Monday, January 4, 2010

Raw Raw Raw Resolutions!

Dammit, it’s time for a resolution post. I hate them because really, let’s be honest, my self-esteem is already pretty low, and me just giving myself goals that I most likely will not achieve is not going to help it or the world or my cat's obesity, right? I mean, it’s not rocket science. Le pish. But I guess I’ll try to think of a few since apparently I'm a follower, not a leader:

1. No quitting el guitar! I start lessons on Wednesday, and I’m seriously, like, psyched. Like I’m 7 years old and waiting for my Christmas presents psyched. I haven’t felt this ridiculously excited in a long time. Maybe I can strum out my anxiety and bad feelings ‘n stuff. Francesca is so beautiful. I’ve even prepared myself for my first lesson by painting my fingernails black. Why am I so cool? I don’t even know!
2. Get to a place where my low body weight and lungs don’t stop me from working out. I’d love to be able to run (or hell man, even walk up a flight of stairs) without getting all winded like a senior citizen and pissing off my treatment team because I am expelling more calories than I am like taking in or whateva.
3. Drink more water. The last water I had was yesterday, only that doesn’t count because it was in the teensy tinsy sacrament cup. Before that, I had about 4 oz on Christmas. Shutup. I know.
4. Continue to edit the novel I am writing. Make significant progress, whatever that may be.
5. Keep Blogxygen alive and well and breathing.
6. Try not to either fire another treatment team or get my own arse fired. This be bad.
7. Somehow, some way, get to a place in my grieving process for Kendall where I don’t cry at the sight of pregnant women, baby clothes, babies themselves, maternity clothes, baby headbands and tutus, etc. Which, in Utah, this means that basically half the population makes me want to cry or scream or bitch slap them. It’s not their fault. It’s mine because I’m weird and broken.
8. I don’t have another resolution, but stopping on a number 7 is icky. So, stop being so lame.
9. And really, we should just make the list go to a nice clean 10, right? How many lists stop at 9? OCD much? No! Never!
10. Lose weight. Ha! Just kidding, bitches!

2010, here I come. And how I am so, so, so very much not looking forward to you. Gross groan moan boo double boo. So far, you pretty much suck. Sorry, but I say it like it is.


Kerri said...

My major one is to actually GO to therapy. I know I need to be there, but I hate going. I hate how they try to blame my family when the only 'family' that could be behind my problems is that fun mental illnesses run in the family. Like documented and all that exciting stuff. I would like to, you know, actually get a diagnosis. I never stick around long enough to get one, other than the 'social anxiety' and 'agoraphobia' which you'd have to be an idiot not to know about me anyway. I can't even pee in my house with my fams nearby without running water- anxiety you see. Making a real friend in this city at some point would be nice, given how far away my fam is, and maybe, just maybe, manage to get back to school without a nervous breakdown. =) Oh and i highly enjoy the "gross groan moan" bit- makes me laugh and I was happy to see it again after the birthday period story. Is that lame? lol

brie said...

kerrie, a worthy resolution! i think finding a good treatment team and sticking with them is vital to anyone's health and recovery. i wish you all the best!!

Anonymous said...

Damn woman, you know how to crack me up with those rezzes. I've got lotsa faith in you!
xx Sara

Cammy said...

I am mucho intrigued by this novel business...can I get my copy signed when you inevitably end up on bestseller lists?

I think that 2010 holds really great things for you, hang in there and don't underestimate yourself. With many things (ED, deaths, etc), it is impossible to go back to the way things were, so the only way through is up. That doesn't mean you leave those things behind, it just means you use them to build a stronger you. You are one amazing lady, just don't forget that.

Happy 2010, Brie, much love.

Cammy said...

By the way we have a reciprocal water problem: my D actually wants me to drink LESS water (although I DON'T waterload on purpose, I just be a thirsty freak). I average btwn 2-3 gallons per day. Maybe we could average our intakes together and make everyone happy?

brie said...


2-3 gallons? That is way beyond my comprehension! Yes, we need to, like join together and work on our water issues!!

ghost girl said...

Wow. I drink A gallon a day and I thought i was strange! -but I am thirsty ALL THE TIME, too. If don't have a water source nearby i get panicky. So, long car rides with me suck!

I wish you the best with your resolutions, Brie. I hope your 2010 rocks!

Em said...

