Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A Confusing Correspondence

I got a totally random absolutely out of the blue email from my T last night at, like, 9 pm. (As in, very late at night.) I had to read it like four times to try to figure out what the H bomb she was even trying to say…and I’m still not sure. Here’s an excerpt, but really, I feel like she wants to fire me or something. Liability schmiability.
Whatever. At this point, right now, I don’t even care:

Hey, I know when you left last week you were mad. My perception was that you felt like I was not validating your progress enough. And I did get a bit defensive when you made a comment about the peg tube being a joke. I can't remember your exact phrase. You were being sarcastic and I was tired of trying to convince you that you are still not completely medically stable and still underweight. I'm sure you could hear the frustration in my voice when I told you to get a second opinion if you disagree. There could have been more that you were reacting to that I'm not aware of.

I would like to talk to you about where therapy is going and discuss your needs in relation to what I can offer…


So there it is. Suffice it to say I’m going in to see her tomorrow, as unoriginally planned. The thing that’s interesting about it all is that when I left last week, I wasn’t mad or frustrated. Just TIRED, hence the self-prescribed (short) break from treatment. I have no idea what’s going on now, and I feel so anxious about it I can hardly think of anything else.
Eeewy, gross. Make it stop! Any mind readers out there wanna take a stab at what she’s trying to say to me?
This sucks balls. Why does it seem I'm always doing something wrong? I'm a naughty girl.
Yea verily.

20 comments:

Standing in the Rain said...

Therapists make things too deep sometimes. I mean geez, all you wanted was a little break, and she goes and makes it all the more confusing.

I don't really have much else to say on the matter. I hope it goes ok and you guys come to some sort of agreement. Good luck!

Tanya said...

B

I am not sure what she is trying to say exactly but I think she wants to take a look at where things are going and what she can do to help you get stable.

I want to add something else but its personal. So I will email you.

I wouldn't worry too much but I would tell her tomorrow that you were just tired. Explain where you are...she may have been misreading your sarcasm. I think she will understand the tired thing.

Hugs take care of yourself.

Keely said...

To me it sounded like she was trying to apologise for being short with you. And then trying to show you how serious the situation is and maybe take a step back and re-plan your goals. I don't think it sounds like she wants to fire you. More of a reassesment of goals.

brie said...

Keely. Wow, I like your take that maybe she was trying to apologize to me...that'd be the bomb. :)

It was just weird to get the email from her because truthfully I honestly didn't even feel like I was being sarcastic. I'm just confused, and don't think I need the PEG tube. I wasn't trying to be sarcastic or bitchy or difficult...so when she sent that email I was just floored, I had no idea how to react.

Pattie Cordova said...

maybe she was just having a bad day, tired and started typing without clarifying what she was trying to say in the first place... which I would say is my best guess since emails aren't usually confusing unless the writer is confused when writing it.

Heth said...

E-mails in general suck b/c they don't really convey what's really going on in each person's mind. But when I read it, I agree with Keely, that she does sound a bit apologetic and that she really does want to simply re-asses your goals. It's good to do that now and again. Right now you're not where you were a month ago, and so on and so forth. I'd say to go in knowing that everything really will be okay in the end. Communication needs to be the key. Both or you should probably be as respectfully blunt as you can, without being sarcastic, angry, or frustrated. I really think it'll go well. Go read a good book and cozy up to get your mind off it.
Lots of love,
Heth

zubeldia said...

oh brie, it's pretty ambiguous. Here's what I'm thinking.. that she feels frightened and is reflecting, and voicing, her anxieties around whether she can help you. I think that this is testament to her care and love for you, but also her own humility as to her limits as a therapist.

And of course she has this wonderful client who finds it hard sometimes to see her own vulnerability and frailty, a client who is exceptional in every way... except that she is currently living with the physical consequences of a severe and nearly deadly eating disorder. I imagine she is all too well aware of the risks to you, even though, cognitively, you are doing so much better with the ed... your poor body is betraying you.

I hope the appointment goes well, my girl. As ever I'll be thinking about you.

Love, Z

jana bananas said...

I don't think she's trying to say she's firing you. I think she probably thinks you're pissed with her so she wants to get that resolved and not have you skipping appointments out of anger and avoidance. She was apologetic. I don't think she understands that you just needed a freaking BREAK. You need to tell her that. You need to tell her how great you felt the other day when you woke up feeling better than you had in weeks, months perhaps. And that it doesn't mean you're quitting...you just needed a breather. But I also think you should acknowledge that she does say things that add to your anxiety and maybe she needs to tone it down a bit, slow down.

