Monday, January 11, 2010

And I am Bitter

Okay, so I need two minutes. Don’t talk. No interrupting. I just need to, like, vomit up some of this WTF’ness.

Two months ago today, at least when I woke up to get ready for an appt with my OB, I was pregnant. My skin was glowing and I was getting ripe with baby and happiness. My weight was low but stable, and slowly increasing, and I was secretly pleased with my baby bump, because I knew it meant my child was growing strong and big. Two months ago today, while sitting on a cold and scratchy examining table, with ultrasound goo all over my abdomen, all of that was shattered.

Two months have passed. And today, I have a dead daughter and a feeding tube.
And it isn’t fair.
And the injustice of this seems almost poetic.

And I want to rage and scream. But instead I put my hair in hot rollers and smile and say I’m fine and Yeah, this feeding tube kinda sucks but its okay; hopefully it will be out soon. Smile smile crack a joke fight back tears. Smile some more yes I’m fine.

And, so, I am bitter. And I so fucking desperately want to be the old me, the Two Months ago Brie. I want everything that I lost.

But life doesn’t work that way.
And I am bitter.

33 comments:

Brandon said...

Well honey, you deserve to feel like you do. It seems to me too that how things were two months ago is much much different than it is now. There is a very bitter aftertaste when you drink what you have. It might take a little time, but eventually you will find sweet again for yourself and eventually you will find another baby bump, and this one will be even bigger. Don't worry, it won't scare you though, you will LOVE it.
I love you mama, and when I woke up today and saw you getting ready you looked gorgeouliscious!!!

brie said...

thank you Husband, for the comment. i love you.

and

sorry for the F word in my post. but i felt it was warranted, no?

Suzi Q said...

I am sorry. And I wish I had words to make you feel better but I have no words. ***Big HUG*** It's funny how I don't know you but for some reason want to make you feel better in some tiny way.

One day we'll understand why we have to go through crap like this.

Kerri said...

Brie, honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't even be able to fake a smile. The fact that you can even manage that is a feat in itself in my opinion. Things will get better. I mean, that feels impossible right now, I know, but it does eventually happen. It's slow, and you won't even realize it, but one day in the not too distant future you will wake up and realize you are doing just a little bit better, and the day after that, even more so. You know you can do it, Brandon, Cade and Kendall know you can, your family knows you can. Even I know you can and I only 'know' you through this blog. This is the point where you need to just kick some ED arse and rise above it, because you can and you need to. For the sake of everyone that loves you, but for yourself, so you can be Brie again, but an even better Brie than 2 months ago. That is all there for you and I know you can do it. Lots of cheesy internet (hugs) and whatnot. =) Kerri

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

That sucks. I'm glad you're venting. I doubt telling you I think you're hot will help. Your husbands a lucky man, and I think he's right too.

-j

Gena said...

It's good to let it all out. The anger and the bitterness. It is healthy. It makes you better.

I wish I could give you a big hug, too. But I'm not there, so I'll be hugging you from cyberspace.

P.S. Your hair looks fabulous.

Maeve said...

I wish you could be two months ago Brie. Just watching what you've been through is painful, and I can't imagine what it's been like for you. The very fact you still write witty blog posts and find smiles and show the world how much you love your family is a sign of your unbelievable strength.

And while you may never get to be "two months ago Brie" again, that unbelievable strength is going to take you someplace new and exciting (aka, the future) where you can be happy. I know you will always miss Kendall, but I also belive you have enough good things coming your way that you will be happy in spite of your grief.

Rant as often as you want, but never ever forget that you are STRONG!

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

I'm sorry Brieeee :(. Vent vent vent all you want- I cannot possibly comprehend how difficult it is since I haven't gone through the same ordeal and I wish I had the right words to say.
You are a strong woman, and I can only imagine how much you miss Kendall and feel nostalgia for the past. Know she will always be in your heart, but you have a future ahead to live for you, your husband, your ADORBS son, and your daughter Kendall.
Lots of love,
Sara
PS...Fruity gum fruity gum fruity GUM! can't do the mint stuff for gum binges...makes my throat icy

Krista said...

I wish I could take your pain away.I will always be here to listen though.

tracy said...

Oh, Brie, you have every right to feel bitter after all you have been through these past two months...it has been a beyond horrible time and i can't even begin to imagine your pain.
i'm glad you posted some of it and think you should write more if you want to.
Way to use "the 'F' word" !

standing in the rain said...

fair enough brie. you have all rights to be entirely pissed right now.

let it out girl, let it out.

brie said...

thanks for the support, guys. i love you all so much.

