Friday, January 16, 2009

Braving the Eating Disorder Front

I’ve made quite the effort to not talk about ED much on Blogxygen. Ever since I had that freakoutmeltdown and made my blog private for like 2 days and 11 hours so I could take some time to de-freak, I’ve just been wary. But I thought I’d give all ya beggars a little spoonful of what’s been going on. You’re so greedy.

I am currently sans tube. Hi, my name’s Brie, I’m an anorexic, and I’ve been tube sober for 2 weeks and 4 days! (HIIIIIII, BRIE.)

And it feels good.

Butbutbut. BUT.

I have until Tuesday to actually gain weight on my own (not just maintain) to prove to the treatment team that I can do it all by my onesies, or else I have to return to Tube Territory.

Le sigh. The D-ster says I’m not quite yet out of the “danger zone,” which to her means I need to gain more weight, while to me it means “You’re crazy who gave you your degree?” Kidding.

No but for realsies I keep getting in these power struggles with my T, because I don’t understand why I need a tube. I understand I need to gain weight, (AND I’M WILLING) but gajillions of girls trying to recover need to, too. So why do I have to have the tube? How come they don’t? Whinemoanlamentbitchcry. Seriously. Like, this is a question I.DON’T.UNDERSTAND multiplied by 17 + a billion.

But other than that, things are really good. I’m eating really well on my own, and consume a maple bar almost every day. Fat, calories, pastries, and artifical maple flavoring have become my new Thing. Donuts with love in every bite = amazingness.

7 Eleven pretty much rocks my rocks because I’ve searched far and low and they by farsies have the best donuts. Shutup I’m not even joking, I highly recommend. A maple bar and a giant Diet Coke every morning for breakfast. Just what the scale ordered! (Plus LOTS more throughout the day, of course!)

So please keep your phlanges’ crossed for me. I see my D on Tuesday and need a high number. Well, higher. Even if it’s like 3 ounces or something. Just something. AAANNNYYYTHAAANNNG!!!

So, I’ll keep trekking, and ya’ll do the same, mkay? I don’t want to settle for this plateau I’ve reached, where I’m doing better, but I’m not there yet. Maintaining my weight for almost two months is like so amazing I’m probably like awe-inspiring to all of you, but I still need to gain. I need to do better. I realize this. And I’m totally having a serious moment when I say that I’m totally committed to gaining my weight (and I really want to do it without morphing into Tube Face. That’d be like the best thing to happen to me all year!) …so I’m nowhere near perfect, and I have a lot of changing to do, but that’s okay cuz at least I’m trying, right? That’s all we can do. Go team!

And thanks all so much for your support regarding my last post. I’m really interested in this and it’s something I’m definitely going to pursue. I’ll keep you posted, and stay tuned for another installment coming your way shortly.

My name is Brie and I approve of this message. And of Shia LaBeouf’s delicious face.


Nichole said...

Wow, he grew up and... yeah, wow. Hooray for no tubage! Good luck and keep it up. I will be routing for the weight gain for sure. One question though, why Diet Coke and not regular if you are trying to gain weight? Just an innocent question. Good luck!

brie said...

Hey N,

I do Diet Coke because I've drank it for so long I've acquired a taste for it. I even once tried Coke Zero, which still has no cals but tastes like regular, and I had to spit it out it was sooooo sweet, I'm not used to it! But no worries, I drink juice too in the morning, or at least I try reeeaaaaalll hard... :)

Laura said...

I dont get the tube thing either. Isn't the main goal here for you to learn how to deal with the issues that brought on ED in the first place, and in result, learn how to eat on your own, as normally as you can? Me thinks the tube is not normal. If you are in danger, you should be in a hospital. Otherwise, you should continue learning to FEEL without STARVING...and to learn how to eat, and trust your body. The tube won't do that for you. It just makes people say stupid things and hides your pretty face.

Kara said...

I'm so glad that you are doing so well and even more so without the tubage! Yay for no tubes! I'll cross all of my phalanges that you gain weight by Tuesday.

I'm not a huge Shia fan, but he actually looks HOT in that picture. Hmmmmm... maybe I'll have to reconsider...

jana bananas said...

I'm going to agree with Laura here on the tube issue. I think your team is being a bit loco. And no, it's not normal. As long as you're not dropping weight and having physical problems, I don't really get it.

But do eat more! And drink stuff with actual calories! Make sure your electrolytes aren't getting screwy because you'll get in big trouble then.

Anyhoo, yeah. Just say no to the tube. I know you can do this on your own, Brie, and I think it's important that you progress without a tube pumping hundreds of extra calories into your guts every day. YOU CAN DO THIS.

And I love you.

brie said...

Yeah. Hell yeah, JB and Laura. I agree with you 100% on the tube sitch. I wish one of you could explain that to my treatment team...

Heth said...

Good update! I too agree about the tube thing...that if the point is to "re-teach" you to eat like a human, than what's the point of the tube? I once taught an autistic boy who literally wouldn't eat anything but crackers, and so we'd go to what they called "feeding group"...for kids. It was so funny to watch them gag, then smile, that YES they really liked it! : )

IN any case, gatorade is a big fallback on when you need more calories, plus it has electrolytes gazillion in it AND it comes in about 100 flavors!!!! It's super good. I like the grape the best.

