Thursday, January 14, 2010

Time to Move On

Everyone, I have good news. Startling news. News that I wasn’t sure would ever come out of me; news that I hoped I would feel and know, but have as of yet to ever feel this way. And…even though this broad is good with words, I’m not sure I can adequately explain just what I’m feeling. So be patient with me while I mull around, trying to figure this out.

I have had anorexia for just about ten years. I would say a good 5 ½ of those years were spent with me messing around, and literally having ZERO desire to recover, to restore my weight. I went to therapy and to dietary and inpatient then again and again and again, had several feeding tubes, blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity, because I had to, but I secretly knew I’d never gain weight; never really follow through with my treatment team’s recommendations, because there was nothing more that I valued more than being skinny. You catch that world – VALUE? Values are important. They are the cat’s meow, they are The Shit. Values shape our lives and our personalities and the courses we take in life and influence every decision we make. I literally VALUED my pant size over my family. I VALUED losing weight over keeping my job. I VALUED being emaciated over staying alive. I had been raised to have good, honest, solid values, yet I threw those out like worthless trash in my effort to be thin, to slowly die. I soiled my integrity. People lost their trust in me, because I lied about food – how much I ate, no I didn’t throw it away or hide it, I promise.

It wasn’t until Cade was born that I really began to figure out that anorexia is a serious blow job, and that it was time to get over this selfish, meaningless, USELESS and NEEDLESS disease. And it wasn’t easy. I mean, obviously. But I realized, once I had my perfect sweet angel man in my arms, that there was more to life than how far my collarbones jutted out, and the number on the scale. Cade gave me perspective; he gave me a new set of values. That being a mother - a present mother who is healthy and there unequivocally for her children, and teaching them to be honest and good people, was something that I valued. Finally FINALLY I had something I cared about more than being thin.

So I finally started to do the real work, the nitty-gritty stuff that gets under your fingernails and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And it sucked a lot of the time. And it hurt(s) like hell. I have been underweight since November of 2005. That is a long time to acclimate to being where I am, and the idea of getting to a normal weight is terrifying for me. And yet. Since I’ve had this tube for a whole, what, 5 days?... I’ve been more committed to just finally freaking making some significant gainage and just DOING IT. It’s time, you know? I mean, it won’t be easy. And I’ll freak out a lot. But there’s something that’s finally just…I dunno….CLICKED in my brain. Like, the idea of looking and being healthy (gah loathe that word!) isn’t so repulsive to me. I’m beginning to nurse the idea that I could even be pretty, acceptable, and even liked at a normal weight. And the fact that I’m starting to be okay with this idea terrifies me in and of itself!  I have a lot of work to do.

Anorexia was my everything. When God failed me, Anorexia stepped in and saved me, in a warped and twisted way. When I learned I couldn’t depend on others to keep me safe, and that the world was uncertain and scary, Anorexia took care of me, never left me, and certainly never failed me. And, irony of ironies: it was saving me just as quickly as it was killing me, yet I refused to let go. But that is changing.

Why is it changing, you ask? I think a good portion of it is my treatment team. I’ve never had a group of individuals care so damn much about me; be so invested in my health and well-being and recovery, and that really rubs off on me. I think it’s because Cade is getting older, and soon he’ll be old enough to see Mommy acting like a crazy psycho D-bag. It’s because I want to have another baby, not to replace Kendall, but so that Cade and Kendall can have another brother or sister. I want to have strength and energy to run and use my body without nearly stopping breathing. Maybe I want to recover this time because my life hasn’t changed in so long, and I’m realizing that I’m not happy much of the time. Maybe trying on Normal won't be so scary. So. I’m going to do it.

Time to stop revering anorexia, and revere a healthy body. A healthy me. Time to value family and friends and life. Time to restore my integrity. Time to breathe, and be okay with it.

Time to move on.

55 comments:

Jackie said...

You have no idea how inspiring this post was Brie - I am almost in tears! You are an inspiration and I am rooting for you every step of the way. I have no doubt that you will make it. Love you so much. xoxo

Kristi :) said...

Yay Brie! I am so happy for you! Its funny how just one day it all just makes sense. Something similar happened to me this morning...it is just so simple...it makes you wonder why it took so long. :)

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

Yay Brie! I'm so happy reading this post :)!
Yup anorexia makes us do irrational shit like value our thigh measurements over anything else, crazy right? That's why it's a mental illness- but I am so so so happy to hear your motivation now! And believe me, you will be GORGEOUS at a healthy weight- trust me, I know I never thought it possible for myself- but it's amazing how much better clothes fit etc now that I have an ass for them to fit on ;)

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

Yay Brie! I'm so happy reading this post :)!
Yup anorexia makes us do irrational shit like value our thigh measurements over anything else, crazy right? That's why it's a mental illness- but I am so so so happy to hear your motivation now! And believe me, you will be GORGEOUS at a healthy weight- trust me, I know I never thought it possible for myself- but it's amazing how much better clothes fit etc now that I have an ass for them to fit on ;)

Cammy said...

