Saturday, February 7, 2009

Blogxygen.

Thank you to so many of you who supported me regarding my last post. At this very moment, Courtney, your comment really stuck out to me and frankly made me cry – but in a good way – because there were some “bad way” cries, too. So, I really appreciate you and so many others who care and who support me.

Last night I was crying to Brandon regarding my last post. And somehow, our conversation evolved into not just regarding that particular post, but to my blog as a whole. And I’m not sure why, but all of this poured from my mouth:

I began to tell him how much I love Blogxygen. How it’s become a passion. How, because of it, I’ve met so many freaking cool people out there who have become some of my best friends. How, through my blog and writing, I’ve found my own creative, funky, and goofy writing style, and I've rekindled my love for writing. I learned to embrace my passion for writing, instead of fighting it or not writing because I didn’t believe in myself or believe I could ever write something that anyone would ever want to read. I learned that people do like what I have to say. And, amazingly, I’ve helped people. Blogxygen took some of the selfishness in me, and transformed it into goodness.

I found that the time I previously spent worrying about stupid shit things like my weight and how many calories I ate that day, instead went to wondering about what I should blog about; what I could say to give my friends a chuckle or a lift. Blogxygen is my baby. Blogygen has been a huge part of my beginning and continuing recovery.

It’s a huge part of not just my life, but me. My heart and soul and accomplishments and humiliations and silly inane things about me are all on this small little address I’ve been blessed to have on the big world wide web.

So, even when I write posts like yesterday that garner some hurt and pain and controversy, I’ll never stop blogging, never stop writing, never stop being me and unapologetic for who I am.

And I thank you all for being a part of that with me. For sharing in my life, and loving me for it (or maybe in spite of it) and not judging me. Thank you for keeping Blogxygen alive. Because I truly feel that Blogxygen has kept me alive by teaching me to LIVE.

[cue violins]

30 comments:

Whit said...

I'm so proud of you! I feel honored to have you as my friend...
Love Ya

Stacy said...

or cue the rock band... you ROCK!
so does you blog. I am so glad you do it. Cause selfishly I get to read it.

Thank you. Thank you. Briemazingness!

jana bananas said...

Of course I never would have met you had it not been for your blog, so THANK YOU. I feel honored to be your friend.

Courtney said...

Brie, I just barely had the time to sit down and read all the comments from your prior post. Wow. If this latest post (and your other comments) aren't proof enough that you're on the right track then I don't know what would be. Yes, health and weight restoration and "recovery" in the traditional sense all matter. But passions are what transform recovery from a guilt-ridden obligation to something we WILLINGLY endure. Because passions bring satisfaction and fulfillment that ED never could.

I'm glad my other comment helped. You truly have such incredible strength, it inspires me.

hutchbec said...

Hey Brie,

I'm really feeling in awe of you these past few days. How many of us with EDs would even think of the option of "saying no" to our docs, nutritionists, therapists, and even some friends, in order to follow our gut about what we really believe will be most healing for us? I mean, we're told to trust ourselves and listen to our intuition on everything BUT our eating disorder recovery. And I guess early on, when really compromised, that's probably the only way to go. But you're not in that place now, and I think you're stepping out in a radical way - one that will probably allow you to find your voice, your strength, and who knows, allow you to listen to your body in ways you couldn't when you were being told what you needed to do to be "recovering" and feeling fearful all the time that you'd be fired. That's not empowering. And who knows, maybe in the process your body will respond to your efforts to nourish it in different ways - when you're not so stressed out about if you're doing it "right."

I guess I would hope your tx team just was kind of oblivious to how they were recreating so many elements of an ED - and that they learn through this experience as well. I imagine you're kind of charting new territory, really - and their rigidity alone around how to approach clients who aren't gaining weight as they think is necessary really speaks more to their lack of creativity and I guess experience with ongoing physical recovery issues than anything. It just gets communicated to you (as it does to all of us) that we're doing something wrong or not doing enough - which in and of itself is retraumatizing.

I guess my only hope would be that you not toss out the option of ever having a therapist again - or a nutritionist - or, well, of course, a doc. Because it sounded like they were all helpful at different points and in different ways for different issues - and who knows what you might need in the future. But it sounds like what's crystal clear is that having a treatment team that had ultimate power over the decisions about your body was not the best approach for where you are at - and for your own recovery of your voice and power.

So, I'm looking forward to hearing how this all goes. Not many have walked the path you're on, Brie - by that I mean finding your own path out that is congruent with your whole being - rather than following what others have prescribed not matter how it affects you. I am glad you're finding the support to explore that path, and the avenues, like Blogxygen, that will allow you to find and strengthen your voice, and ultimately lead to your own healing.

So, thanks for being so honest, I appreciate your courage, and please just keep blogging.

Becca

Standing in the Rain said...

i *think* i love bloxygen almost as much as you.

(do you know how long i lurked before i finally commented on your amazingness? probably like 3 months or something crazy stalkerish like that!)

jana bananas said...

Great comment, Becca. Why can't I leave such good comments?

SITR: you should totally go to SLC with me next time I go and visit Brie! I think it would be awesome!

Penny said...