Brie, you're the kind of girl who CAN do these sorts of you think because you're being TOLD to do this that that rebellious side of you is coming out (unconsciously, of course). I just ask, b/c that's what I do.

Yes, I have authority problems, not it's all in the open. : 0

So, I'll be looking forward to our chat later today....and by the way, it's not about food....unless, of course YOU bring it up, which would be fine, but not the real reason I want to talk!!!

Take care,

Kyla said...

My thoughts on the tube...maybe because it has been so hard for you to gain weight for a while now, they (lovingly) think you need a boost? Pun totally intended...sorry for that one.

But I for realsies think you can do it on you own. Can you up your maple bar intake? Also, maybe observe Bobbi in his natural environment and ask him for advice? Don't talk to my cat, she way SUCKS at the recovery thing. I'm sending all kinds of weight gain thoughts your way. I really think you can do this!!

Kyla said...

just realized that I recommended replacing your therapist with your cat. Do you think that's a good idea? Would Bobbi demand pay?

Pattie Cordova said...

I don't get the tube thing either - and this is pretty much the first time I've heard of it other than that one Intervention episode where she refused to put anything in her mouth because some guy had molested her and thus led to her not being able to put any food in her mouth. Actually, she did put food in her mouth, she just couldn't swallow it. She'd just chew it and then spit it back out. Anyways... I'm sending lots of gainage vibes your way - get ready.

BTW - I have that same "Life is Beautiful" image as my screen saver - it looks a little diabolical to me but I LOVE that man on the bicycle.

Kara said...

I also want to thank you for a post about your ED. These posts always help me.

Laura said...

Brie-send my the teams phone number...I will get right on it!

Standing in the Rain said...

Personally, when I had the tube OP for several months it helped me gain weight to get to a place where I didn't have to gain quite so much on my own. It helped keep me out of the hospital and IP, which was a worthy goal in and of itself.

So I say it depends on your usage of the tubage. (to use some major verbage) It depends on the amount it helps vs. hinders your real life and your willingness to use it as prescribed. And, probably, on your willingness to gain weight with "real" food.

Just my thoughts on the matter, though I realize no one asked. ;)

Shannon said...

So, I aint no expert on weight (ok, Im actually good at gaining it. A little too good!) but my suggestion is to eat things high in calories, not just fat. Thats where the weight is! Maybe have a bagel with cream cheese (yum!) for breakfast every morning. I dont know what you are comfortable with eating, but I agree to drink things high in calories, also. Diet coke (although delicious) doesnt have any! I agree, normal coke is just too sweet! Calories calories calories!

Mmm...Shia...sure is pretty...

Heth said...

I'm sending you a carepackage of the most divine cookies I've EVER tasted in my entire life. They are simply, AMAZING, and quite undescribable. I think you'll really enjoy them....they're from Trader Joe's....On Monday once I can drive and walk around normal, I'll go get you some and send it via your way! I promise you'll LOVE them!!!! I finished up a box in, lets say, 2 or 3 days...but I could've eaten them all at once, but I wanted to spread out the pleasure, ya know?

Jackie said...

I am so glad you posted this. I completely agree with Laura and JB - you don't need the freaking tube. I will call your damn treatment team myself. You are not in medical danger, you are maintaining your weight, you are eating normally - the only thing the tube accomplishes is making you feel insecure about yourself and clogging up your sinuses. You need to realize you can do this ON YOUR OWN and HAVE BEEN DOING IT ON YOUR OWN. Unless and until your weight becomes life-threatening, there is simply NO reason for a feeding tube. You are choosing recovery and are eating what you should be eating. Yes, you have a long road ahead of you. But you realize that and are taking steps to get down that road. The tube does nothing for you but make you FEEL SICK. You need to feel healthy and on your way to recovery.

Just my two cents though. I love you more than anything and truly believe you can do this, SANS TUBE. If you need a bitchy attorney to lay down the law to your treatment team, you let me know :)

Let's hang out sooooon. I need to meet Whit!!!!

xoxo Jax

kristin said...

Go Brie! I know you can do it! :)

Take care!

love, kristin

Palmtreechick said...

Hey Brie,

I'm rooting for ya! Sounds like your head is in the game. You can do it.

I love your writing. Great sense of humor!

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

I'm rooting for you completely and I have no doubt that you can do it.

That's regarding the weight gain and also regarding the writing stuff.

I'm a writer too and a near-recovered anorexic, so believe me when I say I relate! One day at a time, Brie. And pretty soon, you'll find that you've gotten pretty far.

Best of luck,

tawny said...

Brie, Can we hang soon? Have not seen you forever...I guess I was gone on my Cruise but I feel like it's been forever! Maybe a sista's night soon!

Oh and does this sound wierd: I think Shia Lebouf looks just like YOUR TWIN BRO, BRETT (our bro)! Maybe thats why you have the "hots" on him. I know that is creepy but get this: I think Will Smith is way hot and I think he looks and acts just like MY TWIN (and your bro) TROY!! Strange and wrong but I think people are attracted to what they are "used" to seeing!!!