I was playing volleyball competitively. Now my boobies are big and I like them, but I’d pry still change in a stall anyway…although, after I got my fake boobies, I was at my sister’s house, and she was lending me a tank to wear cuz it was hot outside, and I said to her, jokingly, “Turn around, unless you want to see my boobs!” And she paused, and was like, “I kinda do.” (Seeing the new merchandise, you see.) So I laughed and she watched. I promise it wasn’t as weird as it sounds…suck. It really wasn’t!

And this is the last one I’ll leave you with, because I can’t believe I’m even saying anything, cuz it’s a little dirty no a lot dirty, and weird, and whatever:

So when I was in labor with C Man, they have a mirror above you so that if you want, you can watch the birthing process. Well, you’re not allowed to wear contacts while giving birth, and I wasn’t wearing my glasses, so I couldn't see real well…all I could see was my giant belly and my V…and C Man was low and in the birth canal, and something just didn’t look right, and I was on pain meds, so I didn’t entirely have my wits about me, and I kept saying, “I have pulsating balls! Why do I have pulsating balls? What ARE THOSE?” And then during the contractions, when I was pushing, I kept asking, “Is he coming out of my butt? What is this? Why is he coming out of my butt?!” Strangest, most uncomfy feeling ever. Not only did I think labor gave me balls, but also I was going to be the first woman to birth a child out of her bum bum. Just like Mary, who was the first and ONLY virgin to ever somehow get pregs, I was going to be the FIRST and ONLY to have a child from my anus. I was not very happy about this. Fortunately he found his way out of the right, like, opening.

So there you go. I hope your itch has been properly and duly scratched.
♥'s to you

31 comments:

Kendra said...

Haha! My back feels scratched now, even though I feel like I know a lot about you anyway! I hope that crazy lady feels bad about punching you in the head, although it makes for an awesome story!! I started my period on Easter, when I was 16 1/2, for reals! It sucked and I had been lying to my friends about already HAVING my period because I felt totally left out... but now I'd give it back for sure! :)
Kendra

Krista said...

Pulsating Balls??? I bet they had some nice things to say about you at the nurses station. That one had me roaring!!!

The only thing I remember about starting my period is that we bought a copy of the Lion King that day. Maybe it had something to do with the circle of life.

Christina said...

OMG I was laughing out LOUD about pulsating balls.

Teresa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Teresa said...

First, I LOVE the sister one. My sisters and I are the same way. poor brothers are scared to even go upstairs because someone is always topless.
Second, no matter how many times I hear the pulsating balls and backwards thong story they can still give me the giggles. :)

brie said...

omg SO GLAD you guys are not offended by my pulsating balls story, lol! you *know* that's something i'd do, cackle cackle!

Cammy said...

LMAO. Why can't you wear contacts in labor?

brie said...

Good question, C. I have NO IDEA. I know you can't wear them during surgery, too, so it must be something related to that...maybe Google knows why?

Kara said...

I LOVE this post! I concur with the others that the pulsating balls story is hilarious.

K21 said...

thanks for making me laugh today, your post lightened my day, I love not taking oneself too seriously. Have read your blog since I saw the link on a baby center community board. I appreciate that you are funny, real, and can find the time to produce such a blog while working and taking care of a little one and a husband. Im happy if I find time to paint my toenails. Keep up the realness, people appreciate it.

Alyssa said...

The whole no contacts during labor thing, is really freaking me out! My glasses arent the correct prescription and without contacts my eyes are useless. They could give me a different baby!!!! I would never know bc all i would be able to see our blobs of what i would think are people hustling around me! Yikes. I am going to call my eye dr. asap!

p.s. im not preggers nor do i plan on having kids anytime soon but i could be like those people on that show " i didnt know i was pregnant" so my luck!

bananas said...

Bahahahahahaha! Ahhh, I loves me some Brie!