I emailed you a letter I wrote for her. You are welcome to give it to her. Haha.

Kyla said...

Let us know how the appointment goes. I don't have anything to say that others haven't already said - I think she's apologizing for being short, and is unclear of your motives for canceling your appointment. She probably doesn't realize that you're tired - she probably thinks you're mad. And she probably wants to reassess what she can do to help you. I think things are pretty frustrating on both your ends. On the one hand, you are doing everything you can and don't want the PEG, on the other hand, she sees you doing everything you can but thinks you need more. I know this is unfathomably difficult for you, but think for a moment that it's got to be tough for her too, seeing a client who can't gain weight and who doubts that she's medically unstable. My advice (which you didn't ask for) is to be completely honest with her tomorrow, fix up any misunderstandings, and lay it all out there. Don't forget to listen and give her the opportunity to do the same.

Kara said...

In my professional opinion (haha), I think that this e-mail shows that your T is feeling insecure about HERself and HER performance. And I agree with Keely that she is also probably trying to apologize. And if she wrote it at 9pm it was obviously weighing pretty heavily on her mind that she would write it after hours (I think that also shows that she cares).

I hope you can get things worked out tomorrow. I know this probably just makes you even more tired. I' sorry. My thoughts are with you...

Lisa said...

The email kind of reads like a summons to the principal's office. However, behavior I normally advocate in that situation - lying your head off - doesn't apply to this situation. I second Kyla on being honest. Relationships with Ts are contentious things.

Kara said...

In my professional opinion (haha), I think that this e-mail shows that your T is feeling insecure about HERself and HER performance. And I agree with Keely that she is also probably trying to apologize. And if she wrote it at 9pm it was obviously weighing pretty heavily on her mind that she would write it after hours (I think that also shows that she cares).

I hope you can get things worked out tomorrow. I know this probably just makes you even more tired. I' sorry. My thoughts are with you...

alana.rachelle said...

Oh M that silly lady. Yeah I'm uber confused on the whole thing but I know for a fact that M would never give up on you or anyone else. She is the most genuinely caring t I've ever had, and you know that I've gone through my share! Be brave, and be honest, and call me when you're done and we can wallow in our misery together! Really, it is definitely time for some serious stories. Oh heavens. Xoxo

Tanya said...

B
I agree with alana. M would never give up on anyone. She has one of the biggest hearts and she tries to do everything she can to help us get through this crap. And you already know about me so she has a lot to handle right now. Hugs. I am sure things will be ok...just tell her everything up front and it will be ok.

Krista said...

I think she is just concerned for you and your well being and my first impression was also that she was , in her own way, attempting to apologize for something.

I hope this doesn't sound completely crazy, but would you ever consider going IP/residential again? Not that I don't think you are doing everything in your power to get batter and be better, but because it seems like you body and whats lingering of the anorexia is preventing you from becoming completely whole again. Your D and T seem to be very concerned for you and they probably know your situation the best. Would it be possible to go for a tune-up so to speak at CFC? Sorry if that sounds completely crazy, I just want you to have the full life that you deserve to have.

brie said...

Hey all, thanks EVER SO MUCH for your advice/opinion. I honestly feel better...I'm glad I posted this.

Krista, going IP really isn't an option. Even if I was willing to go, financially it's not an option, not to mention I've got a 2 1/2 year old that needs looking after...

So. lalala :)

jana bananas said...

I'm sure if you did need to go IP, it would be taken care of. So do everything you can to NOT be in that situation!

brie said...

Well, I go in today at 2:00. Cross your fingers and toes and say good prayers that everything will go okay. I'm not really nervous anymore (mostly thanks to all your stellar support) and I think we just had a misunderstanding...and email is so...just not a *great* way to communicate because you can't see the person or hear their tone of voice and it's so easy to read it in a million different ways. It hink it'll be okay. I'll let you know.

--AND I don't need IP!

Sarah said...

I agree, e-mail is not a great way to communicate, especially about stuff like this. I'm thinking of you and I hope your appointment goes well, babe.

Brooke said...

Interesting. Let me know what happens!