Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Gaining Weight, Gaining Perspective


Click! Clickity click click dinga linga ding dong. Click CLICK!

That’s what my brain has done. And usually my clicks! last only a day or two, but really, lovers, with the whole like recovery and life thing, I’m still totes on board.

I am gaining weight. It isn’t a matter of speculation now, it is a legit fact. Am I scared? Yes. I haven’t weighed as much as I do since November of 2005. Am I having some body image blues? Yes, blue; so blue, not even a nice baby blue, or a cerulean blue. Just dark dark sad midnight blue. But am I fighting through it? Yes bam kow ka-tcha! Am I thinking a bit more clearly now that my brain isn’t being, like, eaten by my ravenous ‘lil self? Yes, I do believe so (she says, intelligently). Do I have more energy? Balls, yes! Do I smile more – even with the tube? Yes, although tubes+smiles=awkward/scary but whateva! Am I regretting my decision to get the tube, as it has significantly aided in my weight gain? No, actually, I’m really not. Do I feel fat? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that I am. Perspective is a tricky thing, and I am starting to get a healthier viewpoint than thin emaciation gross bones lalala blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity is beautiful and desirable and a MUST HAVE. Nah, my perceptions changing. I think I can be strong. Powerful. Use my body to get strong and healthy instead of weak and damaged. Madame Brie perceives that in the near future, things are about to change…
[Anyone else want their fortune told? ...] (5 bucks a pop.)

Therapy the past few sessions have been loverly. Like, we’re not just bitching (me) and talking (my T, frustrated) about food and how much I need to gain. We’re getting into the stuff that needs to be cleared out, all the garbage in the way of me loving myself and keeping myself alive. And it feels really, really good.

I’m gaining. In so many ways.

"By persisting in your path, though you forfeit the little, you gain the great.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

38 comments:

Cammy said...

Go get it, Brie. This post made my morning happier. <3

Stacy said...

Such Inspiration. A great start to my day.

And your humor/sarcasm... enough to make me crack a major smile on this dreary Tuesday morning.

Thanks Brie. I needed that. And Major Props for being super SPECTACULAR!

Eating Alone said...

I'm glad your working through it. That's the only way. Good luck!

Ms. Jess said...

Go for it!

Tricia L said...

I've been following your blog for a little while now. I've never commented before and I'm not really big into commenting. It has something to do with being afraid of saying something wrong/weird/stupid and making a fool of myself, so I just resort to stalking. This post, though, has compelled me to come out of the blog stalking closet, at least for just this one post. You're amazing and I hope things keep getting better for you. I recently stumbled upon an amazing scripture (I know, cheesy, but whatev) and when I read your post it reminded me of it. Here you go:

2 Timothy 1: 7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Keep doing what your doing and know that through our Heavenly Father, you have the power to overcome this and have no need to fear.

Sorry if I creep you out, but I find you completely inspiring and amazing and I hurt to see you hurt. I'm weird that way.

t. said...

good for you, brie! and you look so much happier in your newest photo. keep it up, girl! you are doing this.

Kerri said...

I am so glad to hear this Brie! You definitely look happier in this picture and I don't doubt you will start to feel even better and happier in the future as you give your body back all the good for it things it has been missing!

licketysplit said...

Brie! I'm SO happy for your progress and happy that you body is getting some much needed nutrients. Keep at it! Keep fighting those distorted thoughts and experiencing how full life can be.

Devon said...

This has made my day...nay...my week!

I'm so so so thrilled.

dietcokefiend2 said...

I so needed to read this as I'm struggling a lot with weight gain and all right now. Thank you for your positivity, it truly helped make my day a bit better.
http://dietcolagirl.blogspot.com

ghost girl said...

good for you! fighting the imsofat feelings can be trying but - yeah you are way cooler and much more ballsy than that nasty voice!! Go you!
s

bananas said...

That is awesome and you look GREAT. Glowing even. And your face just looks purrrrrrrrrrty.

I think all the weight you gained went to your organs or something though because I bet you don't look much different. And even if you do by some strange miracle, you are beautiful. And always remember that you have a thin frame, girlie! Weight gain does not equal FAT. Nor does "healthy." You're going to be thin and not emaciated. Isn't that better? Yes, yes it is!

Tylaine said...

Beautiful pic. Brie...I'm so happy for you. You're such a strong, amazing, kickass person!!!!
Yay Brie....Go Brie Rah rah rah!!

Sarah said...

Freakin sweet ;) So cool to hear all this, I'm smiling too!

takeupyourbedandwalk said...

Yay! I'm so happy for you!

I am totally going to get all sappy here, and tell you that even though I lurk and hardly comment, I find you inspiring. My ED is from the opposite side of the spectrum, the binge-eating side, but I relate to so much of your internal struggle. And reading stuff like this makes me happy for you and gives me hope for myself. (I'd invite you to come read my blog, but I think it might not be a good idea: I have numbers and such, which is helpful for me, but would probably be really bad for you. :D)

So thanks for writing.