I hate resolutions, too. Mine this year are to attend church less and drink more alcohol- seriously.
As far as #7 goes, it took me a full year before I could not completely resent other women for being pregnant or having babies. I miscarried in mid-May and moved to Germany in July. Everybody I met was pregnant with baby girls. I kept going to showers (or hosting them) for people whose babies had similar due dates as what mine would have been. It sucked.
My hope for you is that this year, the bad days are not so bad, and that you have more and more good days in between. Hang in there

brie said...

Em, my sweet sis-in-law:
your resolutions literally have me on the floor, cackling. :)

thanks for your hopes for me. they mean a lot!

xoxo to you and bran and smooches for the kids.

tracy said...

Em One of mine is to drink l e s s
Brie, i just know you will do great. By the way, i hope this doesn't sound really strange or anything...but you are soooooo beautiful. There. i said it.
i love the little blue pic and saying.

Suzi Q said...

I wish you the best of luck with your resolutions. I was thinking about you and your honesty this weekend. My sis and bro in law are staying with us for the holidays. This last July she lost her baby boy (carried him full term, no problems). I am pregnant and she keeps talking to me about my pregnancy. I know she is supportive but I think she is masking some serious pain but acting so involved. I wish sometimes she could be as honest as you and deal with the pain. Whenever she does bring up her hurt she apologizes. I just want to hug her. :( Anyway thank you for your honesty and insight. And again Good Luck! You can do it!

Christina said...

Those are great resolutions. I usually have a few but didn't make any for some reason this year. I can totally relate to the water issues. I seriously have been anti-water for a while, I know it's not good - it's just something I do. Another way to restrict. Lame. It's important to stay hydrated! I think if I had to pick one resolution right now it would be to "keep growing" even though that makes me so super nervous (grow = scary). But I mean growing in self-expression, spirituality, and in the love we can give to ourselves and others. OK, I'm going to go have a glass of water instead of a diet DP right now.

Courtney said...

You crack me up. And I love it. I have a feeling you're going to be a rockstar with that guitar. I desperately need to find a new hobby so maybe I should go dig my little bro's drums out of my parents basement and we could form a little recovery band. We could recruit Whit too, maybe she'd sing :) or play the triangle or whatever that little metal percussion thing is.

Oh yeah, I did write that little poem on my blog. Probably shouldn't claim ownership of the downer, but I'm glad you like it.

Heather Lindquist said...

I'm with you on the whole not drinking enough water thingy. I HATE water with a passion and avoid it at GREAT lengths. I don't think I've had water, in like, a week or so? And before that it probably was like another month. I MUCH prefer my Diet Mt. Dew and Dr. Pepper. So....I resolve to hopefully drink at least one cup of water a day! Hmmmm. I too seem to fail at my resolutions...or maybe my expectations are to high. I just had a conversation with my T this morning about how I believe that I'm a failure....she wants me to make a resolution to "rephrase that sentence".......I just simply smiled and nodded. Boo to resolutions.

tawny said...

YOu make me smile every day. I love that. I love you too!!

Hope lil C is okay! xo

brie said...

okay raise your hand if you didn't even know that not drinking water was like an eating disorder thang? for real, i was in the dark on that one!!

and courtney - yes yes oh please yes we MUST start a recovery band. we can call it The Almighty Bitch (in reference to Ana) oh yes the ideas are running amok right now!!!

Kendra said...

First, I LOVE the monkey cartoon! LOL... I NEVER drink water, seriously... I'll probably die of dehydration any day now! I also just posted my resolutions, and had to make a 10... just because it has to be even....... right? But, I did say that I was going to be less OCD... Whatever that means! HA! And, I think The Almighty Bitch sounds like a kick A band and I would TOTES go to that concert!

Kerri said...

It's crazy to me how little water you people drink! I don't drink anything else. I hate pop (soda to you Americans lol) I rarely drink milk, juice is gross unless mixed with alcohol, coffee is rare... I just can't imagine! I have never understood how people can say they are thirty and then down a diet coke. Doesn't that make you even more thirsty?

Heather Lindquist said...

I had no idea that was an ED thing....are you serious?

Kerri said...

I knew it was an ED thing, but I know that the more water you drink the more you push out anyway, ya know? Now when I was at my worst, I still drank water, I just would not touch a thing with salt in it...