Scratchin’ Your Back

Okay, so, I’ve still been thinking about my You Scratch my Back, I’ll Scratch Yours post, and I realized that you all scratched mine, and I never scratched yours! So, yes, those of you who read my blog faithfully know an awful lot more about me than most people, but I thought I’d post some funny, quirky, and random things about me that I might not otherwise post – you all did it – so it’s only fairsies that I do it, too. Ya think?

So here are a few:

I once got beat up in a movie theater. I was ten and was seeing Apollo 13 with my grandparents and cousin and sister. I sat in front of a woman and she got pissed that someone took the seat in front of her, because she said she couldn’t see, so she started kicking and pounding on my chair, and then she punched me in the head. And it hurt. And my sister, who was only 14, bravely turned around, and said, “Don’t you ever touch my sister again!” (Which was funny because just before the movie we had been pulling each other’s hair out and scratching each other like wild monkeys.) …So then Crazy Lady was escorted out of the theater. I had a pounding headache afterward and couldn’t really concentrate on the movie. As soon as it was over, I didn’t want to leave the theater because I was scared she was out there, ready to make my ass grass, and my sweet grandma was like, “If you see her honey, just give her the finger!” (I look back on that and laugh.) Fortunately, she had already left the premises by the time the movie was over. I’m thinking Schizophrenia? The paranoid variety?

I started my period on my 14th birthday. Totes not the gift I was hoping for. I remember I debated for awhile on telling my mom, but finally decided to tell her, cuz why would I want to spend my babysitting money on pads? So I told her, and I swear on my life, she said the cliché term, “Welcome to womanhood!” And I was like gross groan moan boo double boo.

Once, during a runway show, I was in the back, changing into my second outfit, and my thong was on backward. (Oh, that’s why I feel all uncomfy down there!) And everyone saw my V. Mortification.

I’ve always wanted a white cell phone. They look so svelt. I always end up going for the pink or warm colored one in the end, though. And then I usually buy a white cover to put over it.

About 5ish years ago, I worked at a makeup counter. The lady next to mine, who worked at Chanel, was from Russia. She was staring at me intently, and I asked her what she was looking at, and she asked me, “Have you ever broken your nose?” And I was like NO, and then she said, “Huh. Okay.” And turned her back and walked away. My nose had been one of the ONLY things on my body I was not paranoid about, and then Russian Chanel had to go and ruin it all. I still look at my nose and wonder what flaw she was looking at…

My first therapist, poor thing, had no idea what she was getting into when she met with me. I was 17. I didn’t like her. She wore plaid dresses and moon boots, even in the summer. And she was so short she was giving me a complex because she like only came to my waist. Our Thang didn’t last long.

I always changed into my gym clothes for PE in a bathroom stall. I was too paranoid about my little boobies being seen, even in a sports bra. I did this from 7th grade all the way until my senior year, even when I was playing volleyball competitively. Now my boobies are big and I like them, but I’d pry still change in a stall anyway…although, after I got my fake boobies, I was at my sister’s house, and she was lending me a tank to wear cuz it was hot outside, and I said to her, jokingly, “Turn around, unless you want to see my boobs!” And she paused, and was like, “I kinda do.” (Seeing the new merchandise, you see.) So I laughed and she watched. I promise it wasn’t as weird as it sounds…suck. It really wasn’t!

And this is the last one I’ll leave you with, because I can’t believe I’m even saying anything, cuz it’s a little dirty no a lot dirty, and weird, and whatever:

So when I was in labor with C Man, they have a mirror above you so that if you want, you can watch the birthing process. Well, you’re not allowed to wear contacts while giving birth, and I wasn’t wearing my glasses, so I couldn't see real well…all I could see was my giant belly and my V…and C Man was low and in the birth canal, and something just didn’t look right, and I was on pain meds, so I didn’t entirely have my wits about me, and I kept saying, “I have pulsating balls! Why do I have pulsating balls? What ARE THOSE?” And then during the contractions, when I was pushing, I kept asking, “Is he coming out of my butt? What is this? Why is he coming out of my butt?!” Strangest, most uncomfy feeling ever. Not only did I think labor gave me balls, but also I was going to be the first woman to birth a child out of her bum bum. Just like Mary, who was the first and ONLY virgin to ever somehow get pregs, I was going to be the FIRST and ONLY to have a child from my anus. I was not very happy about this. Fortunately he found his way out of the right, like, opening.

So there you go. I hope your itch has been properly and duly scratched.
♥'s to you