Saturday, January 31, 2009

I Had Forgotten

This morning I was going through some things, and I stumbled upon my Eating Disorder Autobiography that I wrote back in 2002 while in my first stint in treatment. I paused what I was doing and flipped through it. And I had forgotten.

Forgotten how miserable it was.

I remember wandering the aisles of the grocery store for hours, looking at all the food that I was not allowed to eat.

I read about having sore hips from doing hours of leg-lifts, or dreaming about food and waking up in the middle of the night on the floor frantically trying to burn off my dreamed calories.

I read about the shame of putting even a small morsel of food in my mouth, and the anxiety it caused, and how the repercussions of eating “too much” would resound with me for days, for that’s how long I’d punish myself and eat nothing to “make up for it.”

I recalled the poking at my fat, the feeling for bones…

I remembered the sallow, gray skin, and the brittle hair and purple lips and fingernails…

Fainting. So tired. All the time. My head hurts, but it always hurts, and I’ve felt so sick for so long I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be well at all.

Obsession. Compulsion.

I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve life. I’m bad, I’m sorry.

They tell me I’m going to die. I don’t believe them, and anyway I don’t think I really care. I’m crying now. I don’t know what’s happened to me.” (ED Autobiography, 2002)

~~~~~~~

And now I’m here. And I’m so glad I’m here, and not there.

Glad I could sit down at the table this morning with my baby and have a bowl of cereal and not mind at all when I had to drink Baby’s 2% because my Skim was gone. And I didn’t care.

And I had forgotten all this.

But some things, you need to remember. You need to remember the horror and suffering and anxiety and pain and tears. Remember, and learn.

I had forgotten that I never want to wander down that path again. Ever.

19 comments:

Megan Kyle and Porter Cross said...

Wow Brie. I am so glad you have changed and made such a huge effort to fight that disease. After having a baby I would cry all day long from what my body changed into. But as dreadful as I felt, nothing compares to what you went thru and overcame. You are awesome!!!

Heth said...

I too had forgotten. It so sneaky and the "bad" of it all creeps away into darkness. But it's healthy to remember. From reading this, I know now, that I must remember the horrid-ness of it all. I can't dwell on it, but I can NOT go back there. It's not an option. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.....

jana bananas said...

You've come a long way, baby. And I am so proud of you. I think you are doing really well. Good for you for having 2%. Really you should be having that all the time instead of skim, but that's the end of my lecture. Remember...you're trying to gain weight?? :)

Your story made me very sad. I'm glad you're so far from that sad, miserable life now. It sounds absolutely horrific. You have so much to live for Brie. I love you.

Tanya said...

B

We all forget the bad sometimes. Maybe that was the point of writing those things. So that we would have to remember the bad part and not glamorize the disease...running to it like some long lost friend. I am glad you have been able to remember and see how good things are now. And how wonderful you are...I can't tell you how much I admire you B. You are so awesome.

Zena said...

I am so grateful to you for sharing your pain with us. Its takes a very strong person to remember how horriable AN is, so often it is glamorized...I needed to be reminded of this today...thankyou. you are so very strong.

Love Z.

ps way to go on the 2% milk;)

Kara said...

It's so easy to forget what the eating disorder does to you. I'm glad that you found your auto and were reminded of the horrors of ED. You are doing so well now. I'm so proud of you.

Kyla said...

good reminder. I bet I"d be horrified if I looked over my ED auto too. I never, ever want to go back there. glad you don't either.

licketysplit said...

Thank you for this. It's a good reminder for us all. :)

belinda said...

hey Brie,
it was great to read that you never want to return to the depths of that AN hell. and yes, it is a good reminder probably for all of us.

you are doing so well & i admire your strength :)

Xx

Lisa said...

I'm glad you're here and not there, too.

zubeldia said...

oh, Brie, it is absolutely heartbreaking. But sometimes just revisiting these times can put some perspective on what it is that we're fighting. Look how strong you are, honey, to get to this point. A wonderful son, a lovely husband, and the ability to be a little more mindless about what goes into your mouth.

I know you can go even further, Brie. I do.

Love, z

Stacy said...

yay... best news ever

satisfiction said...

Brie, It's amazing that you've gotten so far past those feelings. That's a testament to how strong you are. I hope to be able to read my diaries and feel the same way one day.

-Lindsay

Penny said...

Yes, Yes, you have made my day because of this post. Now, no more buts, just forge ahead, and continue to climb out of that place and into your true and real life that you have and will continue to enjoy.

Krista said...

Good for you Brie for you Brie for seeing that you don't wan to be there again. Dr. B stole my ED bio and never gave it back! I do randomly look back through my journals though and I am glad I am not in that place.

Eve said...

Wow, Brie, what a scary summary of where you were, and what a glowing testament to where you are now and all you have achieved. Keep fighting! You can overcome this completely!

lucky said...

You have come such a long way, I can see through your posts. This one really hit home for me, because sometimes I'm still that girl in the supermarket. But when I see how far you've come it makes me hope that I can be there someday, too :) So thank you so much for posting this, and everything else.

And good luck with the new pad!!!

Pattie Cordova said...

You know... I love reading what you write. It's so pure and honest. I hope that you decide to go forward and publish your life story and how you have overcome this disorder.

p.s. You remind me much of one of my favorite authors - Marie Cartier.

Brooke said...

Brie. Love that post. I am so happy you realized how far you have come. I'm glad you had that moment. Thanks for reminding me also to look at my life and remember how much better I am doing than I was two years ago also. You're the best! Love you.