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

Haha! I totally laughed out loud with these...espesh the last one! God, I can't believe some beeotch actually punched your head- good thing she was escorted out!
As for el therapista con plaid dresses and moon boots! Who'd she think she was, Kate Moss tryin to pull just about anything off. That sounds like a fashion faux pas on STEROIDS!
Lotsa love

kristin said...

That was an awesome laugh! You're a riot, Brie! :)

THE CREATION OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE said...

Wow! Mother nature certainly screwed you over by bringing you your Womanly Gift to you on your
14th birthday!

Too funny though... You should write more posts like this. It pretty much made me laugh my poor bum-bum off!

Samantha Kay said...

I started my period on my sixteenth birthday while teaching pre-school.
My little cousin was in my class and came up to tell me...
Thankfully no other kids noticed.
I called my sister first, to bring me clean pants and pads because I didn't want my mama to know. Unfortunately she couldn't come.
So I called my brother.
Who couldn't come.
Then I FINALLY called my mama.
Who couldn't come.
I ended up asking the social worker (government preschool for foster kids) for help.
THANKFULLY she had some pads for me AND a pair of clean pants that had been donated.

My first (and only) runway show...
afterwards I went to go change and had a short little number on...
I bent over my bag and was in just the right spot behind the stage that the audience could see my bum. Hopefully no one was looking.

Gym- I was NOT shy. Never have been. Not shy or self concious. So I was fine changing in front of everyone...except I didn't have boobs so I didn't wear a bra.
I was only in seventh grade! I got made fun of real bad...
So the next day when I wore a bra...
They made fun of me even more for wearing one when I didn't have boobs.

Keirelle said...

You can't wear contacts in labour (when in hospital anyway) because they like to make sure you are all ready to go for a c-section asap to cover their butts is necessary.

As for the boobie flash comment- I was cracking up because I can't even tell you how many post surgeries I have seen of other people. so needless to say, no I don't think it is weird that you did. In my family we are all overly blessed with them, so I have had 3 aunts and 2 cousins get theirs reduced and saw all the battle scars. I have also seen 3 friends and family post tummy tuck/breast lifts. Jealousy you see, my caden ruined me- like THE worst stretch marks known to man (doctors even say so, some are an inch wide!) and I am desperate for a tummy tuck. /sigh the day will come, I just hope it is when I young enough to still wear a bikini again and not look creepy!

allegri said...

PULSATING BALLS? omg... your stories made my crazy day seem like nothing.

Heather Lindquist said...

Woah. How did you know I needed a back-aching chuckle today? Here I am, sitting in my obgyn's office in this horrid, crackily, nearly see-through paper gown, fiddling around trying to distract myself from the bad news she's inevitably about to vomit upon me.....and there your post was.....I read it, laughed out loud, and wa-la!! I was calm. See, now I don't have to take anti-anxiety meds anymore....I just have to read your blogs!! Anyway, the news was bad, of course, I miscarried, but I already knew that. But I'm leaving her office with a bit of a smle on my face for not throwing myself on the floor in a hormonal attack of despair. And girl....I owe it to you....for making a terrifically horrible day into one I can actually manage to smile and giggle, even if it is through my tears. Thank you soooo much.

Katilexis said...

lmfao.
wow Brie, that was awesome.
I didn't comment on your scratchy post, so i'll tell you a bit about me.
I got bashed up too, but it was when i was 14. a group of friends and I snuck out of my friends house, drunk, and went to a park. one of my friends threw the empty bottle and these Maoris thought we threw it at them. we were talking to them, and next thing i know *BLACKOUT* i'm on the ground getting punched in the back. my friend was bleeding from the mouth and my other friend ran off, and i was SCREAMING for her.
looking back, it was sooooooo funny. haha.
little teeny bopper times :)
<3

brie said...

so so glad i could make you all laugh today - especially you, h - you needed it. thinking of you...

samantha kay, you had me roaring. you and your poor period story! me and my hubby were laughing hysterically!