You're going to make it, Brie. I am so glad that things are starting to click in your mind.

Recovery is such a push-me-pull-you process, with goals and wants and needs and anxieties and challenges and victories and everything else being so scattered around...but in the end it is all about your life and what you want out of it. Period, dot.

You have such an fantastic life ahead, Brie. You are smart, talented, funny, and caring. Giving yourself the energy (both mental and physical) and freedom to enjoy yourself and your loved ones is going to be incredible, keep swimming. <3

Courtney said...

LOVE moments like these. There must be something fabulous in the water 'round here because I've been feeling quite similar myself lately. I think it's so great that you have such an awesome treatment team pushing you forward, but I think an even bigger reason you are changing is that YOU are ready. All that work over the years, even if it was a little halfhearted, wasn't for nothing. You've gained so much insight and knowledge and it's BECAUSE you've gone through so much that the pieces are falling in to place now. I have no doubt you can do this and I'll be honest, I'm excited for you too! :)

brie said...

Thanks for the support and encouragement, Ladies!!

It's nice to know you are all happy for me, it makes me giddy and happy and gives me hope you'll still like me when I'm "healthy." I'm such a loser for saying that, haha. :)

Love to you all.

Teresa said...

I am so proud of you!!! I knew you had it in you somewhere!! (I'll bet it was hiding in those extremely long legs of yours so it took a while to reach the surface:) You can absolutely do this, I firmly believe it. And once you really are "healthy" you will still be one sexy biatch.:)Lets go eat to celebrate your break through.

CG said...

This rocks, Brie. Have you talked about what it is that sounds icky to you about "healthy"? Or what it is you value about emaciation...is it the way other people treat you, or do you think your beauty ideals differ from those of other people? It sounds like you have a great treatment team who really want to make you think.

brie said...

Yes, Teresa, the 37" of my legs were REEEEAAAAALLLLY not wanting to let go of that denial, lol. and YES let's celebrate with pina coladas! ;)

CG...good questions you asked. i think a lot of my "stay skinny at all costs" mentality came with me being a model for several years - it really is ingrained in me, because the only way, in that world, to be acceptable was to basically be emaciated. but i really and truly am going to think about your questions, and talk about them with my T. thanks for making me think. :)

Stephanie said...

eek, ack, ugg.. I am so flipping happy over here. I cannot even begin to tell you how proud of your that I am. This is something that has been such a long time coming. It makes my little heart so happy that you have a team that cares about you in a way that makes you feel it.
I am proud of you because you know that what is ahead of you isn't easy, but is unbelievably worth it. Know that I am always here for you. We are in this together, doing all the scary stuff each day. Know that I love you always. "healthy", "sickly", with and without Larry.
YOU Brie...
You are my bestie, you are good and I love you.

Cara said...

You are amazing!!! Best of luck to you, you seem to have such a wonderful support system to push you right along.

t. said...

you made me cry, brie! in a good way though. i am so glad to read this update and wish you the best!

Victoria said...

Wow this post broke me down to tears. It was enlightening and uplifting. You are a very strong woman and I know its going to be a hard road but it will be well worth it. You wanting to get healthy is making me want to get "healthy" just as much. Keep up the great work, you are in my prayers

brie said...

i'm making people cry now? don't cry don't cry - that is, unless they're happy tears. :)

Krista said...

I'm glad you were able to have this realization and to share it with us. I really needed this today to pull me out of a slump. It reminded me of what I value and how my eating disorder will only take me away from what I really want in life.

P.S. thanks for letting me watch AI at your house. I hate not having a DVR

Brandon said...

For whatever reason I got a glimpse of the person you are talking about wanting to become the first night I met you. It has been a real struggle for you to let Brie come out from inside to the surface because anorexia was running the show and didn't like the things that Brie liked. I love you with a fierceness even as you are, but you will never know how much more crazy I will be about you when you aren't being COMPLETELY CHAINED DOWN by this terrible disease. You were right, this post did make me happy. I love you girl, thanks for being mine.

Devon said...

:D

I'm so excited for you after reading this post. It's about damn time that you realized just how important you are - important to Cade, to B, to your family, friends...but most importantly, to yourself.

Breathe it deep, baby...just not today because I believe it's another red air day ;) You should totally use those face masks from a couple years ago and Hairy's transformation. They were hot.

Tanya said...

