Do I need the structure of knowing that everyday I’ll wake up at 6:45, get ready for work, wake up Lil C, drop him off at the babysitter, and go to work? Do I need to know I’ll be off everyday by 12:30 and have a few hours of Mom and Mini-Man time until Big B gets home? Do I need to know that I’ll hang out with Bran and C all night, watch some TV, the go to bed and do it all over again?
Everyday, why do I always think, “Okay, four days till Friday. Now three, now two, etc”? Why do I look forward to the two days every week when I fall a-freakin' part?
I missed two days of taking *C, and I went insane. Not as insane as this was, ("The world is a horrible, terrible place. It takes all the things you need like your arms and your joy. What's the point of even living?!") but still. I’m so sick I didn’t eat for almost 24 hours straight. My asthma is horrible. So is my anxiety. The only thing worse than having a panic or asthma attack is having them both at the same time. Yeah, you should ask J,
the dude that works at Rite Aid, all about it. I had a freak out on the phone with him last night. Trying to tell him how disappointed I was with the performance of his pharmacy while I’m wheezing and crying was kind of like disgraceful. And demoralizing. And pathetic. And what’s even more shocking is that after I got off the phone with J and huffed on my nebulizer, I sobbed while watching an episode of Desperate Housewives. IT.WAS.SO.SAD.I’m not sure if it was supposed to be. Usually it’s just smutty.
I should watch it again when I’m stable. But whatever. I hate dignity anyway.
(And I’m dead serious about the dignity thing. I actually cross-stitched that once in treatment: I HATE DIGNITY. Didn’t go over well with the treatment team.)
So anyway, here I am. It’s Sunday night. I feel awful. I look even worse than I feel. Bra-less, makeup-less, pigment-less, breathless, calmless, useless, without dignity (and - as of last night - a pharmacy).
Boy am I glad tomorrow is Monday.
*An anti-freaker (aka pill)
18 comments:
I'm sorry you're in such a funk. I know this sounds weird, but Monday is the day I lok forward the most. Not sure why. You're so very hard on yourself. Take a breath and believe that you've already been through hell, so therefore, you're really quite doing well, although I know it doesn't feel like that now. So, as a freind recenlty suggested to me (seeing as I'm on 24 hours a day bed rest) that I need to keep eating and drinking boost even when I don't want to, I encourage the same for you, all in good faith. Weekend are hard with no structure.....could you maybe create one? With normal house-hold chores, shopping, etc, as well as work, time with Cade and Brandon, and then most importantly, time to yoruself? I didn't like yoga very much at the center, but now I do it allmost every morning. I actually do most o fthem IN bed....kinda of silly. It has helped me immesnley. Have you tried doing something like that yet? Perhaps your T or family can help you come up with a weekend schedule that you follow with no excuses? I need to do this as well. So, I'm speaking for me too. : ) I hope you begin feeling better again and keep us posted...I love reading, even on the bad days. You can do this!!!
Oh girl I cried watching Desperate too.... I L O V E D Eli Scruggs!! I want him for a handy man! :) For some odd reason he reminded me of dad. I think it is b/c he was such a hard worker and then he always looked for the good in people and never judged anyone. I loved him. Good,good episode! BTW, this winter snow does not help the blues...it is driving me crazy staying in the house!! Just read my current blog post...we feel the same way!
FYI I still read your blog all the time. I am just lame and rarely comment.I think about ya and am so glad you are over all doing well even if this weekend was yucky.
I put you on my family blog since I don't really do much with the other one right now. Not at a point where I want to write down much of my private thoughts I guess.
email me sometime, I know you are popular so if probably won't happen, but here is my addy anyway.
lynetalive@hotmail.com
take care.
Sorry to hear about the anxiety & asthma, double whammy! :(
I know what you mean about the weekend thing. I long for that time out and when I get it, I kind of feel at a loss ??
I think humans need routine, as much as it bugs us sometimes.
Hope you feel better soon hun.
x
I have a love/hate relationship with weekends too. I yelled at the pharmacy this weekend too, only at Walmart. I did not watch desperate housewives, but I did cry watching Extreme Home Makeover. At least tomorrow commences a new week of scheduled mundaneness!
Yikes!! an anxiety + asthma double attack sounds like the absolute-horrible-most-freaking WORST. I have had both but not TOGETHER, dear lord. Also, I have the opposite problem - i get the SundayNightAnxiety bc i dread the return of Structure!! Well, I hope Monday picks you up some! I
Hey, excited to see you soon my dear...
Brie,
From reading your blog, I know that you just moved. Could the house have something to do with your asthma? I know that when we moved to a new place, my partner discovered that he had asthma due to the fumes and toxic gases, and it was a terrible situation.
I hope you feel better today!
- kb
I know what you mean about structure... maybe we're all like kids in that way - we need the routine, the schedule, the same thing every day. I have this tendency to eat the same thing day, after day... and it bums me out when I can't do the same thing during the weekends. I like having a cup of milk, a cup of cereal and a banana for breakfast - why switch it up with omelettes or pancakes? Anyway... here's to a good week.
Brie,
I am new to posting on your blog but a new reader! I too loath the weekend, but look foward to it too, I believe its the lack of structure that gets to me, could it be the same for you...come Saturday morning I cant wait for monday to get here. Try planning out each day, to give yourself some structure, I know it helps me. and by the way little C is the cutest thing ever, I have three little ones and I just love seeing Little Cs pics, they bring up so much joy!!!
Love, Z
You guuuuys!
I should have blogged earlier in the weekend, as I'm certain it would have made me feel better. I just woke up to all your comments and feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so thanks. :)
The suckfest seems to have leaked over to today. I've never been late for work EVER, and today I woke up at 8 - the time I'm supposed to get into work. So I threw on some clothes and makeup and am here...BUT WHEEZING LIKE CRAZY. It's bad. Usually when I have my steroid and rescuer inhalers, and my nebulizer NOT working, it's ER time. Please, oh please, asthma get better...
And yes, kb, I think our new home is contributing to my allergies and asthma. The dust, sawdust, and whatever else is lurking in there is probably a great contributor. Fortunately I have an appt with the allergist tomorrow to find out everything I'm allergic to so that we can start fixing it.
I WANT TO BREATHE!!!
xoxo you guys. Thanks again. :)
Glad you're feeling better, I hope the suckfest dissipates soon!
hey call me if you ever need talk okay? I miss you.
Aw, I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend, and really sorry that the asthma isn't any better today!
See, the thing about you, Brie, is that you can turn something like that into a thoroughly entertaining blog entry. That's a strength. Take what you got and go with it! I know it's hard--I know the weekends are hard--but it's not like you're sitting in a puddle of tears, wallowing in misery, and refusing to get on with your life. You're working toward a greater goal. You're making realizations. You're learning. You're being self-aware. I hope you have a great weekend waiting for you some day on the horizon. For now, I hope your Monday will be a good one. :)
Much love,
Arielle
SO. How was Monday?
Laura. It was bad. :(
Hey. Another example. Sunday night. Bored as all get out. Ended up going on a walk while it was snowing. Didn't know what to do--either that or be a frieken' mess! CALL ME WHEN YOU ARE BORED! I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO BECAUSE YOUR DEPRESSED OR ANXIOUS BRAIN DOESN'T WANT TO, BUT STILL JUST TRY!
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