Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dear Diary

I’m not sure why I feel so introspective lately. I used to be reaaaaaaallllllly introspective. And pensive. And, like, in It all the time.

But that didn’t work. Obviously. I didn’t recover. I think all that extra thought made me delve deeper into my ED.

So I think about It, yes, but I laugh about It more. But for some reason, I’m not laughing much right now. Just thinking.

I feel like this post is going to turn into some bastardized version of my pathetic journal entries from years ago. You know – all those ones that I literally burned? Yes, BURNED.

(I like burning things down in a lawful sort of way.)

Why me, Dear Diary?! Why is life such a roughie? Why did this happen? Why didn’t that happen? Am I fat? Tell me, Dear Diary! Is Danny DeVito an alien? Am I an alien? Am I worth taking up space in this world? Oooooh dear, dear, dear, sweet, luscious Diaaaarrrrrrrry! Boo to life! Sad weep moan rent clothing lament cry.

Yeah, NO. I can’t do that again. And I don’t want to.


I want to say life is hard, but that’s okay. I’m not in this alone. Things happen, or they don’t. But you get over it, you move on. And you’ll be okay. No, breathe, calm down, you’re not fat, and even if you were, you’d still be a good person.

You’d still be beautiful.

And no, as far as research can tell, Danny DeVito and you are NOT aliens, though according to Mulder and Scully they do exist. And yes you are worth space in this world because you are needed and valued and loved. Your heart needs space to grow so that you can fit all the love you have for your son and your family and your hubbster.

The world needs you.

Dear Diary:

DAMN! Now that's a good entry.



Tanya said...

Brie you are so amazing. I wish I could change my diary entries into something so positive. And I must agree you need room for all the love you have and don't have space for. I really wish I had the power to make those reversies on my own negative talk. And burning....that is such a good idea...wonder if I should invest in that idea. Hugs...You are wonderful.

Heth said...

Amazing. I like how you're able to write so "simple" yet when you read it, it sounds so impactful and insightful. The second round of things that you said you are, is truly who and what you are, although I do acknowledge you feel those other feelings now and that sucks big time. Emotions ebb and flow, you know that, and especially in this part of recovery....I honestly believe at this junctior in recovery, for most people, is probably the very hardest, and you're doing it! That says a lot. So be proud, girl!

Kara said...

I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.

Krista said...

I voted for OMG I totally LOL'd only because of the Danny Devito part. I don't want you to think I don't take your thoughts seriously. You are certainly worth space, but I understand the want to question that.

I don't think Danny Divito is an alien but he certainly could pass for a munchkin!

Tia ~ said...

Brie!! you just made my daay.. I´m worth space in this world.. We all do!! **

i wish i had a dear diary like yours.. to show me im wrong smtimes and that that´s ok. =)

Courtney said...

I think you have found one of the secrets to "real" recovery--acceptance. It's so easy to fall into patterns of avoidance, denial, and fear. And I'm not talking about behaviors (though it applies equally well), but about life in general. I spent a lot of years blaming the world for my problems (heck, I still do at times) but all that did was make me miserable.

This is going to sound super cheesy, but learning to embrace truth is so empowering. Accepting that it's okay that life is so stinkin' hard, that you really are beautiful, talented, one heck of a writer, and anything BUT fat...those are the truths that will make you happy. In fact, I think it's some kind of twisted defense mechanism that makes us depressed when we believe all those rotten lies about ourselves because somewhere, deep down, that good part of us doesn't want to get the shaft. So it fights back!

Okay, so now I'm officially making no sense. That's what happens when your kid only lets you get a total of 4, maybe 5 hrs of sleep a night!

Pattie Cordova said...

you definitely are worth the space - and no, you're not fat. Danny DeVito is aging - which is a for sure sign that he is NOT an alien. A little short? maybe, but not an alien.

Heth said...

Oh, and I forgot to agree and say, that YES, the world needs you, BRIE!!!!!

Kyla said...

yes, the world needs you!

Shinobu said...

The world does need you! Reading your blog has helped me start to deal with my own disordered eating.

Angela and Brett said...

it was awesome seeing your beautiful face today!!!!

Arielle Lee Bair said...

You pretty much just rock.


That is all.

Penny said...

Loved your entry. Even I needed to read it. You are helping me, too, my dear!!Love, love, love you,

tawny said...

Man you had me laughing and wanting to cry all at the same time! Loooooved it...LOVES~

Laura said...

Screw the ED. Let's talk about your obsession with Danny Devito...

brie said...

L, omg you're right. It's just hit me. I'm ALWAYS thinking about Danny DeVito, and THIS IS NOT A JOKE. What the hell is wrong with me?!

Brooke said...

I liked your post because you started it off with questions and then basically answered them in the same post. You have all the tools you need to recover every just have to write them down to remember that you are worth making your tiny tiny bit of space in this world.

And BTW....if it helps, I don't think Danny Devito deserves to take up space in this world. He is a frieky midget/little man. Not sure.