Thursday, January 22, 2009

Docalicious vs. Docavicious

Oh my swoon! I had an appointment with Docalicious today. It started rough though, not gonna lie. I wasn’t having a very smooth go of things and had pretty high anxiety, mostly because right before my appointment I realized I was a bad person when I flooded the women’s bathroom at Krispy Kreme. (And get your mind out of the ED gutter. It was via another dirty deed. Indeed.) Anyway so I was really distracted and stressed out, I was trapped in a bathroom for 15 minutes until my mom could come rescue me and so on and so forth, so I wasn’t looking my best, I’ll admit. Also I was distracted because on my way there I distinctly remembered wondering to myself if I was a sociopath, and I had good reason to, but now I can’t remember why, and as far as I can surmise it didn’t have anything to do with a el bathroom incidento. I think.

So anyway when we were going back to the examination room he touched me on the back. SCORE! Then when I started going all in descriptive, excruciating depth about my allergies, (think MUCUS and STICKY) he was actually interested. And concerned.

When he wanted to listen to my asthmatic lungs, he helped me onto the table thingy. TOUCH NUMERO DOS!

And then he asked me how the tube was going – weight gain, et al. And I told him what ya’llsies know – that as long as I drank 3 Evil Satan’s a day (Boost) and followed my meal plan; I’d hopefully gain weight on my own and not have to be tubaged again. He said he was so HAPPY to not see me with the tube, and he was HAPPY I was doing my best, and I had a long way to go weight gain-wise, but even when I reached my goal weight, I’d be STUNNING. Yeah, he said that.
About me.
And, he TOUCHED ME TWICE.

Swoon City.

But then – ah, then. Then is when things started going downhill. See, he was giving me a referral to see an allergist because OBVIOUSLY I have some sticky, mucus-y problems. He wants to get a scratch test done to see how many other things I’m allergic to other than cats ‘n dogs. He knows I have cats, and we’ve argued before because he insists I should give them up and I tell him NEVER. So we were in the same argument, when he suddenly says, “I HATE cats. They’re like Satan in fur. Seriously. They’re like the devil incarnate to me. It’s like a psychological thing with me.” And I asked him why. I ASKED HIM WHY. Why did I ask him why??

Guess what he told me? Oh, just that he’d killed a cat when he was eleven. KILLED A CAT. He said his friend’s Siamese lunged for his neck and before he knew what was happening he grabbed its tail and slammed it down. Now, at this point in the conversation, (and let me tell you I've drastically edited the story) I was politely looking down so he wouldn’t see the Judgment Daggers coming from my eyes. And yeah, Siamese cats are a daunting enough breed to deal with for even the most devout of cat lovers, but you’re eleven. Not three, not five, or even ten. Pretty sure you could’ve got through the cat “attack” just fine on your own, doc, without killing it.

So it was at this point I started crying. The story tipped me over the edge, guys. All my Krispy Kreme and sociopathic and work anxieties that I’d been holding in, waiting until I got home…slipped…and landed in his lap. His cat killing, feline loathing, Siamese abhorring lap.

Is he Docalicious or is he Docavicious?
And also what do you do when you have a cat killer on your hands?

I don’t want to like him anymore. And yet…
HE LISTENS TO ME TALK IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL ABOUT MY SNOT, GUYS.
MY ALLERGIES.
SOMEBODY IN THIS WORLD FINALLY CARES. CAT KILLER OR NOT, I NEED HIM ON MY TEAM.

So, I’ll try to tone down the Judgment Daggers and instead say THANKYOU FOR THE RECOMMENDATION OF IMMUNOTHERAPY. I HIGHLY LOOK FORWARD TO TWO SHOTS A WEEK FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE IN ORDER TO NOT BE ALLERGIC TO MY FURRY LOVERS ANYMORE.
AND NO, YOU CAN’T COME TO DINNER.
MY CATS WON’T HEAR OF IT.

[edit: I really only have eyes for my hubby. I just think Doca(v)licious is cute. But I love my hubbster with all my might, mind, and strength.]

23 comments:

Heth said...

Holy living crap! Did he really do that? Like purposefuly KILL a cat? That's, like, pre-serial killer "play." I don't know, I don't think he's all there in the brain if he's killed a cat. I mean, if he's killed a cat, what else has he killed. The say it gets easier after the first one. How sad. I think you need a better doc, personally. : ) But to actually TELL a patient that? That's kind of narcisitic and a bit uhhhhh.....serial killer-ish, don't ya think?

brie said...

well, he said he didn't mean to - didn't even think about it - he said it just attacked him and he reacted to protect himself. he said he wasn't intending to kill it.

wow. am i actually defending a cat killer? ;)

Penny said...

Brie, how do you come up with this stuff? "doc a vicious" vs doc a licious" You are fun and amazin. Its like your brain is workin overtime to entertain us!! Thanks and I will go to bed smilin.

Heth said...

well, okay, that makes a little more since, but how mean can a cat really be? I mean, I just spit at Atticus and he flees for his life. You've gotta nut-head doctor, in my opinion, but if he listens to you and helps you, and never ever visits your house to meet your cats, than I guess he's safe. : ) No dinner dates, promise?

Laura said...

I happen to have owned TWO Siamese cats. Love 'em.

