One Pound Wonder

Holy oh my moly with some guacamole I’m SO EXCITED! I had an appt with the D today, and for reals I was SO NERVOUS because if I lost weight or even just maintained, my nose would’ve been all over the tube again. So I prayed to the dear Lord above for some HEAVY blessings.

and--

and--

I GAINED WEIGHT!! Shriek laugh joy doajig pelivthrust or whatever!!! When the D announced it was only a pound (as in, ONE) I did an unhappy/unbelievable shriek and yelled WHAT?? I THOUGHT I HAD REACHED MY GOAL WEIGHT! (Dude, I swear. My pants feel all tight and foreign and uncomfy.)

She tried really hard not to laugh and told me that she thought that at the rate I was going I wouldn’t reach my goal weight for three or four months. As in, ridiculously long. Butubutbutbut I did gain on my own. First time ever, since, like, I was in puberty and gained 35 pounds the summer before my freshman year. (But I don’t want to talk about it. It still stings.)

She was reaaaaaaal proud of me though, and said that she and my T were okay with me staying un-nose raped as long as I started drinking 3 cans of Boost (as in, 750 cals extra) a day along with my giant meal plan. But I’m so all over trying it guys. My poor little sinuses cannot take anymore hostile, foreign objects invading their already swollen space.

I also asked her why I had to have a feeding tube. I know I’ve briefly talked about this before in a recent post; but I told her that I was sure she saw tons of other patients with eating disorders who needed to gain weight, and I told her that I’m sure none of them had a feeding tube, so why me? She then replied and said, “Because most patients who weigh as little as you have to go to inpatient treatment. I know you want to do this on your own, which is why you need the tube.” And then I said something really deep and profound like “But I’ve already gained a gazillion pounds and I know I need to gain weight but I.DON’T.NEED.THE.TUBE.ANYMORE. my weight is stable enough that it shouldn't even need to be an option anymore. Plus it’s just really lame and makes me ugly, okay?” And she said (and I swear on my life and expensive boobies that this is a direct quote: ) “Brie, your BMI is really low. I see cancer patients who are DYING that have your BMI. That’s why you need a tube.”

So I shut up real quick and said a ‘lil prayer of thanks that at least I wasn’t dying of cancer. That’s super sad.

Also, if it took me 2 weeks to gain a pound, and I was eating maple bars and oreos like a million times a billion times a day, raise your hand if you think this weight gain thing is going to be hard for me. My body no likey.

So anyway, moral of the happy story is that weight gain is cool and so am I and you guys can all dry your tears of happiness for me. I’m sure you’re all puffed up with pride about it too, and that’s cool cuz even though pride is like a sin or something (Wasn’t that one of the seven deadly sins? Who saw the movie S7VEN?) But I think it’s all right since this is a noble pride to have. Because I’m pretty much amazing. And awesome. And, well, A POUND HEAVIER.

(OMG am I fat? ;)