Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dear Kendall,

Today is Christmas Eve. I wish more than anything that you were here today; here inside me. The holidays are really hard without you here. I am sad and anxious and ANGRY without you here. It just doesn’t seem fair.

I am just so sorry, Kendall. That word: SORRY – it’s not enough, so inadequate for that I’ve done, and that I could not keep you safe and protected from harm as I should have, being your mother. I can only hope and pray that you know what is in my heart and soul – that is the Christmas gift I would like to give you – that you can see and know that your wounded and broken mommy loves you so much and never meant you any harm. I really, really hope that you know that. I pray that God will give you that understanding; that one small piece of knowledge about your mother.

So, Kendall, Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas from the bottom of our hearts, from your family that has yet to meet you.

Merry Christmas, Little Sis!

Merry Christmas, Sweet Daughter.

Merry Christmas, Baby Girl.


I miss you so much.

You are good. You are my daughter.
And I love you.

xoxo,
Mommy

13 comments:

brie said...

Shitzo. Writing this post made me cry. And I'm at work!

Brandon said...

Baby she knows what you said. Anyone who knows you even a little can see how tenderly you think of our little girl. And I know she loves you just as strong as you love her. She is having Christmas with Christ and wants you to enjoy yours too. I love you both!

THE CREATION OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE said...

Thinking of you on this day! I know that you will get through it. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and your family!

brie said...

Husband! You freaking made me cry with your comment. AGAIN. And YES I'm still at work. Yikes!

L, thanks for your well wishes. Merry Christmas to you, too.

Teresa said...

Ok now I am crying at work right along with you. That beautiful baby girl knows that there is nothing in this world her Mommy wouldn't do to protect her. She is so lucky to have you and will most definitely be with you and your adorable family this Christmas.

Courtney said...

I'm 101% sure that she knows more about your heart, goodness, and love for her than you can even imagine. You've got quite the little angel up there rooting for ya!

Devon said...

As your hubby so poignantly put it, she absolutely knows and wants you to celebrate what you have around you. There will be many Christmases to come to celebrate with yor sweet little girl. Until then, live like she'd want you to - in peace and contentment.

jCroft(y) said...

I don't comment often, and you don't know me, but I've been very touched by the notes you write little Kendall. I'm sure she knows exactly what you are trying to say, and I have no doubt that she loves you and is aware of her family's love for her, especially your love.

You have a beautiful family, Brie, and you're doing a wonderful job. Keep going! Merry Christmas!

Brooke said...

Love You!

Tiptoe said...

Beautiful post , Brie. I wrote something similar for my dear doggy that passed recently. I am sure that Kendall is above and watching out for you and your family with baby angel wings.

Penny said...

No proof of this, But i believe that somewhere in a pre-existant life we chose each other to be a family. So, she does know you and you knew her and you are all ready dear friends, you and Brandon and Cade also. Please know that only God or Jesus can protect us from all harm and I am not even sure they can keep us safe from the actions of others. Please don't blame yourself or consider yourself a "less-than" mother because you could not protect her. That is what life is about, learning that we cannot control very much but learning to find happiness and joy in what we have. I love you and wish you a very Happy Christmas!

brie said...

thanks for all your love and support. mom - especially love and gratitude to you, for your words. i know you mean every one of them.

xoxo to you all!

zubeldia said...

oh brie brie, just catching up.. hopelessly behind, as is the new usual, but I am sure she knows you love her, that she is missed, and grieved. You are such a good, good mummy. xx