Monday, December 14, 2009

Make a Life

Last night I watched the film, Julie & Julia. I didn't absolutely adore it, but I didn't loathe it, either. It gave me no love for cooking, and all the food and repetitive repetitive repetitive cooking and chomping away certainly didn't cure my anorexia (especially the "boning the duck" scene) oh and (you have NO IDEA how many jokes Husband could come up regarding the phrase "boning the duck" I was amazed at his skills but also totally eewyed out) as well as the sad little lobster murders.

BUT.

It renewed my L O V E for this blog. (And let's be honest, it left me a little jealous too, because she had a famous, amazing blog and gazillion times a billion times all of my readers combined.) My blog is not famous, nor will it ever be. Showtime will never make my blog into a mini-series. I doubt I will ever make money on this blog. But to me, it's amazing. To me, Blogxygen loves me as much as I love it, almost as if it is a dear friend, a confidant. (Yes, you can laugh at me now, I'm cool 'wid it.) Regardless, it has saved me. It has given me my quirky writing style. It has given me confidence to finish the novel I have been writing for two years. I've known since as long as I could read and write that I would be a writer. I may not have published anything yet, but nearly every day, I put these words out there for the world to see. I make myself vulnerable, I make myself real. I am not published, but my words are being read. I AM A WRITER. And I love Blogxygen for that.

Julie & Julia reminded me that people read my blog, even if I've never met you, and even if you've never commented. And by you, my fun little friends, reading this, you are connected to me, and I, to you. Many of you probably never comment, but you know this quirky, sometimes desperately sad, funny, working-through-the-shit-in-life chick. And I pray every night that I am making a small difference in this world, and especially in your worlds. Because you certainly have changed mine.

On Saturday I was making a to-do list; with Christmas around the corner (Where did the time go?! Fetch, man.) I've had so much to do. So I was quickly scribbling all the things that needed to get done before 1 pm, and my mom said, "Oh Brie, don't forget to put getting a lunch on your list." (A sigh, grumpily.) It was the last item on my list - sadly, the farthest from my mind. But I obediently jotted it. And this, somehow, is what I wrote - as I was distracted by the convo Whit and my mom were having:

I wrote, make a life. Talk about a Freudian slip, eh? (make a lunch, make a life...) How many times have I heard the phrase, from countless therapists and dieticians and friends and family, that FOOD=LIFE? I've heard it. A lot. But it is true, as much as it sucks. So, that's what I'm going to do. Make a life. A real one. One that does not involve starving myself and wasting away so I take up as little space as possible. I'm going to make a valiant effort to not look like this anymore (like, people say I'm just a teensy too skinny)

(although seriously check out my belt it was like $125 and is pretty damn saaaa-weet.)

and focus on my amazinglicious, wiser-than-his-years husband

and my perfect son

...and learn to mourn Kendall in a way that does not slowly kill me.

In short, (HA! This post is annnnything but short :) I'm going to make it. Make a life.

With your help, and with the help of Husband and Cade and Kendall and my family and my friends. I'll do it. Oh, and with the ayudame of the therapist. I NEED the therapist, haha.

So, as some chick at CFC used to say, I'm going to use God and my Skills. Cracks me up every time, but hey, it's true.

So help me. I need and want your comments; love; support. This Girl's blog you read is a pretty closed off person. I can be somewhat open because largely I feel anonymous in this forum. But I am real. I am Brie. And I am hurting and I am finally, after years and years of this, admitting it. Admitting I have a problem. Getting out of denial. Admitting I need help, that I can't do it all on my own. This Girl, wow. This Girl has made The Realization: she can make it.

So thanks for reading this. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for supporting me.

Now go MAKE A LIFE of your own.
And I can't wait to read about it.

40 comments:

Telstaar said...

Yay yay yay! This life is hard, but you CAN do it! You ARE doing it. I believe in you and your life and I look forward to seeing you live and grow .... with the heartaches and the falls, I will be here to help you up and clean you up and steady you as you walk again.

Never giving up, never leaving.

Love ALWAYS
Telly xoxox

Krystle said...

I love this post. You are amazing, and I am rooting for you! xoxoxo

Sarah said...

Good for you!!!! This is awesome! And your belt is too.

she said...

You can do it. I know how hard it can be going through so much pain, but I think you will make it out just fine.

she said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
now.is.now said...

HUGE HUGE SMILES!

I have no doubt that you sill do the incredibly hard work to recover, Brie.

You don't know me [um, my name is Laura. I live in CA. I love trampolines. 24, will be 25 in a few months. There. Now we know each other :) ].... but even though you don't know, I want you to know you I believe in you.

This is such hard work, but you are ready and able to do it.

Melanie said...

You know, last night I was reading a friend's blog and she posed the question, "Who am I?" You know, outside of cook, taxi driver, houskeeper, etc... The list really goes on.

I tried to define who I was after reading that post. I couldn't really do it.