SITR, can i get another invite to your blog? i seem to have misplaced the first one. :)

bananas said...

You look ready to beat some serious ass in that picture, and rightly so!

Words cannot express how badly I feel for you. I love you. I'm sorry I can't give you lots of hugs this month as formally planned. :( I hope you will settle for my virtual hugs.

Alexandra Rising said...

You have every reason to be angry/pset/sad/bitter...whatever word describes how you are feeling.
Grief has no clock and no one would expect you to feel better after 2 months.
My step-mother grieved the loss of her unborn child for years. You will begin to feel better eventually, but that doesnt mean you have to stop feeling sad for your loss.
Your feelings are your own and no one can dictate them for you. The healthiest thing for you to do is allow yourself to feel however it is that you are feeling. Whatever you feel, you should not feel guilt for it.
I hope commenting doesnt qualify as interrupting. I just think you truly can and are justified in feeling bitter/upset/angry/growl. Let it out one day. Never feel guilt for feeling sad or angry.
And, one day, I hope you will have a daughter [or son] who will know that they have an older sister who was loved and who would have loved them.

Jennifer said...

I just want to invite you to read Zack's Story on my blog. If you decide to you can find the links on the side bar.
Hang in there!

B R I T N E Y said...

You have such a sweet husband. For what it's worth, you still look gorgeous and more importantly, you have everybody you know plus who knows how many strangers who you DON'T know would will have your back anytime you need help.

ghost girl said...

this is your place to vent... and you are an artist with your words..i hope writing can bring you some relief...and maybe help you heal.
peace to you
shawna

Hannah said...

I'm praying for you, girl. I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I'm praying!

allegri said...

I am praying for you love!

Victoria said...

i WISH i KNEW WHT TO SAY OR HOW TO SAY IT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER BUT I KNOW NOTHING I SAY CAN FEEL THAT VOID. I AM SO SORRY YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS AND I AM NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO TRY AND MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER I TRULY FEEL FOR YOU AND I AM AMAZED BY HOW STRONG YOU ARE.

brie said...

thank you, all, for taking my anger and grief and loving me through it. you all kick ass and take names!

♥'s to you.

Sly Syl said...

I have maybe heard of one or two people in my life who have had it as hard as you, and they certainly didn't deal with it as well. I don't know you, and yeah you do have an eating disorder, but you seem pretty well adjusted for that has happened to you, so keep on keepin' on yall.

brie said...

i look ginormously boobalicious in this picture!

Kara said...

I'm so glad that you earmarked this post for venting. KEEP venting when you need to. You don't want to bottle up this sh-t - it'll ruin you. And you are much to precious to be ruined. You are right that's not fair that K is gone and now you have a tube. I'm sorry you have so many burdens to carry. Know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

PS - I agree, great boob shot. :)

kristin said...

Life is so cruel sometimes, but you have to keep on keeping on. Hang in there! It's tough and you're feeling bitter, but just keep on going and think positively. Things will turn around. Everything has a way of working out in the end.

Take care!

ps: great boob shot! :)

Erin said...

Brie, I've started this comment like 4 times, because I can't think of a single thing to say that will help. My heart ACHES for you. I cannot imagine the pain and loss you feel. Keep on venting and feeling, and know that you are loved and cared about and prayed for.

Arielle Lee Bair said...

Don't lose heart. You have a lot of heart and it would be a shame to lose it. Hold tightly to your family. Take one day at a time. It's all you can do. Sending you strength, Brie.

Lou Lou said...

Sending you light and love.
Your husband is so sweet, and you deserve that, he is also lucky to have you. xxx

Christina said...

It's hard to feel you have to "fake it" - especially at work. But know you have so many outlets to vent...this blog, your friends and family. I am thinking of you.

Brooke said...

Girl, you have every reason to scream your feelings from the rooftops. Your life has changed dramatically in two short months. I'm sorry and I wish I could help. But, I know I cant. But, I could go out with you and we could people stare and make fun of others because our lifes suck together doubly worse than anyone elses' right??

And our meaness would totally be justifed....

t. said...

i'm so sorry, brie. :( wishing you much peace.

zubeldia said...

you really don't deserve this, Brie, and I wish so much we could turn back the clock two months. SO much love, my little friend.xx

Katannah said...

There are times when I read your posts and I can't comment, because they hurt so truthfully. This was one.