Monday, January 25, 2010

Running to the Dark v. the Light

Saturday was kind of a doozy. I’d been riding a high for about two weeks. I was feeling okay with weight gain. Yes I felt a bit like a freak in a sideshow what with the tube on the faceage and the bod gainage, but I was okay with it (“okay” being an entirely overwhelming and relative term). I was putting my recovery in my treatment team’s hands, trusting them, and letting them run with it. And run with it they oh so very much wow were. And it was making me nervous.

And, as per usual, and is entirely normal for me, I totally flipped a Diet Coke lid.
And I wanted to do some runnage away.

Brandon could tell I was upset. I was stuck in my head a lot, and when I do that, he makes eye contact and says, “Where are you, Baby Girl?” And I didn’t really know… I was off in Gooey Lame Brie Brain thinking of some destructive things, prolly. Like quitting treatment and running away, to be exact.

And I told him I was doing my “usual.” I wanted to run away.

And Brandon didn’t get mad at me. He didn’t threaten me, or make me feel bad. He didn’t start to cry or get all emotional. He just matter of factly sat down, started to rub my feet, and said he knew I was scared. He knew that I wanted to cancel my therapy and dietary sessions with E and W this week. But he said that he knew it would be so easy for me that once I cancelled that one time, it would be so deceptively easy to cancel a second time, and a third, and so on. And then quit.  Run away for good.

And then he had said that what I had told him re: me wanting to run run run away, had reminded him of last week’s Celebrity Rehab. The team had worked so hard to get a guy to come IP. And once he was in, he started to freak out, because he was realizing that he couldn’t use, he couldn’t get high, he couldn’t “escape” in so many of the ways he used to. He was freaked that he had just made this huge decision to change, and he lost it. He begged to leave, promising them he’d come back that night or in the morning, but he really just needed to get out of there NOW. They all knew it was so he could go use. And you know what? That dude probably really did believe that he was going to come back. And they couldn’t convince him to stay. So he left. They couldn’t convince him to stay to save his life.

And then Dr Drew was so sad. And he said that people like that are usually the ones he buries because they just cannot commit to change, they cannot face the fear of the unknown and what life can be after drugs and alcohol – even though it can be AMAZING.

Brandon told me to not be like them. To not run away this time. And for whatever reason, it clicked. And I felt calmer. So I ate a granola bar, and hooked myself up to the tube feeds.

I don’t want to be the one that anyone has to bury.

So I’m not going to run away. But this time I’m going to run to it: run to recovery, and the fear and change that comes with it. I’m going to run to the LIGHT. I’m going to run to publishing my book, and smothering my boy with kisses, and having a body that is strong and beautiful and worth taking care of. I’m going to run to LIFE. To light.  I've always been a fabulous long-distance runner.  Because I've got stamina.  I've got endurance.  So.
set, GO!
(But take it easy my lungs are bad!)


Laura said...

remember giving birth? Remember the crazy pain you felt just seconds before he was born and his little life was in your arms?

It's gonna be like that, ya know.
It will get harder and harder and more and more painful.
And then one day you will wake up, and the pain will be manageable...
and it will be your own life you hold in your arms.

Krista said...

I glad you made the choice to not run away. Think of how wonderfully different life will be when this is all behind you.

Alexandra Rising said...

Thank you for this post. It was really nice to read :)
And hey, you don't want to make Dr. Drew[licious] cry, do you? No way!

brie said...

alex, i don't want dr. drew to cry for me, but i do love his pouty face. i could do that. hee hee.

Maeve said...

I'm sorry that you've been feeling like running away, but I am glad that Brandon was able to help you through.

It is so wonderful that you have recommitted to recovery.

Remember, if your lungs get tired on your run to recovery, you have a whole team of people here willing to carry you there on a divan!!

tawny said...