I feel that reading your blog and especially this post I feel a little more of who you are. Your determination being at the forefront of my mind right now. It's really incredible.

brie said...

you are amazing. ALL OF YOU.

i am happy, today. for the first time in a long time. and it's largely because of you, your love, your comments.

way to be kick-ass friends and people. i am truly blessed to be able to know and associate with you all.

alriggells said...

I believe. I have always believed. You Brie Breivik...( ;)...) are amazing and have so much beauty from inside to out. I just want you to know you do not have to do it alone, NEVER will have to do it alone. I know you have a family that cares and loves you so much and you have friends that love you so much. I want you to always remember this blog posting. Maybe print it off and keep it somewhere safe so when you are having a moment where it is hard to remember wanting to MAKE A LIFE. Keep on keepin on. BELIEVE IN YOU. Last night at work a musical group came in and put on a presentation about believing in yourself, using your friends and family to help you out and I was thinking of you through it. Thinking about your last blog post and just thinking I BELIEVE IN YOU. Please BELIEVE IN YOURSELF...I love you girl and am here, going to be here to the best of my abilities, I am not leaving....

Penny said...

Oh Brie! WOW WOW and smiles just keep coming to my face. I am grinning as I write this. It feels good. It feels great to smile again when I think of you. I have no doubt at all that you will finish your book, and finish your lunch and make a lovely life.

Stephanie said...

It is amazing that you are coming to a place where you realize what your readers have for so long... that you are worth it and have full ability to take your life back and truly live. Keep going, keep crying through the hard stuff, and keep being a writer. You are right; there are way more readers than commenters (if thats a word)... which shows just how many people have faith in you.. We all are rooting for you and here to remind you daily.

Courtney said...

This is so powerful. Hold on to these words like your life depends on it (because in many ways it does!). Because it's truth like this that has the power to destroy the lies that always fight back. Don't be discouraged when they do--ED is probably feeling pretty threatened right now and will probably fight back harder than before. But pretty soon he'll realize he doesn't stand a chance against you and you'll begin to see the power and confidence you feel now is only the tip of the iceberg!

Brandon said...

Sweet Wife-O-Mine,

I truly only have one real accomplishment in this life that I am puffed up about; that I can parade to the world with a look on my face that says, "I am way better than you!!!" Of course, that accomplishment is you! As you make a life you make mine too. I love you sweet Brie-sting. Thanks for wives, God. Amen.

Melissa said...

You really are quite amazing. There are blogs you click on and click right off... but you have meaningful things to say. And require a pause and a thought. Congratulations on making this step forward. You are awesome. And I know you can make it too.

t. said...

you are going to make it, brie! you're a tough cookie. i am so glad that you are realizing this.

and your blog is awesome. probably even awesomer than that sweet belt. ;)

Angeline said...

Did you ever see Kill Bill??? In my eye's you are just like her...One Kick Ass tough chick who totally has ninja fighting skills and can take down anything that stop's her from reaching her goals. You never stop, you never give up, you are always working hard, and plain and simple you are a fighter who will always end each scene in life winning.

Shawnee said...

Brie- I've been checking and reading your blog daily for a couple of years, but for some reason I've always been a little scared to comment. But I really feel like you're a close friend of mine, even though we've never met.

I'm friends with Alana, that's how I found you, and I think about you all the time. You go through so much and you're still trucking along and it really is such an inspiration to me.

So thanks for making me laugh, making me cry, and making me grateful to be alive. I think you're the best :)

Love, Shawnee

Alexandra Rising said...

The secret intrigued-by-Freud grad student in me LOVES THIS. The person in me loves it, too.
I hope you can start to incorporate some more edible items in to your life because not only will it help you physically, it'll help you mentally [you'll be happier, more clear-minded, and if it is possible...even wittier! But then you may kill us with cleverness...but that's ok, for your health, this reader will make that sacrifice].

Um, I'm going to get some hot chocolate before class today. So. That's one ~positive~ in my life. Mm, hot chocolate :D

Jenny Bay said...

Brie, I loved this post. You are wonderful!

heather said...

Brie we've never met in real life, but I feel I know you through this blog. Though the relationship is a little one sided (ie, you don't know me) I'm rooting for you and find myself wondering how you are doing from time to time. You were put on this Earth for a reason, you deserve to be here, and you deserve happiness just like everyone else! If you're ever feeling sad or lonely just remember that there's a girl in PA who will gladly be your cheerleader.

Lisa said...

Beautiful post Brie....I couldn't have said it better :) You are an amazingly strong woman and I just know you will 'make' a fantastic life!

Lisa, Danny, and Blake said...

So I love your blog. Since I started reading it all I can think is what a cool book you could make with it. You have such an inspirational story and have brought be hope on more than one occasion. Not to mention you are an amazing writer. I love ya and know you can get through this!

Gena said...