B this post made me so happy for you. I wish I had that drive. I really do admire you so much when I see you pushing through so much of this crap. Its hard. You taking on this challenge and finding values more than this disease is amazing. Hugs. Hope you don't mind the hugs. T

SARAH said...

Go you! Brie you're awesome.

nurse122705 said...

This is so inspiring!! Im so proud of you!!

Of course I can relate to your feelings. I fight to maintain my healthy body weight (& not a lb over.) People tell me all the time I have a nice body and I'm skinny? who knew that I would still be considered skinny @ a healthy body weight.

brie said...

Nurse - I like what you said about still being skinny at a healthy body weight. For those of us who have eating disorders, sometimes that seems unfathomable, but as my T tells me, even when I'm at a healthy weight, I'll be thin, just not emaciated!

themilkfreeway said...

Hi Brie :) I've read your blog on and off for a few months but never commented before - I'm a bit scared of people with a million followers! Anyway, I wanted to say good luck. I've been in recovery for ten months after having an eating disorder for 13 years. Most of last year was dedicated to gaining weight and it sucked, but it was so worth it. I actually enjoyed feeling like I was rebelling against my anorexia at times, it controlled me for far too long and I finally got my own back ;) I have several parts of my newly-healthy anatomy crossed for you!
Katie

Em said...

Brie,

I'm glad you have such a great treatment team and that you feel you can trust them to guide you toward a healthier state of body and mind. Healthy isn't a swear word- it's another word for alive. You are always beautiful, but please know that a person who's really alive and committed to staying that way has a beauty independent of appearance. I, too think it's easy to cling to personal weakness or illness than truly value what is most important. Thanks for reminding me to live what I value.

kelly anne said...

Thank you for such an inspiring post. This is truly beautiful.

Maeve said...

This post made me so very very happy!!

You are going to do such an awesome job at this. I know it's going to be rough at times, but you have so very much that is worth fighting for.

You are an incredible person :-)

Kerri said...

Yay! I am so glad to hear this. Just think how shiny and awesome your hair will be when your body is getting what it needs. ;)

Lou Lou said...

You and Cade are really lucky to have eachother, it's amazing to find so mcuh strength and inspiration from the love for your family. This post was really inspiring, I only decided to really do recovery properly recently, and I got a click about 7 days ago. it didnt mean a click and i'm better, but a click and i just thought holy shmoly I'm going to get better!!!!!!!!!!!
awesome post!

ghost girl said...

This post makes so much sense to me. You know, I really only ever was able to get better bc of my family...it *clicked* that those four people deserved to have me participate in their lives at my optimal level. People suggested that I had to "get better FOR ME" and "i deserved it," but that seemed silly. I did not matter to Me. So, I chewed and swallowed food FOR THEM. Later, I got to to a point where I felt I was doing healthy things for ME bc I deserved it, but at first, really, it was for my family. Even though some experts disagreed with that way of thinking, it often worked for me. I think your love for you son can propel you through the unimaginable! Wishing you the best as always
shawna

Tylaine said...

What an awesome and inspiring post Brie! You're amazing and tre fabulouso! Sometimes we ask why why do we have to go through the things we do and we'll probably never know in this life but one thing I do know is that all the crapola we have to go through helps to make us a better person.
"Not good.....brialliant"!!!!!!
Love you Brie

Suzi Q said...

Brie, What and inspiring post. Weird that you can inspire someone who don't even know and who has never even had ED. I am very touched by your story and wish the best of luck in the rest of this journey!

licketysplit said...

Hallelujah! I was so happy to read this. As amazing as you are now I'm excited to see who you will become without the ED. I'm glad you're ready to allow that to happen. :)

Penny said...

You say oh so innocently to me, "mom, I think you will like my blog today. its about recovery and stuff." ARE YOU KIDDING! You just made my day, my week and my weekend. it would be more but I will be babysitting your C for a few days on the weekend so I can't promise too much! j/k. I do know and remember the real you, and I am excited for you to find YOU too. You will have so much love and support as you wrestle A. down and finally win! You are an amazin person to allow us to share when the game is not over. We will get to understand your struggles and triumphs. Thank you, my dear and may God continue to Bless you and your readers....

tescosuicide said...

We don't know each other, but I've been following your blog of late and (apart from the fact that you, my lady, are the cat's meow) you've just turned around my very shitty day.

I wish you all the best and that you manage to go through with it. I promise you, once you're there, you'll be asking yourself what you were so scared of in the first place. You've done and been through so much from what I gather from your writing, you'll be making it this time, too.

Hugs from one unknown to another. ;-)

Heather said...

