Don’t take your benzos and then surf Facebook for an hour or so. You will regret it the next day when you see you messaged your old therapist. (Hi. Is this [insert therapist's name]? This is Brie Breivik. Hi I don't want to say more in case this isn't the right one. Hi. I like your picture. I had a stillbirth a month ago. Bye.) Because when you log onto Facebook the next morning and see what you've done, you will scream. Like you are dying. Because you wish you were dead; wish you were dying of maybe weirdness at your OWN FREAKING WEIRDNESS. (Freak freak I'm a freak!) Oh and then I decide to blame Whit who was awake with me and knew I didn't, like, entirely have my WITS ABOUT ME, and let me peruse FB anyway. What kind of BFF does that?! (One that has a sense of humor, apparently. Cuz if our sitches had totally been reversed I'd have let her do it too, then laugh and laugh and then dance in her tears.)
When I walk into the bathroom at work, I slink all low and bend my legs and like awkwardly penguin walk past the other stalls into a stall at the far end in case someone else is in another stall, cuz I'm so effing tall they'd see my head bobbing along past their stall. (This happened once and they actually SAID HI TO ME WHILE THEY WERE PEEING.) And who wants to know who is next to you changing their tampon or tinkling or whatever? Sick.
This morning I got my ear cartilage (re)pierced. I did it because a) it’s cute but MOSTLY because b) I wanted to feel some pain that didn’t count as me, like, hurting myself. The chick used the ear gun and pulled the trigger and it DIDN’T EVEN HURT. I was like, “That’s it? What a waste of 20 bucks.” (The left ear is the one that means I'm not gay, right? Right? Guys?)‘Dis bitch gained a leeettle weight. “This is one small step for my thighs; one giant leap for my well-being.”
Or something.
And finally, I leave you with a couple pics.
This one is for Betsy.
and
It’s a long story.
Whit and I are totally hetero; the gropage was totally innocent. (And fun!)
This pic was snapped last night of my man-child. Does he look like a product of poor parenting skills because
a.) He is not in a car seat. (Be cool it was only around the block, in Whit’s Brave Little Toaster, within the neighborhood – Husband had my car and thus his booster seat)
b.) Mommy cheated and put him to bed the easy way, letting the car lull him to sleep, rather than having to scissor-lock (yeah, I know my wrestling moves) him in his toddler bed until he finally gives up and closes his eyes – and really, we’re pretty evenly matched once the fight(s) begin (and we might even be in the same weight category, if this were a legit wrestling tournament, haHA ;). Mom does not always win these matches. It be rough.
c.) Where his head and breathing pathway was, I know not. Or
d.) I was laughing my ass off when I saw him.
You will not be graded on your answer(s) to this quiz. Breezy just wants to get a feel for what you think. ;)
SQUIRREL!
*You’re totally lame if you don’t know where this comes from…
18 comments:
Of course I know what that is from... UP! My Caden is obsessed with trying to 'trick' people into looking other places when he says that, lol. Oh and your Caden actually kinda looks more like a pile of laundry in that pic than a kid! =)
Damn straight I let you play around on facebook when you were high on your benzo's...it was freaking hilarious. You kept asking me who random people were and stalking people and wanting me to tell you if it looked like it might in fact be the person you were looking for. Your ridiculous cackle at everything you looked at pretty much made my night.
Why oh why did you post that nasty a** picture of us on your blog. The whole world reads it and is going to see that I look slightly retarded. I think it's fair that you post a decent picture of us soon so that people don't think that I'm white trash! Definitely an absolutely adorable pic of Cade though!
We seriously have a date for sometime this weekend to go and get my tattoo touched up. I need someone to take pictures as I swear and throw things.
Love you lots!
Whit, you're such a bitch - I love it!
If you want to see a cute pic of us, go to Tawny's blog and look at the cousin cmas party post. We're so adorable; it's a real winner!
Oh I was just going to say that to WHIT:
go looksie at the adorable pic of you two bow cute hair girlies!!
sooooooooooo cute.
Brie I understand about OCD's. Yo.
I think all us Brown girls do in some form or another.
Hope lil C feels better! xo
Oh and Whit I'll also just say that you deserve to look retarded since you let me look retarded last night. So there!
this was all highly entertaining.
thanks for the uplifting stuff, mucho needed over here.
xo
Hey Brie-- You talked to me last night, too. Incidentally, I initiated that conversation. Don't worry, you didnt say anything weird!
Just thought I'd make you aware of another person you spoke to via fb :P
ALEX NO I DID NOT TALK TO YOU!
...Did I really?
Huh.
Haha, yes you did. You told me about your blog about your cat and apologized that you had just taken Xanax and said you were a "bit loopy". It wasnt that obvious to me that you were "loopy", you just seemed very...friendly!
That's awesome! I used to Ambien call or facebook people! I don't know if the ingredients changed in Ambien or if my body eventually adjusted to it, but it doesn't work like that on me anymore. Seriously, I used to see imaginary rice bags falling from the sky and people in the room that no one else could see. Try to explain that one to your hubby when you freak out in the middle of... well, freakin ;) cuz you see faces coming out of the wall at you!!! yes i did!!! scared the shiz outta him! haha! still cracks me up!
i've been known to post online after taking ambien. woo, those were some trippy posts. haha not as trippy as hallucinating that my husband was a lion like that one time, but still pretty funny.
UP! Love it!
lol oh man i love this one. Your writing seems perfectly paced to my a.d.d. brain, hee hee.
Freakin' BENADRYL makes me loopy. Seriously, if
I ever take an antihistamine, I am checkin' my sent messages the next morning...like crazy!
:)
Love the earring - I got mine done a couple months ago... I have mine done on the right though lol
OMG Alex I can't believe we talked and I really don't remember - I swear I have no recollection!
These ambien stories are making me giggle. Perhaps I shall write a post about stories for when I was on a xanax high and don't remember much, then make commenters tell me their stories - they're totally making me cackle. :)
Yo Brie.
Loooongtime reader, fellow ED recoverer, first time commenter. Had to, reading this post, because I have a drugged-out internet shame of my own to give you.
Summer of 2008 I was in Berlin, and trying to cleverly use my Ambien prescription to avoid crazy jetlag. I would take it at a time when normal people in Berlin went to sleep, then write lengthy emails to my friends.
I got one forwarded back to me the next day, with my friend asking if I could translate the last few lines for her.
Copy-pasted:
"And I bought a pastry called a snail on the way home. It was full of poppyseeds. And I still can't write anyone letters. I literally don't even have a pen.
Wow that ambien just hit me, m =y figrs look ike bkhessagesabk;'And I really hhtibjut;s ''
globbbrt yo brfikWTF aoebe w ''fi y''
fo yvytoby ,m"
The only thing I remember about writing that was that my fingers looked like huge sausages (which is what I was trying to tell her), and when I proofread the email, it read a-ok to me.
My favorite is the "WTF" stuck in there. And also what is obviously something about the wi-fi.
TOBY!
So happy you commented because I'm literally laughing so hard at your comment, I'm, like, sobbing.
I love you and I don't even know you. Ahem.
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