Running to the Dark v. the Light

Saturday was kind of a doozy. I’d been riding a high for about two weeks. I was feeling okay with weight gain. Yes I felt a bit like a freak in a sideshow what with the tube on the faceage and the bod gainage, but I was okay with it (“okay” being an entirely overwhelming and relative term). I was putting my recovery in my treatment team’s hands, trusting them, and letting them run with it. And run with it they oh so very much wow were. And it was making me nervous.

And, as per usual, and is entirely normal for me, I totally flipped a Diet Coke lid.
And I wanted to do some runnage away.

Brandon could tell I was upset. I was stuck in my head a lot, and when I do that, he makes eye contact and says, “Where are you, Baby Girl?” And I didn’t really know… I was off in Gooey Lame Brie Brain thinking of some destructive things, prolly. Like quitting treatment and running away, to be exact.

And I told him I was doing my “usual.” I wanted to run away.

And Brandon didn’t get mad at me. He didn’t threaten me, or make me feel bad. He didn’t start to cry or get all emotional. He just matter of factly sat down, started to rub my feet, and said he knew I was scared. He knew that I wanted to cancel my therapy and dietary sessions with E and W this week. But he said that he knew it would be so easy for me that once I cancelled that one time, it would be so deceptively easy to cancel a second time, and a third, and so on. And then quit.  Run away for good.

And then he had said that what I had told him re: me wanting to run run run away, had reminded him of last week’s Celebrity Rehab. The team had worked so hard to get a guy to come IP. And once he was in, he started to freak out, because he was realizing that he couldn’t use, he couldn’t get high, he couldn’t “escape” in so many of the ways he used to. He was freaked that he had just made this huge decision to change, and he lost it. He begged to leave, promising them he’d come back that night or in the morning, but he really just needed to get out of there NOW. They all knew it was so he could go use. And you know what? That dude probably really did believe that he was going to come back. And they couldn’t convince him to stay. So he left. They couldn’t convince him to stay to save his life.

And then Dr Drew was so sad. And he said that people like that are usually the ones he buries because they just cannot commit to change, they cannot face the fear of the unknown and what life can be after drugs and alcohol – even though it can be AMAZING.

Brandon told me to not be like them. To not run away this time. And for whatever reason, it clicked. And I felt calmer. So I ate a granola bar, and hooked myself up to the tube feeds.

I don’t want to be the one that anyone has to bury.

So I’m not going to run away. But this time I’m going to run to it: run to recovery, and the fear and change that comes with it. I’m going to run to the LIGHT. I’m going to run to publishing my book, and smothering my boy with kisses, and having a body that is strong and beautiful and worth taking care of. I’m going to run to LIFE. To light.  I've always been a fabulous long-distance runner.  Because I've got stamina.  I've got endurance.  So.
ON YOUR MARK
GET READY
set, GO!
(But take it easy my lungs are bad!)