Gaining Weight, Gaining Perspective

Click! Clickity click click dinga linga ding dong. Click CLICK!

That’s what my brain has done. And usually my clicks! last only a day or two, but really, lovers, with the whole like recovery and life thing, I’m still totes on board.

I am gaining weight. It isn’t a matter of speculation now, it is a legit fact. Am I scared? Yes. I haven’t weighed as much as I do since November of 2005. Am I having some body image blues? Yes, blue; so blue, not even a nice baby blue, or a cerulean blue. Just dark dark sad midnight blue. But am I fighting through it? Yes bam kow ka-tcha! Am I thinking a bit more clearly now that my brain isn’t being, like, eaten by my ravenous ‘lil self? Yes, I do believe so (she says, intelligently). Do I have more energy? Balls, yes! Do I smile more – even with the tube? Yes, although tubes+smiles=awkward/scary but whateva! Am I regretting my decision to get the tube, as it has significantly aided in my weight gain? No, actually, I’m really not. Do I feel fat? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that I am. Perspective is a tricky thing, and I am starting to get a healthier viewpoint than thin emaciation gross bones lalala blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity is beautiful and desirable and a MUST HAVE. Nah, my perceptions changing. I think I can be strong. Powerful. Use my body to get strong and healthy instead of weak and damaged. Madame Brie perceives that in the near future, things are about to change…
[Anyone else want their fortune told? ...] (5 bucks a pop.)

Therapy the past few sessions have been loverly. Like, we’re not just bitching (me) and talking (my T, frustrated) about food and how much I need to gain. We’re getting into the stuff that needs to be cleared out, all the garbage in the way of me loving myself and keeping myself alive. And it feels really, really good.

I’m gaining. In so many ways.

"By persisting in your path, though you forfeit the little, you gain the great.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson