Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Already Gone

Yesterday was a hard day. My need for Kendall sparked hot and fast and quick inside me, and before I knew it, the pain and mourning was more than I felt I could bear. The guilt I carry for her death, her absence; it’s everywhere, permeates every room and every thought I occupy.

Yet I act happy. I smile and say I'm okay! And doing just fine! Thanks for asking! And I put on makeup and nice clothes everyday and put my hair in hot rollers and look suave and put together and freaking fake it. Even today, I did this. Am I doing this to survive, to literally get through my days; my life, or am I doing this to hide, create yet another new mask that I am so good at placing myself behind while watching, hidden? I do not know the answer(s) to this question.

So I continue to do what I do: mourn Kendall in private, or with the few I trust, then smooth my hair and my clothes and tell myself sternly No more crying, Brie, and then step out of the bathroom, put on a smile, and perform.

I'm getting so tired of it. Yet there is no other choice, no other way. Life goes on. And so I must.

This morning as I was driving to work, Kendall sang me this song. At least, I’d like to think she would say this to me if she could.

Dear Mommy,

Already Gone lyrics*
As sung by Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

…You know that I love you so; I love you enough to let you go

Love,
Kendall

*Song shortened by yours truly to avoid repetitive verses

...Maybe Kendall is trying to tell me that "someone's gotta go," and it was her, and not me, and I need to stick around and get through this for Brandon and for Cade and for me. Yes, for me, too.

She's already gone. But I am here. Yes. I am here.
Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

15 comments:

McIntyre Family said...

Brie,

I've sat here and thought of things I could say but I know nothing I say could ease the ache in your heart. I just know you are strong and amazing and have a fabulous family and you will get through this.
*HUGS*

Love, Tylaine

brie said...

Thanks, T, for your words. I need to believe I'll get through this. I will. It's just so damn hard.

Gah. :(

xo

Marissa said...

How do you write down the overwhelming and conflicting emotions that I feel when I read this post (and all your other posts about Kendall)? I wish I could explain the expression that twists on my face--a combination grief ache pride--when I think about my little cousin who is gone and how torn up you must feel and yet how incredible it is to me that you can say that it hurts so bad but life isn't going to pause so you can grieve so you just have to go. One day at a time. Even without the promise that the next day will be better, because maybe it won't be.

But. One day, a long, long time from now, it will be better. I don't have any kind of experience to tell you this for sure, but I believe that it won't hurt so bad some day. And I know you must get tired of that--of hearing about how "someday" it's going to be okay, you'll feel better, you'll BE better. But y'know, it's true.

This post reminded me of how, when I was reading the post about how you posted that you wrote letters to Kendall, it reminded me of a song that I recently heard. I don't know if it's even popular in the U.S. right now, but if I could, I'd send you the song "Love Letter," by Leona Lewis. If you can, listen to it. Every time I hear it, I think of you and Kendall.

Anyways, I'm really excited to see you and talk to you when I get home. It's going to be fantastic, and yes, we definitely have to talk. The serious kinds of talkage.

I love you, and i can't wait to see you!

Stacy said...

Seems to me you have a very wise baby girl, whose spirit is doing her best to comfort her wonderful mommy.

I hope she has helped you find a tiny morsel of peace today.

xoxo

brie said...

Marissa, my beautiful niece and best friend...

Thanks for your words. Just as you said I could say what you cannot, you were able to help put into words feelings that I am not able to express, either.

You freaking complete me. America has totally sucked without you here!

(3 more days and counting

Brandon said...

Sweet heart,
There is a lot to say to you baby girl, but not here. Finish your work and come home to me, and I will be here.

wildfaeres77 said...

It is ok to mourn your baby girl. She was here - a real person - and now she isn't. Grief never really goes away; it only gets easier with time. I hope you allow yourself that time to heal...

Much love...

Krystle said...

*HUGS* I wish I could hug you in person, or at least tell you it will all be okay. Someday, hopefully sooner, it will be. And you are strong. Even when you mourn, especially that you deal, despite your pain. Kendall has proven to be a wonderful and pure inspiration, even having lived so short a life. Hang in there, Brie. You are amazing. <3

Tiptoe said...

Brie, I haven't been on the blogosphere much in the last few months, only sporadically, so I just read your posts about losing Kendall.

I am so so sorry. It is difficult to lose something that was a part of you. I hope time heals your pain and that you are able to grieve. You are a strong person and can get through this. I think Kendall thought so too.

Krista said...

Brie,
I think, maybe in part, though not exactly, that I feel some similar pain as you. I hope you can continue to express your grief and continue to morn Kendal and most importantly continue to live. I appreciate your posts more than you know about losing your baby girl. It brings me a sense of comfort and understanding and a way to express in words the feelings of my own loss. Keep hanging on.
Love,
Krista

Katannah said...

With grief... you fake it. You know what I mean, you posted it. And one day it stops being fake.

When I was a lot more spiritual, and grieving a loss of my own, someone told me to think of my baby as a being who chose its entry and exit to and from this world to help me through a lesson I needed to learn. It helped and comforted me then. I hope it does the same for you - and at least no harm.

Keep writing. <3

Laur said...

wow talk about a song that fits...songs always comfort me when I realize that the lyrics were practically written for me.
what about kneaders next week? Kneaders sounds kinda Christmasy if you ask me.

Jennifer said...

After loosing my son my pain wasn't eased until I accepted the fact that he was needed by his Father in Heaven more than he was needed by me. And then when I saw that was a blessing (yeah I just said blessing)I was able to get through the days without faking it. It is hard to see this loss as a blessing right now-and that is ok. Mourning means we loved and be capable of love is something wonderful. You little girl is doing work we cannot even comprehend. She knows how much you miss her, but she also knows how important her work is.
Something that made me feel better after a rough day was saying my prayers. I know that sounds so easy, but it wasn't. Almost 5 years later and I still ask Heavenly Father to take care of my baby til I can get there.
Just remember you are loved and you can make it.

Sheryl said...

Brie -
Once again, your post is inspiring to me, even when you are going through hell. WOW girl. I'm so sorry and hope you can realize that yes, Kendall loved you that much. It's so touching. You have a real angel up in heaven.

sona said...

Hi Brie

i dont really know how much you feel you are preforming/hiding, and how much you are allowing yourself to mourn, it sounds like you are doing your best and keeping a balance, allowing yourself to feel sad when it is safe to do so and getting on with the daily things that need to be done.

It may feel like right now they are a mask, in my opinion, these daily things are the most important in the world. Because these are the things that have to be done these are the things that get you through.

you should be SO SO SO proud of yourself for your ability to get on with these things.

I have also lost someone close to me, I was quite young and didnt quite have that ability to set things apart, now I allow myself to mourn, now I must get on with my day. I let alot of things go that I really wish I hadn't, whats more I couldn't talk about it much with those that were close to me because I was mourning a death that had happened a long time ago, and in my insecurity I felt it was way too wierd to share with others.

Anyhow, thats besides the point, Im glad you feel Kendall with you. She is probably there with you more than you think.

Its so important that you do those things that feel tedious or irrelevant right now for you. Remember you do these things to get through.

If its any help when I find it difficult to get through the daily tasks I try say e.g Im brushing my teeth now because I love myself, Im listening to music now because I love my life, or you could try Im taking care of myself because I love Kendall...I don't know if any of that will help but I know sometimes it helps me be more positive.

and really Brie you deserve to be SO SO SO proud of yourself, even for still keeping in touch and writing your blog.

Keep on going girl youre an inspiration to us all

XXX