I love you and I love your blog. I love that you are Making a Life. I love that you are an inspiration not only to my daughter, but to me. I love that you love your little family. I love that your husband loves you so much! I love that you put yourself out there, even when it isn't comfortable for you. And I love your writing. I could go on and on, but I have to feed some people!

You just keep on making your wonderful, beautiful, NORMAL life. You keep fighting. Keep loving. Keep being. You are amazing.

I am sending you HUGE hugs from the South.

~Gena

Shannon said...

GO BRIE GO! You are beautiful. You have a beautiful family. You are hilarious. You are a great writer. And most importantly you are a daughter of God.

I'm so glad to hear that you are making such great strides. You've been through a whole lot of crap, but the key is to not use it all as an excuse. Because you can choose life and you are doing it! Love you!

PS-Davin has those polar bear jammies too and they are the cutest!

rachel ramsay said...

hey... i know this brie! and i'm a huge fan. we need to plan some hangout time when i come. it will be sweet.

Lindsay said...

Hey Brie. :) I met you at Gma Sudweeks' Halloween party this year, and I think last year sometime. (I'm Lindsay... your husband's cousin Bryan's girlfriend/not-girl-friend-because-he's-on-a-mission.) Anyway, I think Lisa or Tiffany showed me your blog a while back and I've been reading it. I love reading it because I think you talk about a lot of the things that a lot of people struggle with. It's nice to see a real person talking about real stuff. There are enough blogs with nine hundred FHE lessons on it, and things like that, so I love reading a blog about a real, HUMAN person. :) I figured I'd comment for once so I'm not some creepy stalker or something. *laughs*

licketysplit said...

You are making a difference in so many people's lives with your brave words and actions. It's true. I'm so glad you had this realization and I have no doubt that you are making your life and inspiring others to do so in the process (one of them being me).

Steph said...

We never really got a chance to talk- I stumbled upon your blog through the BBC April boards, and have been faithfully reading it since then! Just wanted to say "You go, girl!" You make me proud to be a woman :)

Steph

Laurel said...

I come here daily looking forward to your posts. More power to you! You go girl!

Laur said...

you rock girly. What about kneaders????????? I would love to see you...text me baby!

Krista said...

Brie, you are one amazing woman! Look at how many people you are inspiring with your writing. It really is amazing the talent that you have. I know you can get through anything that life hands you.

allegri said...

Brie, I adore reading your blog, your writing is a-maze-ing! Daily it gives me my dose of humor & reminder that going (well, having to go) inpatient is b.a.d. and the very last thing that I want. blarg. and oh yeah. recovery is hard, ubersuck, but together we all can do it.

Oh, and by the the looks of it - bloxygen- us famous, look at how many people whom have never met you,(or are even blessed to know someone that knows you {its the rockstar L.H.}] from around the states, & globe even that come here to read, encourage, and gain support. You are so amazing Brie, I feel blessed to read your blog because it really really helps me tons - my favorite time to read this is when I am drinkin' me boost! haha..

God bless you Brie. I am definitely planning on seeing Julie & Julia soon - hopefully I will get as much out of it as you did!

Devon said...

I am crying. I am so relieved. I am beyond confident in your strength, love, joy, and determination.

I'll be here, for whatever you need: Kneaders, a baby-sitter so that you can go on a date night, someone to complain to, etc.

You are, and will forever be, my hero. The end.

brie said...

thanks to you all, again, for your love and support.

xo to you all.

McIntyre Family said...

Brie you are beautiful. You have a beautiful husband. You have a beautiful son. Kendall is beautiful. You have a beautiful life and I have no doubt you will continue to MAKE a beautiful life. Merry Christmas and God Bless!
(on a corny side note we watched it's a wonderful life last night....I love love LOVE that show! Yay Go George Bailey!
{Go Brie B--})

wildfaeres77 said...

Just wanted to tell you that I have been following you since babycenter.com - you are a very strong person, and I wish you all the best.

Katannah said...

Funny stuff happens when my Freudian slips show. In your case, you make magic. Keep on keepin' on, lady. We're here and we're proud.

zubeldia said...

i'm so late, baby, but always you're on my mind (I"m just hopelessly behind with blogs). You know who sends a big sloppy kiss, and suggests that I send you send some gold-top milk as he's doing very well putting on weight with it... read: he is a very chunky monkey).

we both love you

Savannah said...

I love you brie and I know you can do it :) As is apparent...we all believe that you can do it and whenever you need...we all are here for you. Love you!

Cammy said...

So I am way past the point of being fashionably late to this post, but I'm catching up on everything now that I'm home and couldn't help commenting. I really enjoy reading your blog, and am so glad that I have been lucky enough to "meet" you, even if only via the web (although I might be in SLC for an event in about a year, we should keep in touch about that!). You are one amazing lady. You're an incredible writer, and both your posts and your comments on my blog have been a great source of support and insights for my own recovery. If you ever need anything, you know I'm just a few clicks away, Brie = one in a million billion jillion (that is the official scientific unit of awesomeness).