I don't trust cat haters. But if he is helping you, well..maybe you'll have to suck it up. Just this once.

Hmmm. A man who hates pussy. Interesting...

Krystle said...

I'd have lost it too. :(
I am so glad you are a fellow kitty lover. <3

kristin said...

He killed a cat?! OMG! That's terrible! Horrible! Inconceivable! That poor kitty! :(

I'm glad that you are getting your allergies taken care of! I hope that you start to feel better!

Take care, Brie! Love ya!

love, kristin

Sarah said...

eeeek that's worrisome about the cat killing. But when someone is 11 . . . I don't know. Not that it's all right, but jeez. If he's a good doctor. . . that's quite a dilemma.

I do want to point out that if you're wondering about whether you're a sociopath, you're not one. I'm quite certain that a true sociopath wouldn't care one way or the other! so, take heart. xo

brie said...

personally i think that hairy looks like she's posing for a glamour shot or somethihng. her eyes are so beautiful and brownish/greenish/yellow and she has NO PUPILS. SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

and guys...i know he shouldn't have done that...but for realsies, he's an excellent medical doctor, and a very kind person. i still think it's awful what he did, but he didn't mean to. it was biting and scratching his neck and he said he was trying to protect himself. pretty sure he's a good guy.

i hope! ;)

Krista said...

What did he do when you started crying? What a horrible story for a cat-lover to hear. Maybe you should get him a pretty kitty poster to hang in his office.

Pattie Cordova said...

maybe you should send him an annonymous letter with something like: "I know what you did..." docavicious for sure

jana bananas said...

Oh man. I would have started crying too, even if I had been in a fine mood with little anxiety going in. That's just a terrible story!!!!!!

Kyla said...

my sister has a siamese cat and it's a doll. Well, it's a cat, but it's also a sweetheart, you know what I mean. Love the play on words. I CAN"T BELIEVE HE KILLED A CAT!!! My only defense for him is that he has probably changed a lot since he was eleven. You know, matured a little. but if he's boasting about it? Not cool. Edit: it's totally obvious that you love your hubster.

Standing in the Rain said...

beings that he took the time to tell you about his cat story, i think he's a good doc. (that plus the other stories of docolicious) you're lucky to have one who's at least decent in todays medical world.

sorry, i'm just having a shitty-ass time finding a good doctor who won't belittle me for my ED here in my small-ish town.

satisfiction said...

Honestly? I love cats, love love love them so much, but if I was 11 and one came at my neck, I'd yank it away too. So sad that it died but as long as he really didn't mean to hurt it I think you can keep seeing him, if you're ok with that.

Another confession type thing: a yappy (small) dog came at me one time, don't even know if it was attacking or just being an asshole, and I kicked it and it flew for a few feet. Was totally fine though. I was 11. Weird time for animals and people.

God I'm bad for animals :( This is why I keep plants. And name them. Anyway my point is... it happens when you're a kid and scared. So sad that it died though.

-Lindsay

brie said...

SIR...so sorry you can't find a doc who is sympathetic and understanding toward your ED. that's why I see Docalicious...he's like 40 minutes from my home but he specializes in the treatment of eating disorders. He's really an amazing guy, sans the whole cat killing incident. Good luck finding someone...

Lindsay, don't worry about kicking the dog. When I was 18 a dog bit me and I kicked him, too. I still have the scars, plus he ripped my favorite pants and it totally blew!

xo

Heth said...

OHG....I remember that. I was there. You handled that quite well, my dear, my applause goes out to you! Oh, and for those who know me, it wasn't my dog....it was a friend of mine's dog. You were so eloquent even after he ripped into you.....how do you do that? I remember you wondering whether or not you should tell your mom........now that I look back on it, it makes me kind of chuckle. Not at YOU, but at the whole situation. She ended up giving the dog back to the pound, by the way...he was a bit pyscho!

brie said...

Heather, YES! It was S's dog, and I didn't want to make her feel bad that her dog had JUST BITTEN A GOLF BALL SIZED HOLE OUT OF MY LEG. Seriously, I still have purple scars from it. And the ripped pants, because I have a possibly frightening attachment to pants. Fun times!

Amanda said...

You are hilarious Brie!! Just wanted to tell you that the allergy shots def do help! I'm sooo much better now than before I had them - asthma attacks are virtually non-existant now.

The test is not fun, just warning you! I wanted to rip my arms off...but I'd do it again if I knew it would help me so much!

Good luck

Heth said...

Yeah, I think you showed me the scars like a year later. How funny. Not that you were bit, but, you know, how well you handled it. : )

satisfiction said...

Something just occurred to me... why was he even telling you this story? He's your doctor, and he knows you're going through some stuff (not that you're fragile or broken or anything, just what's happening), and he knows that you love cats, and yet he told you he killed one and that he hates them. Weird?

-Lindsay

Jade said...

i understand you need a doctor who is understanding, and I'm glad he is -- and I'm proud of you for not instinctively hitting him in the face when he said that.

Brooke said...

I'm sorry to side with the doc. I know your cats are your love. Can you love them as much as Cade? Not trying to be rude or judgemental....just curious. Because for your health, it will be much better if they were at least outside kitties. Oh wait...gigantic mother cats!