Wow, I think that you are a lucky and blessed woman to have this amazin love and support from strangers who have become friends. What a uniqiue experience. And we are all here because you inspire us and cause us to look at the world more quirkily and happily because of your imagination and writing abilities. Thank you for your honesty and I too, love Blogxygen.

jana bananas said...

Penny, you are totally right. And it has been such a joy to be able to meet Brie all through this. Who would have thought? By the way, I am the one that met you a few months ago!

Laura said...

I have never known another blog to get total strangers commenting back and forth to one another, completely eliminating YOU from the equation. You get people thinking...talking...arguing...laughing...crying...and questioning...

Blogxygen is like a good movie; you continue talking about it long after the credits roll.

And you, my dear, are the leading lady.

Bravo, Brie. Go ahead. Take your bow.

Lisa said...

You're amazing, Brie. Don't forget that - your commenters certainly won't.

CookieGirl said...

wooohoo. Brie-Power! Sending hugs your way (not that you don't have enough of them!) xoxoxo

Zena said...

I have just one thing to say :

Brie, you are truly amazing in every sense of the word. I too have been a crazy stalker, and every time I read I am so impressed with your true wonderfullness....dont ever stop writting whether it be here or in a novel. You are truly gifted and the world deserves to see your talents.

Love, Z

Arielle Lee Bair said...

Beautifully said. You know what blogging is all about. And you use it to help yourself as much as others. :)

Heth said...

Thanks for the e-mails, Brie. I feel better now, as I hope ou do to. I feel priviliged (sp)? to read your thoughts and about your life. I've also gained courage through your posts....me deciding to finally reconcile with my old family is a lot due to the strength you iminate through your writing. You've given me that, and I can't thank you enough.

Also, I almost forgot. When I moved away from UT, I stopped all my OP treatment and to be honest, it is what got me better....to the point of full recovery, alhtough it didn't happen over night. I took a different path that my team didn't approve of, and it worked for me, so I think it's great you're considering doing something a bit different. Good luck and you'e in my thoughts.
- Heth

Heth said...

Oh, and I forgot to say, that this is one of my favorite posts you've written. You're willingness to not give up, despite all the conflict, gives me courage to face my dad, even though I'm terrified. Thank you so much.

Kyla said...

I love you, Brie!

Krista said...

I am glad to hear that you will never stop blogging cause I LOVE/NEED/WANT Blogxygen!

goodmum said...

i'm mostly a lurker here, but i had to come into the comments and tell you that i feel the same way about blogging. it's my therapy. most people who read it are awesome. it really does help to hear from readers, doesn't it?

Sarah said...

My husband (the infamous "D") read this post and almost cried. He said "I understand why you do this and why you're part of this."

Thanks for making him understand, and thanks for being so open with us in your journey...I couldn't do what you do. You are really amazing, Brie.

Brooke said...

I agree with the fact that you have helped yourself feel better as well as others through your blog. I know when I post in my own (which is less often...) it is an awesome outlet for me. I don't know why, but it just helps me some days.

Thanks for always making me laugh and I hope you always continue to Bloxygen it!

Savannah said...

Holy balls and weiners...where the hell have I been? I totally need to read blogs daily because I miss a lot of stuff when I am busy. Damn! Sorry...that was a crazy way to introduce my comment, but would you expect anything different from your choco-XXXXX lover?

I'm sorry that I was unable to comment on your last blog at the same time as everyone else because now it probably doesn't have any legitimate value, but I will still tell you a little of what I'm thinking.

I met you in...it was like April or so of 2005, and we have stayed in contact pretty much since then whether it be behind bars(hehe) or e-mail, etc. Brie...you, like most of us, are a very different person now and I'm very proud of all that you have been able to do and all that you have allowed yourself to do. You truly are an inspirational figure in most people's lives and we are all lucky to have such an individual. I think whatever choice you make is going to be the best one for you because you know where you have been and you know that you don't want to be there again. I think that whatever you set your mind to...you can accomplish. It may not always be easy, and you may slip a time or two but that is why you have the amazing support system you have. You don't need a treatment team to tell you the same exact thing that Brandon, your mom, and sisters could tell you. It's sometimes harder to hear it from such important people, but that is when it means the most. They will tell you when they are so proud that you are working so hard, and they will tell you when they think you may be lagging a little bit. Just trust yourself and the ones who truly care because everything will be fine. You have come so far so embrace the new you and remember everyday that you are stronger than almost anyone I know.

Sorry if this was stupid to read since everyone had already commented, but you're my friend and I care about you and I know you would always be there for me. Love you and hope you have a good week :)

~sav

Pattie Cordova said...

I love what Laura said 'cause she's totally right. Keep up the writing - we'll devour it.

BTW - love the new header.

Krystle said...

You are amazing, Brie. ♥

brie said...

Thanks everyone!!

Goodmum, hutchbec - thanks for coming out of Lurk Land. :) It's good to meet you. ;)

xoxo

ania said...

Oh, Brie.

:)

With encouragement....

Sarah said...

I'm so proud of you, honey. You're amaaaaaazing.

Sarah said...

I'm so proud of you, honey. You're amaaaaaazing.

hutchbec said...

Hey Brie - I'm the stranger who friended you on f/b. :) I guess I'm just getting a little less lurky these days. Great new design, by the way! Becca

Sarah said...

ha, I really really meant it.