Brie I am proud of you. It's not easy really ever but it does get better. When life has those "dark days" and you are so down and want to give up but then (like you just did in your post) you pull out of them and rise above, strength emerges you knew you didn't have....then it only makes you stronger day by day. And yes, some days you may falter, but you just stand back up again and FIGHT. I love you girl.

Teresa said...

I love stories about you and Brandon. He really is your soul mate and with him by your side you can do anything. And I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!! I know this is not easy for you and you will have good days and bad but keep your chin up, you can do this and you will damn it!!! You're so pretty. :)

Lost in Obsession said...

I haven't posted on your blog before, but wanted to say thank you for sharing.

I read yours a lot and your relationship with your husband reminds me so much of how my husband and I are. it wasn;t always supportive and most of the time he was angry with me until he realized I REALLY WANT TO BE FREE. Through this he has been encouraging and reassuring and I am thankful to be blessed with him everyday.

Hang in there and by the sound of it you are making great progress and just remember to take it a day at a time. :)

Cammy said...

It's normal to falter and question and freak the hell out sometimes; recovery wouldn't be such a monumental achievement if it wasn't a road paved with so many potholes. But you are a smart lady with a huge wide world ahead of you, and you're going to rock this show. Thanks for the honest updatage, I'm glad that you have such an awesome support system to keep you on your feet when you're having a rough day. Taking care of Brie is a huge gift to yourself in addition to the MANY people that love you, hang in there! You're going to be more gorgeous than ever when you're healthier, but more importantly you'll be more present in life in and more able to enjoy your talents, your family, and just the world as a whole. You deserve nothing less.

brie said...

thanks for all the support, you lovely women.

cammy, i always appreciate your comments because they are always heart-felt, and i appreciate you taking the time to write them.

i believe you can achieve recovery and life, too. all of you.

Jacee said...

I struggle with the feelings of running away SO much. This post was great. Thank you for sharing it. I was toying with the idea of canceling my therapy appt tomorrow, but I don't think I will. Best of luck to you. You're worth it!

brie said...


Don't do it - don't cancel! If I have to go to therapy, you do to, lol - fair's fair, right? ;)

t. said...

i have to say, your man is quite awesome in how supportive and loving he is with you. and you, of course, are all kinds of awesome in your own right, and i am so glad that you have chosen not to run away. :)

Eating Alone said...

I'm too afraid of canceling my with my T, she'll ask why and then it's just like going in to therapy. Talk about crazy logic.

It will get better. Just keep on fighting. And that means that sometimes you have to let others fight for you.

Kerri said...

First, Yay Brie!! Big news, and I am really super glad to hear it. :D

Second, your husband is awesome. I know you know that, but I am just telling you again. When I am not doing well, mine ignores me and I can't tell you what I wouldn't give to have someone around who would care that much you know? You definitely don't want to be the one who gets buried- you have far to much to lose...and no one wants to lose you. Keep fighting! :)

brie said...

Hey Kerri -

So sorry your hubby isn't there for you when you really need him.

You can call me. Or text me. Or email me.

I'm serious. I &hearts you.

brie said...

What's up with the heart html not working anymore? anyone else having that problem?

rotteness, i tell you. pure rotteness!

Penny said...

When you kiddos were all litle do you remember we had a "family motto"? Maybe now it is finally making sense ....."I will run from evil to walk in the light." I know that you are running in the "light"! Beautiful symbolism. Wish I could say I gave you your creative genes? So extra proud of you today. Your flight to the light is going to help all of us, no matter who or where we are in our life.

Lou Lou said...

I'm trying to think of my family motto, and all that is coming up is "when you leave a room, look behind you" it just means clean up and dont make a mess everywhere you go. haha, its drilled into me, i still dont do it tho. i love this post brie, its so motivating. and I'm so happy for you. your husband is the bees knees, a lot of partners find it really hard to understand. but your is so kind and supportive.
I can't wait for your book!
your awesome, keep running!!!!!!! don't forget to stop for breaks, and look behind you and see how far you have come!

brie said...

hey mom, maybe subconsciously that message really did sink in. thanks for that, i guess! ;)

Samantha Kay said...