♥ to you all

tania said...

lmfao! you crack me up, those stories are hilarious, firsts on therapist offices are quite a journey.

The first time I saw my phycatrist he said I looked like a boy, to prove him wrong I cried like a baby girl right after that, it didnt work well. I STILL dont love him.

And my first therapist and I didnt last long.. not even a second visit, her advice was to 'eat something', and I was 'fine looking'. she made me draw and fill out booooring forms..
she also asked: anorexia or bulimia?..
me: none >.< (!!!) -convinced myself-
(u're suppouse to tell me .. hmm right?)

anywaaay.. thanks for the laughs :p
<3

Devon said...

I seem to recall a situation...after you got your boobies bigger-ized that you showed me an awesome new power you had...the ability to control each one independently so it looked like they were each dancing.

It was quality for sure.

:D

Alexandra Rising said...

I giggled out loud! Twice!
I wish I could think of an interesting back-scratching story for you, but I got nothin'!

t. said...

these are awesome! (well, except for you getting hit in the head, that was not nice. but your grandma sounds really cool.) you should absolutely stroll down memory lane, like, a lot more.

oh, and even though your mom was totally super cheesy when you got your period, it was so much better than my period story. i was a few weeks away from my 15th birthday when i got it. (damn. i was hoping to avoid it until i was an official grown up.) by then, my mom was already sans uterus and she totally bitched me out like i totally did it to inconvenience her. she had to make a special trip to get me my ahem... feminine supplies. and then my little sister refused to speak to me for at least a day because she wanted to win the period race. i didn't know it was a competition. and i'd have let her win if i could have! so basically i was bleeding out of my vagina and people were mean to me. 'twas unfun, for realz, yo.

P to the S: sent you an invite to my blog. it's private because i have issues with strangers. my blog isn't nearly as rad as yours, but i figured, it was, as you say "fairsies." right?

Cammy said...

My google endeavor turned up just what someone pointed out above, the contact lens/c-section issue. Also, I would imagine that if you are in labor for a super long time, it's hard to take a break in the middle to peel them out of your eyeballs if they get dried out. Mine start to get uncomfortable after about 12-15 hours.

Courtney said...

I have been out of the loop lately but I was just reading through your last couple of posts and comments and my goodness! Thank you for some wonderful, much needed laughs. They say laughter is the best way to naturally increase serotonin and I tend to take life way too seriously so you've inspired me to start laughing a little more.

Also, I was thinking to myself (as I skimmed through your 82 comments) about a post you wrote a while back where you said your blog wouldn't ever be famous. Well, I hate to break it to ya, but it already IS. Fame is so relative and I'm sure it would be lots cooler if you could be making millions off your writing right now (because you're totally worth it). But I think the way you inspire people to open up, connect, and genuinely relate to each other is much more noble and meaningful than the shallow/superficial "famous" blogs out there. When they make a movie about you and your blog it will totally put Julie and Julia to shame.

kayla said...

I always changed in a stall too, still do at the gym and stuff.

And I know you get this a lot but your writting is so funny, you have a gift.

PS Happy new years!!

Amanda P said...

Two things:
One - Please tell me that was Grandma Dalton. Oh, I hope so.
Two - I got my period on my 12th birthday. At least you got two more period-free years. Happy Birthday. :)

brie said...

Cousin Amanda!

YES it was Grandma D - isn't that awesome to picture her doing that? ;)

Boo to Period Birthdays!!

Lou Lou said...

I am reading some other posts on your blog, so this comment is going on an oldie, 30 december,,, your scartching our back and writing about hillarious pulsating balls and giving birth out you butt! I have actually been thinking of you all day brie, I commented earlier, time has passed and I just wanted to drop by again. I know we are strangers, but I really really feel for you and your post today about kendall. I am so sorry brie, I can't imagine what you are going through. I just want to send you another comment, because your still in my thoughts.
take care