Friday, June 5, 2009

On Change

Change is inevitable, we know that, and some of us welcome it, and some of us, well, loathe it. I used to be in the latter category, especially while in the throes of my anorexia. Change meant an upset in my schedule, and what would happen if I couldn’t pop a piece of gum in my mouth at exactly 9 am, or what if I was asked to lunch and couldn’t eat my scheduled Special K with water instead of milk? (Eew eew gross gag blech) Change at that time always meant weight gain, and it meant eating different foods other than my safe foods, which were so few that I could count them all on one hand. The only change it seems that I welcomed was a lower number on the scale, or a smaller pant size. There is so much change one can make in this world, and it’s so wasteful that for so long, that is the only changing I strived for: smaller numbers, a dwindling body.

I would think that according to our society’s standards, I have not made many grand, socially acceptable and applauded changes. Instead of busily completing my degree in American Lit with an emphasis in writing, I was busy doing well crap I don’t even know WHAT in treatment. Not once, not twice, but my hell, THREE TIMES – I could have long since added up all my time spent in treatment and much more quickly completed my undergrad. Instead I got a diploma in Almost but not Quite Recovery. (But with Honors, of course. :)

…I chose very recently to take a DEMOTION at work. I have one child, who most of the time is grimy and screechy and mischievous. I heavily rely upon Xanax and anti-depressants to keep me functioning. I am not a good homemaker. I’d rather read than vacuum, rather nap than organize.
BUT.
I’ve managed to stay out of treatment for more than two years, which is a biggie for me. I’ve changed, learned that I’m a big girl and I can save myself – I don’t need to go to a treatment facility to do the saving for me. I smile more. I no longer give a rat’s-A what other people think of me or my friggin’ jean size. I’m spontaneous, I’m funny. I have no “safe foods,” because everything I eat is safe to eat – and I don’t even chew gum anymore, haha.

I have time to think about how much I love my husband and my mini man, not how much I love my ed. I’m a good friend and sister and daughter now. I’m not manipulative, and I don’t lie. People can trust me, because they know that I have changed – and they love who I am, who I am becoming, and what I am discovering about myself.

And that undergrad? It can wait. I have time, now. Ed’s not taking me anywhere.
Because I’m no longer afraid of change, and Ed, you suck, so BOOM, take that.

21 comments:

Rebekah said...

I am a lurker, but I just had to comment on this, because it's so inspiring and great to read. Staying out of treatment for over two years is HUGE and impressive, and change is soooo hard. Keep up the good work, and know that there are those of us out there who are usually too intimidated to comment, but who are pulling for you.

McIntyre Family said...

Great Post Brie! Very insighful....change can be an up down crazy thing for sure!! I'm so glad you seem to be doing better these days. You've had to go through some major crap and have done a wonderful job of it! (somehow that doesn't sound too good but hopefully you know what I mean :)) You deserve the best!
BTW there's no shame in loving So You Think You can Dance! I love love LOVE that show!

Laura said...

love that we both posted on CHANGE.
Someone commented on my post that sometimes the best change you can have is simply changing your perspective.
I love that.

Pattie Cordova said...

virtual high five! going your way.

Sarah said...

I love your spunky attitude, and like your emphasis on your journey thus far :)

Lisa said...

Boo societal standards. You are brilliant and doing the right things for YOU.

Keely said...

I love this post. Very empowering. :) It makes me feel better about my relationship with school too. I'll get there when I get there. Thanks.

lisalisa said...

I really liked this post- what a positive take on all the twists and turns your life has taken. I think you are definitly going to come out on top!

Standing in the Rain said...

God you are f'ing awesome!

Devon said...

Favorite in a long time - and oh so true. :D

Afterglow05 said...

wow Brie. I needed that. Not that I can implement it, but to know that things CAN change if you(we) want them to. Hmmm. Maybe I should think about this a little more.


Go you!

HAFC said...

I'm one of those people who STILL hates change, but I wish I didn't....life would be so much easier and happier if I could just "let go!" I admire that you've been able to change so much since the last I saw you. I guess I have changed too, but honestly, I didn't like the process.....but I do like the end result. Thanks for sharing this. It helped me think about my own changes, and that's always a good thing!

Courtney said...

I'm so behind on blogs these days but this is one of the coolest things I have read in a long time. You perfectly sum up so much of what I feel right now. It's so easy to get caught up in life's challenges that you forget to see just how FAR you have come. Props to you for these great realizations! And isn't it an amazing feeling to realize you're the one calling the shots these days, not ED?

Just remember that having this insight doesn't mean you always have to LIKE change. It seems like whenever I have little breakthroughs I always have a massive backlash right around the corner. Maybe accepting that change is part of life means that it's okay to like it one day and hate it the next. If that makes any sense.

Penny said...

What a coming home present. Thank you my dear. You are "all that" and more. You are also compassionate and kind. You have hope and faith. All of that is expressed from time to time on your blog. Thanks for sharing. I am learning much from you.

kristin said...

I loved this post, Brie. I'm so happy for you. You are awesome!

love, kristin

saa said...

I love that you said the part about saving yourself; that is remarkable. :) Oh, and I too say forget society's standards...Boo on that.
I really needed to read this post today...
thank you for sharing this and congratulations on doing so well!
s

Telstaar said...

I'm so so glad I'm getting to know you at this time of your life Miss Brie, seriously. I think I'd have loved you before as well, but right now I'm getting the spunky monkey version of Brie that is kicking butt! I'm gonna get to see you transition from ed hell to freedom fighting and that is, well such a privilege. I'm glad I got to see you when I did.

Love you LOTS

Love Telly xoxo

Misty said...

You are right Brie. You are a good sister and we love you! I B proud of you. You are beautiful always in my book.

Kara said...

Love the post. The part about you saving yourself now and knowing that you don't have to rely on a treatment center to save you really hit me. I'm always looking around at my therapist, and other people to give me the "magic answer" that will save me. I need to learn that I have to save myself.

Moondrop said...

I love your writing Brie and also like reading about your thoughts and especially this entry about positive change ('positive change' is probably a therapy phrase too) as you have faced such adversity and still manage to keep fighting. That makes you inspiring. Don't stop. From moondrop a stranger.

Brooke said...

B, I hate change too. But, it can be a good thing. Like you said. As you get older and go through so many bad things (and good) you learn so much. And those are the "things" that bring change for the better if you let them.

Glad you are looking up!