We now return to our regularly scheduled lurking. ;)

Marste

Em said...

Brie-

You look happy and alive and thriving. You seem headed to a much better place and I'm so glad. Keep taking care of yourself.

Ash said...

Brie! Don't know if ya remember me, but I just came across your blog again! I hope everything is going better...tube doesn't look like fun, but I am happy you are learning to be ok with it! (insert cheesy comment here, ex. you can do it, stay strong ect.)

Suzi Q said...

YAY! I am super glad that you had a fun weekend and that you seem to be in a really good place right now. Keep up the good work! :)

wendyorozco said...

this is SO good to hear... so exciting, so hopeful! :) go brie!

kristin said...

I'm so happy for you, Brie. :)

Brandon said...

Babe, you make me a happy man!

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

Hmmmm, up until now I've been able to control my anonymous attraction to you cause you were too skinny for me.

If you gain too much weight, I may not be able to control myself.

-c

Stephanie said...

Oh lover.. you rock my socks. its just amazing to me how much you are fighing. I am so happy for you that you are FINALLY getting glimpses at freedom and happiness. I am always here for you to chat, swear, scream, cry, laugh and make highly inappropriate jokes with you...
D-Twin

brie said...

you guys all freakin rock. thanks so much for your happiness on my behalf. it makes me, well, happy. :)

Kara said...

Whohoo!

tawny said...

Girl!!

Glad you had a fab weekend w/ all you friends!
Bear Lake looked sooo fun and sooo cold. (loved the pic of you and Bran)

And I am so happy for you...I loved this post..you are a strong girl. xo

Courtney said...

Can I just echo every single comment here? I'm inspired by your awesome attitude and I can really sense the "shift" you've had. Just remember that even the most perspective in the world won't prevent those moments where you hit the "wall". But all that perspective will most definitely help you pick yourself right back up and keep running.

Victoria said...

Get it done girl!! You rock and you are such an inspiration

Lou Lou said...

thats so awesome, your an inspiration dude!!!

Maeve said...

Your post made me so happy! I love reading about your determination, and I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed!

You are so very inspirational! Thank you.

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

Good for you, girl! :)

Alexandra Rising said...

Oh, girl. You still look so thin to me I dont see any ounce of how you could feel fat.
I hope you embrace the weight gain [that, seriously, doesnt show] and see that is nourishing you and will allow you to do more things.
Seeing you work on your health inspires me to work on my health, too.
It's a long road for you, but a road that will be well worth getting to the end of, I think. You are beautiful, you will always be beautiful [to me]. Hang in there, weight gain is hard, but I can be honest and tell you, based on that picture, it is apparent in the least.

Krista said...

annoying but necessary emoticon :-)

Lisa (bakebikeblog) said...

You go girl :) You have so many people on your side :)

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

I'm so happy to hear you say all this! Especially the gaining in so many ways- perspective, etc...gaining your life back!
Lotsa love,
Sara

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

I'm so happy to hear you say all this! Especially the gaining in so many ways- perspective, etc...gaining your life back!
Lotsa love,
Sara

nurse122705 said...

Stay strong & remember that recovery doesn't not mean being a fat failure. I once considered anorexia to be my greatest accomplishment and testament of will power. To be honest, it was easy for me not to eat- it actually took very little will power. Recovery is my greatest accomplishment and testament of will power. I battle to eat & maintain this BMi and I succeed. Anorexia is the easy way out & a band-aide to my real problems.

I also feared that by recovering I would be accepting that I am going to be a fat person- trapped in a body of mushy dimpling blubber. But I'm still thin. I gained about 20 lbs to reach the minimal BMI for my height, I'm healthy & thin (I actually wear a C cup bra now). My thighs don't rub & my stomach is still flat (my biggest fears) I wore a size 2 wedding dress. Im not fat & you won't be either.

Happy gaining!!

nurse122705 said...

Stay strong & remember that recovery doesn't not mean being a fat failure. I once considered anorexia to be my greatest accomplishment and testament of will power. To be honest, it was easy for me not to eat- it actually took very little will power. Recovery is my greatest accomplishment and testament of will power. I battle to eat & maintain this BMi and I succeed. Anorexia is the easy way out & a band-aide to my real problems.

I also feared that by recovering I would be accepting that I am going to be a fat person- trapped in a body of mushy dimpling blubber. But I'm still thin. I gained about 20 lbs to reach the minimal BMI for my height, I'm healthy & thin (I actually wear a C cup bra now). My thighs don't rub & my stomach is still flat (my biggest fears) I wore a size 2 wedding dress. Im not fat & you won't be either.

Happy gaining!!