You freaking go, girl! I can feel in your words that the healthy side of you is so much stronger than this pile of dookie eating disorder could ever be. When that negative voice gets to strong, come back and read this post... remember the feeling you had when you wrote it. And you can also do what I do... imagine Jillian Michaels being the voice of your healthy side, with her orgasmic eyebrows and all!

Heather said...

*too, oops! P.S. You are in my prayers each and every day.

Steph said...

So happy for you Brie! This is fantastic news and it's so nice to see all of the love and support you have from family, friends, and complete strangers for that matter (that would include me!) :) I've recommended before and I'm going to recommend again that you read The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz. It might help you on your journey and if not that is okay too. It changed my life along with all of DMR's books. I would love to send you a copy if you are interested. Take care and congrats on the beautiful progress you have made.

Mel said...

This was one of the most amazing and inspiring blog post I've ever read, and I'm so happy for you. Even though I don't "know" you, I know you can do it!!

"Julia" said...

I'm glad to see that your mindset is shifting. That's the greatest challenge of recovery. I only hope that someday I will feel the same.

Tiptoe said...

Brie,

What a fabulous post! I'm so happy to hear your inspiration for recovery. I always equate the "clicking" to a lightbulb going off in your head. And when it is there, man, it can really move you to depths you never thought possible.

I know you have great strength and can make it. You have a lot of people supporting and rooting for you. And most of all, you have YOU that is rooting for you.

allegri said...

Brie, you are amazing. I VALUE your recovery as model towards my own. This post really got me thinking ( I have ALOT ALOT to think about... and act on!).

I am praying for you. Love you dearie!

Christina said...

This is a wonderful post, really "real" and inspirational. Thank you.

Ms. Jess said...

Brie, I was linked to your blog from T's blog; she said I'd be hooked and she was right. You have an exquisite sense of humor and I love your way with words.

That said, I want to thank you for being an inspiration to me. This post shows the depth of your determination and I know it will pay off.

Telstaar said...

Lol, I logged on to comment... and wow, so many comments. Hunni.... you and I both know that there will be ups and downs, there will be days when these feelings aren't as predominant and the anorexia TRIES to sneak in through a crack here or there... however, it is posts like this, and the fact that more and more you are resolving to work THROUGH recovery rather than attempting to skirt around it that I see more and more and more in your life. I think you are beginning to finally see that you ARE capable of doing this even when you don't always feel like it.

Anytime you need a reminder, just have a look at how many amazing people are here to encourage you AND are inspired by you. You know how crucial you are in my life and I am so incredibly thankful to see that a lightbulb moment has happened.

Hunni, the day that Bran, Whit, your Mum, Cade and I (and all other relevant peoples of whom you know whom I am thinking) get to introduce you to yourself, for real... I think you'll be amazed and surprised as who you are! One amazing, gentle, kickarse, intelligent woman with a purpose in this life to be YOU, something that only you, Miss B can do.

I love you, thankyou for sharing this, thankyou for being you.

xoxo

rachel ramsay said...

i heart brie.

Lindsay said...

I pretty much can't say anything that hasn't been said by all the other people rooting for you too... but you're amazing and I'm SO excited to watch you TOTALLY conquer this. :) You're awesome! Keep it up!

Krystle said...

I love this so much. You are amazing.

Organic Meatbag said...

wow...kick ass, my friend...kick ass...

Christina said...

When I started gaining weight, I too, did it because I knew I had to value more in life than being xx pounds, or having certain measurements, or having a certain pair of jeans hang off of me. I started eating not to gain weight, but so I could actually think. I found that actually eating when I was hungry, eating healthy amounts, really helped with my anxiety-it's like, we're not programmed for starvation, we are programmed to eat. I played a game with myself to help me keep eating and gaining when I didn't want to or got pissed off for being bigger. I thought, "I'll starve tomorrow but today I will eat." And then the next day, when I wanted to restrict, I'd say, "I'll restrict tomorrow but today I will eat." And it totally worked for me on those really tough days when all I wanted to do was go back to old habits.

brie said...

holy COWZERS. the response to this has been overwhelming. thank you all, so much, from the bottom of my heart, for your love and support. you have no idea how much this means to me.

Savannah said...

I'm super happy for you and I love you hun :) This is wonderful to hear.

Alexandra Rising said...

:D

bananas said...

Have fun banging in Bear Lake!

emily sam said...

this is such an intensely amazing post to be able to read, i'm honestly a little giddy inside. i always get so happy to hear things like this and i am SO SO SO proud of you! you may have finally felt that "click." and, let me tell you, once that click happens, life will have never seemed so beautiful. not to say it's all downhill from here, but the motivate and drive that comes with it is almost overwhelming. embrace it. :D

Katannah said...

I can't wait for you to see how beautiful you are when you are your own person, and not Anorexia's. Congratulations on the first step - you made it a mile!