You, Brie, are adorable, beautiful, amazing and an inspiration.
I cannot wait to read your book.
Please keep on your good paths so it can be finished and published.

Heather said...

This post brought tears to my eyes... it is so beautiful to see the healthy side of you overpowering the eating disorder. Maybe it's because I've lost so many wonderful friends (and almost lost myself) to this illness and I KNOW in my heart that you are going to make it.

I promise you that it is SO worth it, Brie. And when that negative voice is strong, go back and read this post. Remember that if you were able to do the right thing once, you can do it again : )

allegri said...

I am totally in the same boat right now... an hour out from therapy time + I just want to run away. Pretend my problems don't exist, because in my mind, they dont. I'm normal right? gah!!!! I'm scared to death. I hate it, I love it. It sucks. But I am gonna run too, with all my little asthmatic lungs can do... I'll run to therapy... because its keeping me alive...

standing in the rain said...

awesome girl! i'm so thankful you have a guy who can get you, and "it" (as much as anyone who doesn't have "it" can), and can speak truth to you. and i'm thankful that something in you could hear him, and hear the truth. what a gift!

i made an extra therapy appt this week. just cuz i'm feeling like i'm at this turning point, and it's worth seeing it through.

Lou Lou said...

i have never heard of celebrity rehab..till i read your blog, it doesnt show in NZ, i found it online and am already addicted.
loves it!!!!!!!!!!

Dana said...

Love the post! Love you and your strong go for it attitude! I know you have it in you and I know you can do this. You have so much love and support from all of us and those around you.

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

Good girl! Run to the light. :) I'm rooting for you.

Gena said...

I am hoping my daughter reads this. She is struggling. You are an inspiration to her.

Keep running. I know you can do it.

bananas said...

I am seeing a change in you. A shift. Over the weekend I spent some time going through some of your old blog entries. Shut up, I had some time, OK? Plus they were entertaining and I loved them. And I came across the one about meeting me and the pictures and the fun and ahhh, good memories. :)

I think you've always put on a "brave face" with this recovery business -- dealing with the issues, weight gain, tube... and I happened to know that in the background, things were not as bright and cheery as you were making them out to be on your blog. And now I'm seeing a lot more congruence between BRIE and blog Brie. You're being so much more honest, and I really respect that. Shit girlie, everyone does. You are clearly adored. You could probably take a crap on everyone's kitchen floor and no one would get mad at you because you're Brie, and you are cool and stuff. (Although if you shat more than once, I think you'd start getting into trouble.)

Anyway, I am honored to call you my friend. I am proud of the decisions you're making and I think you have the perfect treatment team now. And of course you have the perfect husband! (Hi Brandon!) Wow, I'm just so uber impressed with him. I'd be lucky if I found a guy even half as good...

Just keep holding on to the things that are important and they do NOT include your eating disorder! You're on the right track. Things are clicking. It's going to be hard but just keep moving along with it!

I believe in you. I love you.

Sheyenne said...

You GO GIRL! And by "GO" I mean totally keep flying toward the LIFE that God truly wants for you... a life FREE of ED! I hoep you can see the changes in you and truly be proud of your steps to recovery. Its hard and it sucks, but there is a whole big world just waiting for you to jump in to it! Love ya girl!

tania said...

wow brie..
u just made my week.. as creppy as that may sound.. Its been really tough lately, I didnt know how i felt til I read ur post.. I wasnt feeling anything, because I really wasnt feeling anything. I just wanted to run away. period.
And is Valid. Is normal trying to escape it comes within us..
Run to recovery.. run to the changes .. scary but HAPPENING !!
way to go girl! u really inspired me today.. kuddos

sona said...

GO BRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!fab fab!like i said your posts are very inspiring, and just so u know the other site I was looking at was actually a pro- recovery site, but urs is actually MORE inspiring!
run run run to the light! : )